How do I get out of this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
How do I get out of this?
50
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 1:18pm

Have you ever had those moments where you commit to something you don't really want to commit to, just to get out of the moment, and then when you have to face the music you struggle with graciously getting out of it?

I am so mad at myself. P is a semi-friend. I know her by association with other friends, so we are not at all close (if she was a close friend I'd have been more honest with her from the start, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings since this is a fledgling friendship). We were hanging out one night and she decided that I would be "perfect" for her brother. At the time I was like "ok, whatever, introduce us."

Then the next time I saw her she showed me a picture. Oi. This guy has to be pushing 300 pounds and I just did not find him attractive. Then she goes on to tell me that he is in his mid thirties and has never had a girlfriend. He's lonely, shy, and really uncomfortable around the opposite sex. But she was so excited about possibly getting her brother a girlfriend that I didn't know how to tell her I wasn't interested. So I grudgingly told her to give him my number. Then I changed my mind and said that we should just set up a group happy hour or something and have him show up so I can just meet him. I thought I got out of it, thinking I could just avoid that particular happy hour and maybe they'd all just forget about it.

Well, last night at 9:30, guess who calls me! Yep, it was him. I didn't answer because it was late and I didn't recognize the number, so he left a message. But, seriously, the guy calls me at 9:30 on a Friday night??? His sister admits that he has no life and no friends, but this just confirmed that I am so NOT interested!

Now I'm worried about hurting my friend's feelings, and hurting her brother's feelings as well. I really don't want to call him and have a conversation with him, thus further leading him on. But I also don't want to ignore him. This guy is socially challenged and since I used to be that way I know how horrible rejection feels when you are in that state of mind (it feels horrible, anyway, no matter what your situation is).

Any ideas on how I can get out of this mess without hurting anyone and without making myself look like a total *itch? Do I really have to call this guy back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 7:03am
So he called twice with no return call. Doesn't matter what the ground work was up to that point. Pretty rude to leave someone hanging like that, especially since his sister probably assured the guy this gal wanted a call. And by telling her to give him her phone number seemed like the case. He probably never got the "let's meet for happy hour" message. By now I'm sure the OP is hoping he'll take the hint and this will all be over. Why people can't be adults in this day and age is beyond me.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 8:43am

I guess it was the way I was raised I guess, I tend to return phone calls when people make them to me.

It was openended it wasn't a definite, she definitely can change her mind. But it's mature to at least call the friend and say, listen I am not interested, I made a mistake giving out my number etc.

If you wait until after she encounters said friend there might not be a friendship because she'll feel that the OP blew off her brother and was rude. If the friendship doesn't matter to her than I would suggest not caring or calling anyone in the situation and maybe it doesn't matter to her so who cares. But if she cares about the friendship at all or any surrounding friendships that might be effected by any ripple from the bad attitude from the friend for her blowing off the brother without a call or whatever than fine.

But if it were me I'd at least call the friend.

Smile,

Deirdre

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 10:57am

Like someone else said, it's about common courtesy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 11:16am

This is my position, call the friend.

I see the "obligation" to "him" as nonsensical. That is like that moment you kiss with passion but then realize . .wow, wait a minute, to soon, to fast . . and change your mind . . do you owe him, would he be right to "expect or demand" you honor an implied obligation? It is a mind set that leads to poor choices and I fully feel it is absolutely the adult move to call her friend and straighten it out where it started. Responsibly starts and ends there to me.

Uninvited calls, uninvited advances, whatever . . no woman ever "owes" a man an answer for "uninvited" attention. As a man I believe that to my core. If I want to meet someone, it is my job to create an invitation. It is good for my overall heath to except that if there is not "spark" I will not get a response, or if I do it will be negative. Sometimes saying next is the right thing to do. This is life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 11:38am
I'm probably coming from a little younger age, but often I'm not even OUT by 9:30 on Friday! :) I wouldn't think it was weird for someone to call me then...even if he's alone, no big deal. I do get that you're getting this impression from his sister (but who tries to set their friend up with someone then tells you he has no life and doesn't do anything??), but I wouldn't give a second thought to the phone call.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 11:47am
Ok, I agree that she doesn't HAVE to call, but to me the issue is if you want to keep the friendship with this other woman, you should. Out of respect for her, not him. You said you changed your mind about the one-on-one date, but not the phone number (if I remember correctly, I might be wrong here), so THAT'S the only reason I think you should call. Like someone else said, I'd be completely embarrassed if I set two people up and one never even called the other. Besides, I'd be embarrassed for my brother and be insulted that she thought him repulsive enough not enough to call once. Yeah I know the guy might sound a bit lame to you/us, but he's still her BROTHER. How much time is it really going to take to call? At least then the whole thing will be over with and you can just tell your friend you weren't feeling it. At least you'll have a legitimate, concrete excuse/reason.
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 12:04pm

Lovinhockey, Shy and Crabtastic:

I see the point about being an adult, having good manners and as shy said, being nice. I get that and I can respect it. However, what is she supposed to say to this guy? She is going to have to lie to him in essence, right? So, is she choosing the lesser of two evils? Which is worse: feeding someone a line of BS which, they will likely see right through, or allowing a spontaneous plan to fall between the cracks?

How about the alternative to lying? The alternative would be brutal honesty. Shy, this brings to mind your mentioning the word self absorbed or selfish or something to that effect. I'm not good at lying and I certainly do not want to hurt someone's feelings. Also, it doesn't take much for me to cave when I feel badly for someone. I could see myself calling this poor guy back and getting talked into a date. Isn't this just going to make it harder on him in the long run? Call me a sissy if you will; I just don't see the sense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 12:16pm

****Yeah I know the guy might sound a bit lame to you/us, but he's still her BROTHER***

The reason I kind of have strayed from this, and stuck to calling the friend. Two messages, and already he is clingy and angry? How is he going to react to a call, and then a personal direct rejection? This guy does not sound overly stable or secure, and at this point feelings get hurt no matter what. Why drag him in and turn it into a personal rejection as apposed to a misunderstanding between his sister and a friend? I understand what you are saying. With a "reasonable" guy . . I might even say why not? Could have a happy out come even if only a new friend in the group.

I keep "qualifying" this, but if the picture has been painted accurately . . hurt feelings are unavoidable, it is just damage control now anyway . . and the sister to me is the least of it. Better for her, better for her brother. Imagine his disappointment when after a 10 minuet conversation the "girl of his hopes" just says, well, boring, no thanks, don't think so. No matter what words she uses, this is what he is going to hear. Does this make any since? Not completely standing on principal on this one, it feels like the right thing to do.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 12:26pm

I guess I just don't like the fact that the guy is being judged before she talks to him.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 12:34pm
I get it, but if it were me, I'd rather a guy not return my call than to take me out on a pity date and then vanish or give me some lame excuse. I guess I'm weird like that.