How do I get out of this?
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 06-16-2007 - 1:18pm |
Have you ever had those moments where you commit to something you don't really want to commit to, just to get out of the moment, and then when you have to face the music you struggle with graciously getting out of it?
I am so mad at myself. P is a semi-friend. I know her by association with other friends, so we are not at all close (if she was a close friend I'd have been more honest with her from the start, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings since this is a fledgling friendship). We were hanging out one night and she decided that I would be "perfect" for her brother. At the time I was like "ok, whatever, introduce us."
Then the next time I saw her she showed me a picture. Oi. This guy has to be pushing 300 pounds and I just did not find him attractive. Then she goes on to tell me that he is in his mid thirties and has never had a girlfriend. He's lonely, shy, and really uncomfortable around the opposite sex. But she was so excited about possibly getting her brother a girlfriend that I didn't know how to tell her I wasn't interested. So I grudgingly told her to give him my number. Then I changed my mind and said that we should just set up a group happy hour or something and have him show up so I can just meet him. I thought I got out of it, thinking I could just avoid that particular happy hour and maybe they'd all just forget about it.
Well, last night at 9:30, guess who calls me! Yep, it was him. I didn't answer because it was late and I didn't recognize the number, so he left a message. But, seriously, the guy calls me at 9:30 on a Friday night??? His sister admits that he has no life and no friends, but this just confirmed that I am so NOT interested!
Now I'm worried about hurting my friend's feelings, and hurting her brother's feelings as well. I really don't want to call him and have a conversation with him, thus further leading him on. But I also don't want to ignore him. This guy is socially challenged and since I used to be that way I know how horrible rejection feels when you are in that state of mind (it feels horrible, anyway, no matter what your situation is).
Any ideas on how I can get out of this mess without hurting anyone and without making myself look like a total *itch? Do I really have to call this guy back?

Pages
A couple reasons:
--because not doing so will create an awkward situation between the OP and her friend.
--because rightly or wrongly, the sister gave him the go-ahead to call and he has a reasonable expectation that the OP was expecting to hear from him so it's got to be baffling to him as to why he hasn't heard back from her. A simple "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have told her to give you my number, I'm not really into dating right now" or something similar will suffice. It benefits him because he's not wondering WTF? And who knows? He might end up being someone who would be a good friend.
This is different from some random guy in a bar. He's her friend's *brother*.
At a minimum, she needs to talk to her friend and straighten this out. Perhaps the friend will agree that it's best that she (the sister) tell him rather than her calling him. But to just try to sweep it under the rug is not a good idea.
Sheri
Hello everyone,
This is a reminder about our Terms of Service (TOS http://www.ivillage.com/help/tos.html) and Rules of Play (http://www.ivillage.com/boards/0,,b46m,00.html). Because this is a public forum, some argument is to be expected, as well as that not everyone will agree with your opinions. However, please remember to
_________________________________________________

I agree about not "owing" a call back considering the circumstances of how he got the number. However who knows what her friend told him when she gave him the phone number? Plus on the more practical side, he may keep calling her until she sets him straight with a response.
Mark
However this works out, I think OP needs to chalk this up as a learning experience. I never mix money or the volatile emotional world of dating with friends. (-: (Or work) I never say never . . but . . She would need to blow my socks off, and I would have to have met her for that to happen. (Kind of removes mutual friends from mix some . . .but in the end, if you crash and burn, conflicting loyalties apply.) More potential down sides than up sides, and friendships can end over conflicting loyalties.
Blind dates are a never for me, equal risk . . I might regret it, but so might she . . .then it is just an awkward night waiting to end. I have never had a long term result from anything like a blind date or "set up" of any kind. First date should be based on "first meetings" and a "shared" mutual attraction of some kind. Like I said around my first response, like driving with your eyes closed, the results are predictable. (-:
Put us in a room together . .and if it is a good match it takes care of its own, without hopes, agendas, etc. But then again, I am a pretty simple guy in general.
Smile,
Deirdre
I just got into this on another string. I am anything but blind IF I meet someone off a dating site now. In the beginning, you are kind of right, and a lot of really bad dates insued. Now, I chalange her on the phone, in email . . .every way I can to get past nicitys and a time and place. I want to engae in a conversation. (-: It elimanates a lot of people along the way. But the experience is far better with the ones who warm up to me that way, for a simple reason. . . it is the “first thing” we already share in common. It got rid of the crazys and the job interviews. And in time . .who knows . . I might get back on Match or something. It just feels wrong for me at the moment . . truth be told . . I am sitting back a bit for a little while in general anyway. Taking a breath sometimes is just the perfect thing to do.
Match does not have to be blind, make it a “filter” and go for quality over quanity . . . email and a phone can be powerful things. (-:
Oh I email and talk to them on the phone but still you can still connect with someone on the phone and email and then meet them and the picture they put up is 20 years ago, of someone totally different etc. and you aren't physically attracted to them when you meet so while you see a picture online, then you talk on email and phone it's still somewhat blind as in who knows what you are actually getting when you arrive at the restuarant. It's happened before I am sure it will happen again. People send old pictures and then hope that their connection with you on the phone or email will sustain it and it doesn't always because you aren't remotely physically attracted to them and then you feel irritated that they lied to you on top of that.
Oh and I got a good chuckle out of your "quality over quantity" post. Ummm I have a date maybe one every six months. I would hardly call that quantity.
Smile,
Deirdre
I have to get ready for work, but real fast. The 20 year old picture thing only happened to me once. It was 20 years and probably 80 lbs ago. Two different people. The worst thing is I really enjoyed talking to her. Good connection on the phone, email . . .and I was going to close my eyes to it. I “think” I liked her. But you said it, the “lie” was so huge . . what a friggen con . . .how much more of what was said had been BS? Never made the second date, and made sure she knew exactly why. I could not live with the level of dishonesty attached to that one. Heck, these people KNOW sooner or later you have to meet them, right? Lol So men pull that one too . .. hmmm. . .
And you are dead on . . have to be a bit careful “what” you say on the phone . . even if he is smoken hot . . connections and chemistry are strange bed fellows at times. That first meeting . . man I loved getting that behind me. If you were totally attracted on the phone, AND totally attracted in person . .then first date was pretty fun. ((-: But a few crash and burns too. You are reminding me why I wanted a break. Lol
<<>>
Hence why I only date once every 6 months because I get annoyed with the "quality" of men that write and then if I finally can weed through I get a decent guy it just doesn't work out for one reason or another, so then I get annoyed and take a break. I have never consistently done the online dating thing because it's so frustrating the "level" of quality out there.....aka lack there of.
Smile,
Deirdre
But also, the whole game, Match . .all of it . .I think I was losing sight of myself and what I wanted. Never good when you begin to confuse lonely or horny with anything special. (-: The very last girl I dated held that mirror up to my face. Long story and I will spare you, but I asked my self if I missed it or ignored it . . and the truth is I think I closed my eyes. Not the type of person in general I spend my time with. Not even for "casual" relationships or encounters. So I hit the brakes. I do kind of get it. A little time to clear the air. (-:
Pages