how do I help my daughter with this one?

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Registered: 05-30-2007
how do I help my daughter with this one?
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Mon, 07-02-2007 - 7:49pm
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Edited 7/10/2007 10:13 am ET by elwood1960
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Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 1:11pm

>>She is at one of those “defining moments”.<<

I agree with the advice everyone has given already. I just wanted to touch on your last comment - the defining moment. If you look at your own defining moments, they are likely really difficult times that made you realize something new about yourself and what you wanted for your life. When you come out on the other side, you are amazed at what you were able to survive and overcome. As hard as it must be for a parent, you really do need to let her experience this defining moment for herself. Like emdeesea said, she "needs" it at some level.

It may be incredibly painful for her, and she may struggle to dig out of it, but I do believe that these experiences will help her become a better person down the road. It will make her stronger. Once she is away from this guy (and I'd bet she'll realize his full loser status eventually), she will be able to set better boundaries for herself and hopefully boost her own self esteem and self worth.

I think the best part of the whole situation is that she has you as a safe harbor. At the end of the day, when she does finally realize what a loser this guy is, she has a safe place to land while she gets back on her feet and onto a better path. Keep the faith in the meantime.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

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Registered: 05-30-2007
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 1:18pm
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Edited 7/10/2007 10:16 am ET by elwood1960
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Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 1:22pm

>>I am broke at the moment, and have no insurance . . or I would try to slip a little professional counseling in right this moment.<<

For your daughter? Didn't you say she was in college? If so, most colleges have counseling for free or cheap on campus. Worth a peek at their Web site to find out.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for cfk_3
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Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 2:04pm

I dated a guy while living at home, 19, who my parents hated. All this did was make me more determined to be with him. It fizzled out after a year, but that had nothing to do with my parents.

Have you thought about trying to turn this "J" around? Maybe try to spend some quality, one on one time with him? Do you think there's any hope for him? You indicated that Heather is 21, how old is "J"?

Why do you think that Heather is settling for someone like him? Has she ever dated someone who treated her well? I'm not knocking her, BTW, I've dated a few bums in my day.

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Registered: 05-30-2007
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 2:23pm
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Edited 7/10/2007 10:17 am ET by elwood1960
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Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 3:41pm

Spend time with her. Talk about other things. you said you are broke so maybe movies and dinner are out but make a point to have breakfast with her every morning (even if its just coffee) and read the newspaper together. Do crosswords together, remind her of herself. Do what she likes to do. Remind her that she was good in school. Do all of this without talking about J. Once she get preoccupied by other things she might start to think a bit more clearly. I can't tell you how much a miss having breakfast with my dad every morning and doing the crosswords now that I'm moved away. But just being there is better than being there with an agenda.

Now that she's moved in you might want to ask her to pitch in a bit with the bills. This way she's not giving all her money to J's drug habit. You don't even have to use the money she gives you just put it away for when she goes back to school.

I agree whole heartedly with everyone else. You can't do anything to force her hand but I think you already know that. She'll get it she just needs the reassurance that she can stand on her own two feet and she'll be happy without him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2001
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 3:50pm

Elwood -

Your situation with your daughter really touched a cord with me today, and I can read from your emails the frustration you must be feeling seeing your daughter do untold damage to her future that she will need time to recuperate. Yes, we all know that you can graduate college at 60 if you have the desire to finish school, but the loss of income earnt or career opportunities are much more difficult to gain. There are many of us who finished college and have numerous sellable skills and still have a tough time landing that great job with great employers.

People like J like to drag others down with them. You mentioned he wasn't abusive, but abuse is more than something physical. If she has tried to end the relationship and he has used emotional reasons why she shouldn't leave him (ie he will take his life - or some dramatic BS like that) than that is abuse. Your daughter just doesn't see it that way. Emotional abuse is just as caustic as physical abuse. And I am talking from experience.

I wondered if she feels the need to 'rescue' him in some way. Maybe rescue the person she can't rescue with her mother, but with J she can be that 'rescuer'. She is also too young to really understand what a healthy relationship constitutes, or too young to understand what she just gave up with college and the scholarship. She still sees her whole life in front of her and really has no idea of the consequences of her current actions.

I doubt there is anyone who can talk any sense into her head. She will, like many women, will need to take time in this relationship to see that it's not healthy for her.

Don't you wish you could literally knock some sense into her? I wish I could knock some sense into her head. I have dated total mooching losers before and the whole time you are trying to make them happy, bending over backwards to do things for them, wondering why you do all this stuff for them and they don't treat you any better. The problem with these losers is they know when they are on to a good thing and will fight hard not to let the female go.

Maybe it's time for a reverse tactic. You suddenly want J to become more involved with the family. I know you worry about him stealing, so hide the valuables and invite him over to dinner. Invite him over to assist you with a home project that you and your daughter are also involved with. I am sure he will not be enthusiastic and maybe your daughter will start to see he doesn't have the qualities you have. Talk about the qualities she is looking for in a partner and find out if J is filling those expectations.

I think this has a lot to do with her needing to feel unconditional love, the unconditional love she didn't get from her mother. The problem is she is mistaking J's uselessness and neediness with love for her. This guy doesn't love her or he wouldn't have wanted to see her throw her future away by getting kicked out of school. He is just using your daughter and unfortunately she will be the only one who will be able to discover it on her own.

Best of luck and let us know what happens.

Beach

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Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 3:57pm

>>Counseling never lasted as MOM would see how the DR was in this big conspiracy with us against her and put an end to it all. <<

One of my best friends is bipolar, so I know how this goes. It is a very misunderstood illness and can be a big burden on the person's family and friends. I hope for all of your sake that she is able to find the help she needs -- I have seen the right medication and help from doctors work wonders on my friend.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for mhash
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 4:08pm

Elwood, I can understand your fear of losing your daughter and your desire to do everything you think you need to do in order to help her.

I am giving you a perspective of someone who does not know your daughter or you or your ex or J and the history.

I do know that I cannot really change anyone. I can provide the supportive environment. I can provide the wisdom and perspective. I can pray.

I know with my children that being direct sometimes is not the way to help them hear me and my "wisdom" or perspective. If you tell your daughter what a loser J is or how messed up her mother is, then she may "hear" you but not listen to you.

You can reiterate how you are concerned for her (by listing the specifics, e.g. how she is failing college, etc.) and love her. You may want to approach this situation first from listening and understanding her and not speaking.

I think the key is to focus on her behavior rather then J's. If you keep to discussing behavior that she is doing that concerns you then that may make it easier to talk about changing her behavior. She needs to (1) agree that is what she is not/doing, e.g. failing (2) agree that she wants to do something different and (3) have her come up with ways on how she wants to do things differently. THEN you can jump in to support HER DECISION on how to change.

I immediately think "therapy" as well.

Good luck man,
Mark

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Registered: 05-30-2007
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 4:12pm
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Edited 7/10/2007 10:18 am ET by elwood1960