how do I help my daughter with this one?

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Registered: 05-30-2007
how do I help my daughter with this one?
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Mon, 07-02-2007 - 7:49pm
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Edited 7/10/2007 10:13 am ET by elwood1960
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Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 4:24pm

J and mom are attached to the very same issues I think, fix one fix'em all . . ..


Have you considered suggesting that J move in with your ex? Sounds to me like they would be good housemates.


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Registered: 05-30-2007
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 4:30pm
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Edited 7/10/2007 10:18 am ET by elwood1960
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 6:04pm

I see that therapy "did not work" so how about going to Al-anon which helps those who are in relationship with users/addicts.

She can see/hear "the truth" from others and get the support (maybe).

Take care and man that's really tough.

Mark

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Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 6:23pm

Heya Elwood,

Ok so I read this whole thing and if I may say, I truly, truly feel for you and the whole issue with the ex-wife/daughter dynamic...my aunt is NPD (and Bipolar i suspect as well, though I've never psychometrically tested her for either) and NPD's are the most painful of all personality disorders. And you are right...there are no meds for it, and therapy can be, unfortunately, contraindicated for this disorder in certain individuals.

Anyhow...just my sympathies as I completely empathize.

As far as your daughter and her "possible" drug use, even if its just a bit of pot, its enough that it may cause problems...especially if she's hanging around a tough crowd. Though you may feel you can recognize the signs of drug use based on your "personal experiences", I want to caution you that addicts nowadays are very clever and deceptive about their use. And even if its just a bit of pot, it can obviously affect judgement, mood and the like which may be linked to her behaviors with school, job and relationships.

There are likely community based mental health clinics that can charge you for services based on your income if you feel that therapy is necessary. They are not sub-par counselors either so its not going to affect the quality of the therapy if you get into the right therapy sessions with the right therapists. There are two huge keys to successful therapy: Belief by the client it will work, and belief by the therapist that the technique/therapy works. If a normally intelligent, previously successful woman turns down the path your daughter has taken, it may be a sign of bigger issues, such as depression. I would ask your daughter about therapy because if she's not willing to work on it, therapy will not work and be a waste of time and money.

As far as the BF, I had an unhealthy relationship (not abusive, just not a good one) in my early twenties and it took some support from my mother and looking in the mirror and not recognizing myself or liking what I saw, to kick his butt to the curb. Unfortunately, you can only be supportive because she is an adult and needs to make her own decisions and not enable her negative behavior.

Again, I really empathize with the situation....

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 12:26pm

What did you decide to do (or not do)?

What's the update on your daughter and J?

Mark

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Registered: 05-30-2007
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 12:50pm
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Edited 7/10/2007 10:19 am ET by elwood1960
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Registered: 08-16-2005
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 1:13pm

Wow I find it a bit appalling that everyone else in the lounge didn't say anything to him for calling her that. What did his mom and dad think of him calling her a SW??? If that were my son I would have told him to apologize and that he was a disgrace for speaking to a woman in such a manner.

He's a piece of crap. I hope your daughter finds her self esteem soon, it's too bad she's lost it somewhere along the way and feel she deserves to be treated in such a horrible manner. Nobody deserves to be spoken to in that way. BLECH!

Smile,

Deirdre

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Registered: 05-30-2007
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 2:20pm
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Edited 7/10/2007 10:20 am ET by elwood1960
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 2:57pm

Good luck on your daughter. It sounds like a promising beginning.

What you said about J's parents is the reason why I can only be friends and have any sort of relationship with people who are self aware.

My ex tells me that she wonders why the kids don't do what she wants for she yells at them all the time. I keep from telling her that gee maybe that is why they don't pay attention to her and double gee, maybe yelling more won't change things either.

Mark

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Registered: 01-26-2006
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 3:18pm

Honestly, it's just in some people's dispositions, especially at that age. I was always fine, my parents never even HAD to yell at me. I liked school (as I've said before, I come from a rough area as well...I think it actually made me stronger and uhh...gave me some attitude, but that's a different issue :) ), did well...my mom wasn't my first long-term boyfriend's biggest fan, but only because he was 2.5 years younger than me (which was a bigger deal when I was 18) and I held myself back from a lot at school to be with him...plus we just tended to have stupid arguments often. He would never have spoken to me like that though...and I would have kicked him to the curb if he did.

Anyway, my brother is my opposite...our parents raised us the same, but he consistently failed his classes, graduated high school when he was 20, lied to my parents pretty regularly, has a massive temper (and says things to my parents that I would never DREAM of)...you get the picture. He'd definitely be the type to dig his heels in if my parents told him not to do something. The more my parents yelled at him, the less he did what they wanted. He's getting a little bit better as he gets older, but he still listens to me FAR more than my parents. I think you said she has brothers and/or sisters....have you ever had them try to talk to her? My mom has asked me to talk to my brother a few times in the past...not in a lecturing way, just in a casual, "I thought of this by myself" way. :)