how do you know if he's the one

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
how do you know if he's the one
Wed, 02-27-2013 - 7:27pm

For someone my age it seems delayed. I'm a late bloomer. What can I say.

I've been back with my bf now.  Boy, did it take me a long time to really clarify what is missing. I don't know if it's a matter of perception or it is for real. In examining my past, my expectation somehow never aligned with what is good for me so I thought I post it here for some objective views.

I have mentioned in the past, my bf's financial handling was a big issue. I've come to term with it somewhat. Mainly b/c he was able to do a re-mod on his home loan so now it's affordable for him to keep. That was a huge step forward for him financially.  It was a combination hard work on his part and luck as well. He still has some habits that I don't entirely agree with. For example, keeps buying expensive online flowers and send it to my office on V-day. I've told him in the past I would be just as happy with fresh flowers from local stores. I still have a collection of vases I can use to put the flowers in. It doesn't detract from the beauty of the occasion and economical at the same time.  Besides I don't like the showing off nature of getting flowers at the office. OR, buying large  quantities of food and waste it. These things although not big but he doesn't make a lot of money. Along with helping his son who's still in school, he hasn't been able to save. So apart from the house, he really has nothing.  Retirement is not an option.  Maybe in the future with a  very modest amount in inheritance, social security, and equity in his house, (and hopefully help from his son), he will be able to retire around 70 or for a reasonable life style but it wouldn't be exactly golden.

But there are other issues as well, I find that as a woman, I need to feel taken care of. In this case not financially but in other ways. For example, doing things around the house. I have a couple of very small things that's not big enough for a handy man but difficult for me to do since I don't have the strength or the skill with power tools. For example, such as changing hinges on a couple of kitchen cabinet doors or attaching a hanging rods for my towels. I tried but didnt know how to use a power drill. The hanging rod, I had to wait for a handy man to come over for another project and did it. The cabinet doors, I've been asking for months and still didn't do it, or a leak in my faucet, or some minor issues with the sprinklers or just help re-arrange the furniture which I can't do by myself. When I told him about not knowing how to use the drill, he interrupted me with a joke on how I was not good with screwing. I was irritated. It would be more endearing to have someone at least listen to your problem and as a man, be willing to help, not interrupted with a joke no matter how funny or clever.

I haven't felt sexual attraction to him for a long time. I thought it was b/c I'm not interested in intimacy but it's not true. I have the desire but not with him. For me to be attracted to a man, I need to admire him and feel he's helping me in some way. I don't admire him. I don't feel taken care of.  He is bothered by the lack of passion from me and I told him part of the reason - the part about not helping me - he got defensive and said maybe I should find a contractor for a bf. Really, I don't expect contractor level work. I have a gay friend whose bf is a really handy guy (he's a cop full time) who's done a few highly skilled things at my house - just because he happened to be visiting and b/c liked tinkering with things started finding things to do. But b/c it's free and he's not even my friend, I don't ask.  Even my brother who is not a really handy guy can do some small things around the house. I really don't expect that level of skill.  I'd rather pay a professional  for that. I'm not that cheap.

Despite that unpleasant talk, he agrees to be more helpful now and will tackle the tasks this coming weekend.

Our R/S at this time is mere companionship, going out to eat, going to shows, outdoors activities.

At the same time, I still talk to Belgian guy. We don't talk that often maybe once or twice a month. He's sort of a teacher to me from a professional aspect. That is a big plus and the main reason I was so attracted to him (physically as well even though he was much older). However, this person is not a nice person, too far, and too old. I'm not bringing him up to show he's a good partner, just to make the point that a man has to have something I admire, or care for me in some way.

I've been praying for guidance. My bf is a nice person with good character overall. If I'm ever in need, I know he would be ther b/c that's how he is, with everybody, not just with me. He is funny at times and does make me laugh. He's a good companion for activities but I just don't have that warm and glow when I think about him. I don't know. Do all women need to feel cared for to be in love? can he be the right person?






iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 03-04-2013 - 10:40am

Watching someone play a video game would drive me nuts too.  Luckily my kids were never that into video games.  occasionally I'd play a racing type of game like Mario Brothers w/ my son but they made me kind of dizzy and I wasn't very good at it--but I don't think I could even date an adult man who wanted to play video games!  To me, that kind of stuff is for kids, unless maybe you're playing Wii where they have fitness type games.  And my ex used to want to watch things like the Western channel--24 hrs of westerns.  Maybe once in a while one of those movies was good, but a think that was kind of funny -- I don't know why, whether it was the medication he was on for his bipolar disorder or for some other reason, but he did not have good short term memory.  the Bourne Identity was one of his favorite movies--because he'd watch it over & over and never remember what happened.  He actually wouldn't remember that he had watched it before and everybody in the family would be like "you're watching that again?"

But after going off on this long digression here, my actual point is that you either have to accept each other for who you are RIGHT NOW without changing or break up and find someone more compatible.  I didn't break up w/ my ex cause he watched the same movie over & over or because he liked westerns and I didn't.  I broke up w him because due to his mental illness, he was emotionally abusive.  the other stuff I could put up with.  So either you have a discussion where you compromise and tell him that you'll watch TV with him if you take turns picking the program but you think it's boring to watch him play video games--either you learn to play one of the games (and hopefully he can find one that's not about killing people) or he has to accept that you will sit in the room with him & read (if you can concentrate) or do something else.  When I was first married (to 1st DH) and we lived in a small apt. and had only one TV and no other room except the bedroom, I could do things like needlework while he was watching TV so we could be in the same room.

the same for displays of affection.  I wouldn't be comfortable with making out in public, but would it kill you to hold his hand knowing that it's important to him?  Or if you don't like to show affection so much in public, then in private, do you hug him and kiss him enough to make up for it?  If you look at the Mismatched Libidos board, obviously some people like to have sex a lot and some people not that often--you can't say that either one is right or wrong--just different, but when the mismatched people end up together, either they have to come to some sort of compromise where neither one is getting exactly what they want, but they can live with it--otherwise, they should just break up if neither one can compromise--better off to just find someone they are compatible with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2014
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 10:56pm

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