How do I get out of this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
How do I get out of this?
50
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 1:18pm

Have you ever had those moments where you commit to something you don't really want to commit to, just to get out of the moment, and then when you have to face the music you struggle with graciously getting out of it?

I am so mad at myself. P is a semi-friend. I know her by association with other friends, so we are not at all close (if she was a close friend I'd have been more honest with her from the start, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings since this is a fledgling friendship). We were hanging out one night and she decided that I would be "perfect" for her brother. At the time I was like "ok, whatever, introduce us."

Then the next time I saw her she showed me a picture. Oi. This guy has to be pushing 300 pounds and I just did not find him attractive. Then she goes on to tell me that he is in his mid thirties and has never had a girlfriend. He's lonely, shy, and really uncomfortable around the opposite sex. But she was so excited about possibly getting her brother a girlfriend that I didn't know how to tell her I wasn't interested. So I grudgingly told her to give him my number. Then I changed my mind and said that we should just set up a group happy hour or something and have him show up so I can just meet him. I thought I got out of it, thinking I could just avoid that particular happy hour and maybe they'd all just forget about it.

Well, last night at 9:30, guess who calls me! Yep, it was him. I didn't answer because it was late and I didn't recognize the number, so he left a message. But, seriously, the guy calls me at 9:30 on a Friday night??? His sister admits that he has no life and no friends, but this just confirmed that I am so NOT interested!

Now I'm worried about hurting my friend's feelings, and hurting her brother's feelings as well. I really don't want to call him and have a conversation with him, thus further leading him on. But I also don't want to ignore him. This guy is socially challenged and since I used to be that way I know how horrible rejection feels when you are in that state of mind (it feels horrible, anyway, no matter what your situation is).

Any ideas on how I can get out of this mess without hurting anyone and without making myself look like a total *itch? Do I really have to call this guy back?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 2:11pm

Yes, you really have to call him back. From what you've done (given number to sister) and from what the sister probably told him, he thinks you're interested. Now you get to be a big girl and step up and deal with it. I say meet him for drinks anyway. Nothing says you have to be boyfriend/girlfriend but you could end up being friends. Or you could end up as nothing. A few drinks, a little time spent, some conversation - what could it hurt?

And try not to do stuff if you don't want to. Grow a backbone, ya know?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 2:31pm

First, drop that shovel, it is digging a terribly deep hole. LOL

One idea everyone would kind of understand. Mildly dishonest . . against my grain but in this case . . "some one you have been seeing" has gotten a little more serious and you feel you want to give that a chance and not "cheat on" him by going out with someone else. There must be some one out there you feel like a serious relationship with that could ease you conscious . . George Clunny . . someone? (-:

Happened to me 3 days before a first meeting off of match, we stayed friends and have since met, and she is still madly in love with the guy . .so it's a credible thing, and no I dint "just think it up" (-: . . .her and I had talked a lot, I was looking forward to meeting her . . and was "disappointed" . . but not "hurt" when she had a pasionate week end with an old friend and feel hard and knew she could not see anyone else.

Option two, you owe no body a date, and honesty can hurt . . but going on this date sounds like a bad idea period. One way or another, drop this shovel, don't dig this hole one inch deeper. Any feelings hurt now will only be hurt more if this goes any further.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 2:56pm

I say you do need to call him back.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 4:30pm

First I believe that I don't hurt the other person's feelings and don't take responsiblity for the other person's feelings when I'm honest and do it with compassion. I'm not saying that I can always do that with skill and grace.

Second, you gave out your number for him to call. He called. And yes, suck it up and call him back. If you really don't want to talk to him anymore or meet him, then you can say that you are not comfortable in doing so and you were not thinking when you gave your number to his sister. No further explanations are needed IMHO. You can offer your church (or church in general) as a good place for him to find friends or activity clubs or volunteering. End of story.

Yes?

Mark

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Edited 6/16/2007 4:56 pm ET by mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 4:52pm

Well, I offered advice against the grain . .. what is being said does ring true and fair.

I think I keyed in on the 30 years of age and never a girlfriend, which I also kind of interrupted as a date. (-: I see this guy attaching instantly. However I took that strictly on what you said. Not knowing the guy, he might be shy, but wonderful . . who knows.
Drinks with a group of friends, keep it public . . and maybe every one is right, dug the whole, climb out. ???

The real lesson, started in that first conversation. Blind date is an automatic no for me . .. my answer is always along the lines of that happy hour you mentioned, bring them around to meet "everyone", not arranged. I just cant commit to a date with someone I have never met. That is like driving with your eyes closed to me. Put us in a room together, if chemistry is there things take care of themselves.

And Mark, sometimes it can hurt some feelings, but I sure would want to know, who wouldn't in the end. . (-: Not bad advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 5:51pm

Thanks everyone for the advice! Elwood, I agree that this guy strkes me as a leech, that's the reason I don't want to call him or even agree to meet him for drinks. To further confirm his potential leechiness, he called me again today. I wasn't near my phone, so I didn't even know he called. His message sounded like he was crying and/or angry. Ugh.

I think I am going to have to call him back. {{{{sigh}}}} But not until my kids go with their dad tonight. I'm not going to see my 7 yr old for a week because she's going to vacation bible camp tomorrow, so I'm spending lots of time with my kiddos today. Plus, I don't like to talk on the phone to someone new while my 3 yr old will be fighting for my attention. Or maybe I'm stalling...

Oh, and Shywon, last night I was working on school projects when he called. I'm terming him a loser based on what his sister said. There's nothing wrong with being alone on a Friday night, it's just not something I find attractive in a potential mate. I don't want to be the only source of entertainment in someone's life. He needs to have a life of his own. The fact is, even if his sister didn't tell me he was a loser (in so many words), calling someone for the first time at 9:30 on a friday night does not give a good first impression. Even with a guy who is normally very social, and he just stayed home because he wanted to (I do it all the time-but I'm not going to choose this time to call a new guy!), it still sends a certain message, whether true or not. And then he called me again today and he is mad because I didn't call him back? Umm...whatever.

Also, I gave my phone number out, but then I immediately changed my mind and told his sister to NOT have him call me. I even said that I was uncomfortable talking on the phone with people I've never met. That's when we talked about doing the happy hour thing, instead. She gave him my number anyway. >:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2007
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 6:01pm
Gosh - I had no idea it was bad to call at 9:30 on a Friday night. Where is this rule stated? Bottomline is you already don't like the guy before talking or meeting him. His picture and what his "sweet" sister told you about him sealed the deal. I bet this conversation would not be happening if the guy was HOT. If this guy looked like whoever you think is hot - it wouldn't matter what time he called. But I digress - be a big girl and call him back and say you're "just not interested in seeing anyone right now and sorry about all the confusion." Seriously - it's not that hard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 6:16pm

Well . . .maybe I wasn’t so far off base. (-: Your friend deserves a little lashing here too . . .not very nice to hand out numbers uninvited.

And . . be careful with the Friday night thing. For me it is Thursday night as I work six days. Not my favorite night to be out till 3. (-: I guess I get the point. More of those phone rules I never really would have given a lot of thought. LOL
The anger / desperation is however worrisome.

Others thoughts . . but if your friend handed out this number without permission . . . . ??? Might she bare some responsibility for explaining to her brother that she had been told NOT to have him call, it was inappropriate and is still unwelcome?

Who should you be calling? Him? Or her and tearing her a new one?

I do not see happy endings. You did say fledging friendship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 6:30pm

You're right, if the guy was attractive to me (he doesn't have to be hot, just someone who takes care of himself and who I feel I could be compatible with), it wouldn't be a big deal because I'd be interested. Simple as that.

But calling me at that time would cause me to go "hmmmm," although if I was interested in other areas (NOT just looks!) I'd probably still give him a chance. It's the whole package that I'm rejecting, not just one thing. And if ANY guy showed the same leechy tendancies, I'd feel the exact same way. It's a major turn off for me.

And it is a big deal to me because I don't want to hurt him, especially knowing that I'm the first girl who has been "interested" in this guy for a really long time.

As for the "rule," I've actually seen that written in lots of articles. To me, this is just a given. If you are interested in someone, you shouldn't make yourself completely available. Right or wrong, being along on a fri night screams "available." I've seen it with OLD and in real life. I've NEVER gotten an email from OLD or a first call in real life on a Fri/Sat night. I'm home lots on the weekends, so I'm not saying that anyone who doesn't go out on the weekends is a loser, I'm just talking about first impressions. I may be home on a Fri night, but I wouldn't advertise it to someone I'm interested in. I'd let him think that I'm busy having a life, so I don't come off as being needy and clingy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2007
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 6:35pm
I think you can have a busy life AND still be home on Friday and/or Saturday nights. Judging anyone on this seems pretty shallow to me. You still need to make that call.

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