How do I get out of this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
How do I get out of this?
50
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 1:18pm

Have you ever had those moments where you commit to something you don't really want to commit to, just to get out of the moment, and then when you have to face the music you struggle with graciously getting out of it?

I am so mad at myself. P is a semi-friend. I know her by association with other friends, so we are not at all close (if she was a close friend I'd have been more honest with her from the start, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings since this is a fledgling friendship). We were hanging out one night and she decided that I would be "perfect" for her brother. At the time I was like "ok, whatever, introduce us."

Then the next time I saw her she showed me a picture. Oi. This guy has to be pushing 300 pounds and I just did not find him attractive. Then she goes on to tell me that he is in his mid thirties and has never had a girlfriend. He's lonely, shy, and really uncomfortable around the opposite sex. But she was so excited about possibly getting her brother a girlfriend that I didn't know how to tell her I wasn't interested. So I grudgingly told her to give him my number. Then I changed my mind and said that we should just set up a group happy hour or something and have him show up so I can just meet him. I thought I got out of it, thinking I could just avoid that particular happy hour and maybe they'd all just forget about it.

Well, last night at 9:30, guess who calls me! Yep, it was him. I didn't answer because it was late and I didn't recognize the number, so he left a message. But, seriously, the guy calls me at 9:30 on a Friday night??? His sister admits that he has no life and no friends, but this just confirmed that I am so NOT interested!

Now I'm worried about hurting my friend's feelings, and hurting her brother's feelings as well. I really don't want to call him and have a conversation with him, thus further leading him on. But I also don't want to ignore him. This guy is socially challenged and since I used to be that way I know how horrible rejection feels when you are in that state of mind (it feels horrible, anyway, no matter what your situation is).

Any ideas on how I can get out of this mess without hurting anyone and without making myself look like a total *itch? Do I really have to call this guy back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 7:19pm

Don’t worry about the rule comment, just a bit rusty is all . . (-: Life has a way of doing that to folks sometimes. I don’t think a “first” call has ever happened on a Friday or Saturday?? Just don’t know. (-: It is part of why it is so interesting talking with everyone. I Learn . .learning and growing and improving are things I make an effort to do.

I did get the impression from your first posting you wanted a way out without pain, including his. And if he was given your number without permission . . I just am not going to lay this all completely at your feet. Firmer from the start would have been better, but we have all been there at one time or another too. His sister created the current discussion my disregarding you explicit request. If that is accurate, it is a very relevant fact in this discussion, and should be given proper weight.

However this gets handled, again IF I am seeing this accurately. . I see fragile personalities in your friend and her brother.

No happy endings.
Try . . be kind and gracious, but who ever you call, whatever you do . .stand up now. Be honest. And be prepared, I don’t see it as fun.

As for the whole hot conversation. I would hate to ever go on a date and find out it was an act of mercy. Whatever the reason, wrong girl, wrong time . . I hang with welcoming company. I am fickle that way. Figured out long ago not everyone likes me, but many do . . sounds to me like the gentleman in question is stuck on feeling like no one likes him, period. I know some pretty popular 300 ponders. . . the issue in this case is more than skin deep.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 8:31pm

I feel for you because I've been in your situation before and as matter-of-fact I was in your situation recently.

First, though, I agree with some who've already said it's not a big deal that he called you on a Friday night at 9:30. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Anyway, I had my mom's friend one time give my number to her son. At first I didn't have a problem with this but then things got strange. My grandmother died and I was out of town and this guy didn't know this. I got home and already had three messages from him! Then I did call him, we talked and I wanted to give him a chance. But one time I left the house for some boring errand and I got back and he had left me a message and I could tell he was mad. Then he got mad another time I left the house. I never met him in person because I was finally just honest with him. I told him that I wasn't ready to date anyone and really felt like I couldn't meet him in person. He stopped calling me after that.

Recently I went on a date with a guy, tried to give him a chance, but he started calling me all the time and I knew I didn't feel any chemistry with him. I finally very politely told him I'd like to see him again if he wanted but that I didn't want to lead him on or play games. I told him I'd simply like to get to know him better and he appreciated my honesty. But I guess he wanted more because I haven't heard back from him.

In a nice way you can tell this guy you're just not ready to date anyone and are sorry if you misled him or like others have said, you can meet him once, and then, if he keeps calling you can tell him you're not interested. If he's in the situation you're saying, you just meeting him for coffee or something may be the boost he needs to go out and meet someone else.

Good luck!

Michelle

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 11:02am

I'm with you on the Friday night tip. If one is going to be out socializing, it's usually going to be on the weekends. Most guys don't initiate first time conversations on a Friday evening; I think that's because they assume that we're out having fun. Why would they call when there's a 50% chance that she isn't going to be available? Maybe that's exactly why he chose that time/day to call. Maybe he WANTED to get your voice mail.

I'm home some Friday nights, but I totally get your point.

*Furthermore, I don't think you owe him a call. You have the right to change your mind. You don't know him. He's a perfect stranger. Why put either of you through the awkwardness? Plus, you TOLD his sister that you changed your mind. Hello? She's the one you need to call. You need to remind her of this conversation. Then she needs to be the one to break the news to her brother, not you. If your number made it into his hands before you informed his sister of this, she needed to be passing this information along, ASAP.

I've been accused of being a ghoster on this board before and you know what, as much as it sucks to be ghosted on, I would much rather go that route than have someone make up some lame excuse. I can read between the lines. I'm not an idiot. If someone ghosts, it obviously was not a good match, for whatever reason. Do we really need explanations? If I've gone out with someone more than twice, yeah, I would be interested in knowing why they stopped calling, but in your case, you haven't even MET this person.




Edited 6/17/2007 11:24 am ET by cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 3:14pm

I disagree its one thing to ghost on someone who you met online, but if someone set you up, you should call them, , if only out of respect to your relationship with the friend/family member etc that was trying to fix you up.

I would be incredibly embarrassed if I introduced two people, gave one another an email and someone ghosted or stood someone up or anything of the sort.

This recently happened to me, my cousin knew a guy she thought was really nice, she told him about me and vice/versa, he emailed me, we started chatting, he wanted to meet so he asked where I lived so we could figure out a half way point and I emailed him and I never heard from him again, we had a day picked out and everything, I emailed him once more just a like, Hey what's up? and nothing. She was mortified that he did that to me, I didn't really care because I have dealt with OLD for so many years and that's just how so many losers on OLD roll that I'm use to it, but she was so humiliated that he did that after she went on and on about how he was a nice guy. I felt bad for her, not for myself, I was just like eh whatever. LOL

Smile,

Deirdre

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 4:32pm
Writerchick hadn't set up a date with this guy though, and it was my understanding that she told her friend that she had changed her mind before the brother called. Whether she had changed her mind or not, I don't think she owes anyone anything. I realize this isn't a popular stance but it's mine ; )
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 9:05pm
I understand she didn't set up a date but from my reading her post she did not tell her friend that she wasn't interested, unfortunately she couldn't bring herself to do that so now in my opinion she at least owes a call.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 10:44pm

I have to agree.
Relevant fact, permission was not given for him to be given the number or to call her.

Paint a picture, my friend the designer decides she feels bad for me and decides to hook me up with “Ms whoever” . . .Ms whoever decides . . well I could "tolerate" meeting as a group at happy hour. So my friend the designer gets excited and comes running and gives me this girls number. In what way does Ms Whoever now owe "me" a thing?

If anything Ms whoever should be having a come to Jesus talk with my friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 11:41pm
Yeah well Ms. Whoever gave out the number in the first place then did some backpeddling after the fact and who knows if the guy's sister even told him that. It's still on the OP to make the call like a big girl.
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Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 12:05am

"Then I changed my mind and said that we should just set up a group happy hour or something and have him show up so I can just meet him. I thought I got out of it, thinking I could just avoid that particular happy hour and maybe they'd all just forget about it." --Writerchick

Why do you guys think that she HAS to call this guy? I don't understand. I could see your point of view if she had set up a date but that's not what is going on here. They've never even met. Heck, they've never even spoken to one another.

I see the point about the friend but she didn't even make any promises to her. She didn't say, yeah well let's meet here on this day at this time and then stand someone up. The way I understood it was, it was left more open ended and I STILL think she has the right to change her mind. The next time she ecounters said friend, she can mention that fact to her. No harm no foul in my book.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 12:15am

Okay, nobody signed anything in blood. People change their minds every day. What's the big deal? Again, if they had met or had spoken on the phone and had set something up, I think it would be incredibly rude not to call this guy back. However, that was not the case here. There's no contract.