How do I get out of this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
How do I get out of this?
50
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 1:18pm

Have you ever had those moments where you commit to something you don't really want to commit to, just to get out of the moment, and then when you have to face the music you struggle with graciously getting out of it?

I am so mad at myself. P is a semi-friend. I know her by association with other friends, so we are not at all close (if she was a close friend I'd have been more honest with her from the start, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings since this is a fledgling friendship). We were hanging out one night and she decided that I would be "perfect" for her brother. At the time I was like "ok, whatever, introduce us."

Then the next time I saw her she showed me a picture. Oi. This guy has to be pushing 300 pounds and I just did not find him attractive. Then she goes on to tell me that he is in his mid thirties and has never had a girlfriend. He's lonely, shy, and really uncomfortable around the opposite sex. But she was so excited about possibly getting her brother a girlfriend that I didn't know how to tell her I wasn't interested. So I grudgingly told her to give him my number. Then I changed my mind and said that we should just set up a group happy hour or something and have him show up so I can just meet him. I thought I got out of it, thinking I could just avoid that particular happy hour and maybe they'd all just forget about it.

Well, last night at 9:30, guess who calls me! Yep, it was him. I didn't answer because it was late and I didn't recognize the number, so he left a message. But, seriously, the guy calls me at 9:30 on a Friday night??? His sister admits that he has no life and no friends, but this just confirmed that I am so NOT interested!

Now I'm worried about hurting my friend's feelings, and hurting her brother's feelings as well. I really don't want to call him and have a conversation with him, thus further leading him on. But I also don't want to ignore him. This guy is socially challenged and since I used to be that way I know how horrible rejection feels when you are in that state of mind (it feels horrible, anyway, no matter what your situation is).

Any ideas on how I can get out of this mess without hurting anyone and without making myself look like a total *itch? Do I really have to call this guy back?

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 12:38pm

But she hasn't agreed to a date.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 12:49pm
I'm just going to have to agree to differ. I don't think she has a moral or ethical obligation to call him back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2001
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 1:13pm

I think you're new fledgling friend was being a b*tch for thinking you were the one for her brother, and pushing someone you were obviously disinterested in onto you.

She put you in a real position and that's not fair. I haven't read the OP's opinions, but I would just not call him. Why call him and make him feel worse?

Beach

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 1:38pm

Exactly. Had she just said from the getgo she wasn't interested in him, that he wasn't her type to the friend when she saw his picture this would be a non-issue right now. So yes she should at the very least call the friend.

Nobody is saying the woman OWES anything to anyone we aren't talking about her first born children we are talking about a simple phone call for her to straighten out a misunderstanding that she created.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 1:51pm

I totally agree shy. I mean the loser thing is a bit uncalled for especially because he was home on a friday night. Ummmm last I read so wasn't she since she was there when he called. I didn't think being home on a friday night qualified you as a loser automatically. But then again I'm not big on calling people names just because they aren't mr/ms social butterfly etc.

But beyond that it's just common courtesy and supposedly the second phone call he sounded like he was crying or angry. Maybe he freaking stubbed his toe right as the answering machine answered, maybe it had NOTHING to do with her isn't there being MUCH read into a tone of someones voice that may have nothing to do with her.

Jeez

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 9:02pm

cfk:

Maybe the guy wouldn't vanish or give you a lame excuse. Just maybe he'd be an adult and tell you that he didn't think you'd be a match or something along those lines. Wouldn't it be so nice if everyone could just tell the truth? Then all this lame crap wouldn't be happening.




Edited 6/18/2007 11:14 pm ET by crabulous
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 10:59pm

Whoa. This has gotten WAY out of hand! All I wanted was some advice on how to get out of an uncomfortable situation. And I've been slammed and called names. So who's the immature ones, here? Yes, I put myself in the situation, but there was no way I could have known that it would get this far or that this guy would call me all desperate and angry (and I highly doubt that he stubbed his toe. puhleeze). And I gave her my number, said it was ok to have him call me, and then IMMEDIATELY I said, wait, no, let's do a happy hour instead, I'm not comfortable with talking to someone I don't know on the phone.

And, Cfk3 and elwood, thank you for your support. cfk3, I am so with you on the sissy thing. I would probably wimp out, too, rather than hurt his feelings or lie. That is the whole problem.

I only wanted to know how to get out of this graciously without hurting anyone. I didn't ask to be analyzed and picked apart or told that I need to be a "big girl." I'm not rude, self-absorbed, immature or whatever else you all have called me or alluded to.

I may be a "big girl" but that doesn't mean I have to subject myself to situations that make me uncomfortable.

And crabulous, you may want to go back and check your post. I am seriously hoping that when you wrote cfk3's name, that was a typo. You might want to go back and edit it.

I'm done with this post. I won't be reading anymore responses.

Thanks to all who provided intellegent advise and sincere support. =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 11:15pm
OOOPS! Thanks. I did edit it.
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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 11:22pm

Actually, that IS what being a grownup is all about IMO--doing the right thing even if it makes you uncomfortable.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 12:27am

Sheri and Crab,

I see that aspect of it, being a grown-up, and I get it but some of the posters were coming down a bit hard on writerchick, in my opinion. Almost wagging their fingers in a way, as if she owed it to this guy to call him.

This isn't the debate board, I realize this, but I stand firm that I see no moral or ethical obligation to return his call. Can either of you tell me why she should call him back and please don't use the excuse that "it's the right thing to do". Really, why do you think it's so imperative? What do either of them stand to gain from it? What will it benefit this guy if she were to call him? If I'm being a punk, I'd like to know ; )

Seriously. I don't make a habit out of doing this sort of thing but yes, I've done it before and honestly didn't see the harm. I just figured, well, he'll put two and two together. By him I don't mean someone I was DATING. I mean syomeone I met at a bar who actually used my phone number for a change. That sort of thing . . .