how do I help my daughter with this one?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
how do I help my daughter with this one?
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Mon, 07-02-2007 - 7:49pm
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Edited 7/10/2007 10:13 am ET by elwood1960

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Registered: 03-16-2006
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 8:36pm

My sister had the EXACT same situation with her boyfriend. He emotionally abused her, never allowed her to make any decisions, and almost never allowed her to talk...even to us, her own family. She put on 30 pounds and wore nothing but sweats and never wore makeup. This is a girl who wore tight clothes, make-up, and could have any guy she wanted. It turns out he was a pothead and an alcoholic. The only way he got his money was the money she was making.

This guy was so bad that when he moved to Florida for a month, he called the house every 45 seconds for 5 hours...literally. He yelled at her over the phone and I couldn't stand listening to it. I kept hanging up on him. Eventually, I told him to stop it to the point where I got the cops involved. The cop must have been from California. I have never seen someone so laid back. The ex had the nerve to scream at the cop and told him to F off while he just calmly talked to him. He only stopped called the police department where he was living to stop calling or they would have him arrested.

I'm glad to hear that you were very welcoming her back into your home. My father is not easy to live with. He's a pusher/motivator and very critical, which is why she moved out in the first place. My aunt and I had constant arguments with him about his parenting techniques. We basically told him just let her back in the house with no strings attached so she could get back on her feet. She's a big girl and can figure it out herself. So she moved back in. She was in a depression for quite a few months trying to get over him, her weight gain, and her low self confidence.

She slowly made friends at work. They encouraged her to go out with them. A year later she has lost 25 of those pounds, routinely gets hit on by guys, and has an active social life again.

Your daughter might need a good female role model. My mother is ill and not in a position to be that role model. My aunt provided that for my sister by allowing her to visit, even paying for her flights to and from Florida. They went to Italy together and she couldn't stop talking about it for months.

She needs to get rid of the negative influences. She may need to stay away from he mother for awhile.

Although I'm not a parent of a teenager and no plans on becoming on in the next 15 years, I hope my sister's story might help. I think your stance is exactly what she needs right now. Suggest once in a while that she return to school since it's something she's good at.

BTW...he was also a cry baby whenever she got tough with him. I think he was playing with her emotions.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 8:48pm

I think the best approach would be to let her know that you don't think he's a good match for her but that she's an adult and you trust her to make her own decisions and to take responsibility and live with the consequences of those decisions.

If she ASKS you why you don't think he's a good match then you might enumerate some of the reasons but try to keep it as objective as possible--and/or say something like, you don't seem happy with him and I hate to see you unhappy.

She's going to need to figure it out for herself though--as you say, if you push her, she'll just dig her heels in.

Sheri

Avatar for mhash
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 3:17am

So your daughter loves this loser. I agree with Sheri. You cannot say anything about him or the relationship UNLESS she asks. But I suspect that she already knows how you feel and therefore does not want to talk about it since she knows you will be disapproving and judging..yes?

My take is to give her support by letting her know that yes you do not approve of J but you love her and want the best for her and want to be there for her and know that she is an adult and will let her make her own life decisions. Is she living with you because he drained her of all her money? If so then aren’t you her enabler? You are supporting her so she can support J?

So if she were my daughter then I would state my values and the type of people I would want in my life and why, e.g. I am wanting to be the best I can be in being positive, self supportive, good work ethic, being healthy, yadda, yadda, yadda, and only want to be with those who embrace similar values/lifestyle. And then use that as my reason why I don’t like having J around.

I would say to your daughter that I know you are a different person and working on learning how to be your own person so we can agree to disagree on J. I also want to let you know that I will not say anything judgmental about him unless you ask me what is my opinion or ask for my advice. My main focus is to love and accept you which means accepting your decisions on a boyfriend despite what I think about him and how he behaves.

You can approach how you talk with her by being curious and asking questions on how she feels and what she wants. This way you will put a mirror up to her rather than judging her. If she sees/hears herself through the questions you ask her WITHOUT judgment or evaluation then she will realize herself what sort of guy he is and why she is choosing to be with him.

Take care Elwood,
Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2007
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 8:29am
I agree with the advice so far. Tread lightly, and offer your unconditional support while not compromising your values. You're not allowing this J into your house says you respect yourself and your property enough not to endanger it and this will translate to your daughter. If/when she asks for your advice - make it more about wanting the best for her, not about what a loser/creep boyfriend is. That way she'll be more receptive.
But I have to warn you, that as someone who spent way too much time trying to appease an emotional vampire, the realization that J will bring your daughter nothing good may have to come to her on its own.
Best of Luck, Heather

~Heather~

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Registered: 05-30-2007
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 10:32am
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Edited 7/10/2007 10:14 am ET by elwood1960
Avatar for cl_shywon
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 10:48am

I had to think about this one for awhile.

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Registered: 01-26-2006
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 11:05am

I agree with everyone else, but I thought I'd stick in some advice from someone of a similar age as your daughter. :)

One of my friends is in such a relationship. The guy's basically a deadbeat, she was housing him in her old apartment, when she moved they moved in together (they haven't even been together a year), he's wasted in some shape or form the majority of the time while she doesn't even smoke, he complains about having no money (and actually mentioned going on food stamps! I was REALLY upset when she told me that) even though he obviously has the money to spend on smoking and only has a part-time job at a bar, she pays most of their rent, he's possessive and just has a bad attitude toward her overall...I've told her very clearly and a number of times that I DON'T like him and that I think she could do better. Normally I would never have the nerve to say something so harsh to a friend, but she had me go out with them so I could meet him.

This is the FIRST time I ever talked to this guy...within ten minutes of meeting him he asked me why anyone would ever want to work for a non-profit (this coming from the guy that works part-time at a bar and whose girlfriend supports him), when I used my passport as an ID gave me crap about it, saying that "where he comes from" having a license is normal (I don't drive) but having a passport isn't and then proceeded to insinuate that my friend and I were both wealthy spoiled brats pretty much, even though he'd just met me and didn't know that I come from a rough neighborhood and working-class parents. When we passed my friend and I's alma mater, we said we missed it, to which he responded, "well where did it get you? to be a big financial analyst?" This coming after she'd JUST lost/quit her job. When we got to the restaurant, he refused to eat because we didn't go where HE wanted to go, even though we'd spent 45 minutes at her place trying to decide where to go and I put my foot down because no one could decide and I still had an hour to get back to my place. When she didn't want to tell us something about one of her guy friends because she said it was personal and he wouldn't want her to tell, he flipped out and went on a rant about not knowing what else she wasn't telling him. I retorted that she wasn't telling me either and he said, "Well you're not sleeping with her." If I wasn't already, I was SO done with this guy by now.

Anyway, the moral of that LONG story is that this was four or five months ago and they're still together. You just can't tell people things (especially when we're younger, I know, I can be stubborn about it) when it comes to their love lives, she's going to have to figure it out on her own, hopefully sooner rather than later. My advice would be to just make sure she has you to fall back on when she comes to her senses and she can always go back to school, she has plenty of time.

Good luck. :)

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Registered: 05-30-2007
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 11:10am
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Edited 7/10/2007 10:15 am ET by elwood1960
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 11:19am

Hi Elwood!

Just dropped in for a quick sec. Thought I'd respond to your post.

I've read through the responses and for the most part I agree with what everyone has to say.

The best thing *I* can tell you is that your daughter needs some tough love. She needs to fall on her face unfortunately. She NEEDS to have her electricity cut off, her phone disconnected, her car respossessed, and so forth - she NEEDS to lose everything - to SEE what a loser this guy is and how badly she messed up. In short, she needs to hit rock bottom which she hasn't done yet because there's always been someone there to pick her up. Of course, all the while, just stand back, be loving and supportive of course, but let her know that she's an adult now and these are *her* choices and she is going to have to deal with them. Put it on *her.* This is what she wants so let her have it. :) (You know that saying about being careful of what you wish for...?)

I'm not saying you did anything bad. Heck, you're her dad so you're only doing what you think is best for her! But she sounds like one of those people who only learns from the School of Hard Knocks. It may take a while unfortunately, but she needs to hit the bottom before she can come back up again. Good luck to you both!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 12:47pm
Your post hit home with me because your daughter reminds me of myself at her age. I was always trying my best to do good in school, financially support myself and getting "sucked into" situations with guys who were not even close to good for me. I didn't even know what a healthy relationship was supposed to look like because of my dysfunctional childhood.
I had to learn my own lessons, hard as they were. Over time I realized that I was making a mistake. It took me quite a while, but I got it and I think the only reason why it took me so long to "get it" was I didn't have a supportive family around me at all and basically had to raise and reparent myself. Your daughter is lucky because she has you as a role model. I would talk to her "adult to adult" in this situation. Tell her that you are concerned, let her know where you stand, be firm but kind, and tell her you are there for her to talk to if she needs. Then the rest is up to her. She might have to learn her lesson the hard way, but at least she knows that you are there for her and that you care.
Another poster mentioned about a female rolemodel. Is there any females that you trust around you (friends or family) that maybe could also talk to her too?

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