how do you know if someone is right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2003
how do you know if someone is right?
2
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 11:15am
Hi... I know that there really isn't a real answer to my question but I'm curious to hear people's thoughts, I've been posting on the breakup boards but was curious to get some other perspectives... how do you really know if someone is right for you or if something will work out and is worth pursuing? Ok, I know there's no real way for anyone to know that, but what about the signs when something isn't right or when something isn't meant to be pursued... I'm starting to date again just a little and although nothing's serious and I know I'm not ready to be serious with anyone for a long time, I still wonder... I was so convinced that my ex was the one, everything was (seemed?) perfect right up until the day he out of the blue said that he didn't feel the same anymore and wanted to break up, we got along wonderfully and talked about the future and never ever had any problems or arguments, spent a lot of time together but still made time for ourselves- anyways, it all around seemed like a healthy, well-balanced, loving, caring relationship... so I'm afraid that maybe there are signs when something's wrong that I just seem to miss and that this is going to keep happening to me- that I'll find someone who seems great and fall in love and that it will just end again all of a sudden and maybe there was something that I should have seen but just didn't. What do you think are the most important things to look for or consider when considering starting a new relationship? My ex always thought that the most important thing was to have lots of common interests and activities (which maybe we didn't have enough of so he got bored of me? I don't know...) but I always thought that it was just as important if not more so to share similar values and that if you love eachother that that should be enough to make it work...

anyways, just curious mostly cause I've been talking to this guy and he seems really great- he's cute and smart and nice and funny and works hard, etc., he seems like a good honest guy and we have a lot of fun together... and while I know that I'm still not over my ex and should concentrate much more on myself before I get into another relationship, I kinda don't want to let this guy get away because it seems like it could be a really good thing once it started... but then again, I felt that way about my ex for a year and a half and then poof! it was over. I know that I should just take things very slow and not get my expectations up and not worry about or analyze every little thing, but it's hard to do when you're scared of getting hurt again and ultimately just want to find someone who loves and is committed to you just as much as you are to them...someone who could actually stick around forever (is that too crazy a thing to hope for? I'm starting to think that it doesn't actually ever happen)...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 1:11pm
"I kinda don't want to let this guy get away because it seems like it could be a really good thing once it started..."

Just b/c he *seems* like he's so nice, doesn't make it so. You're probably still "treading water" post-breakup, and it's easy to "read" things into men that are likely not there at all. You need to give yourself adequate time to heal from the wounds your XBF has inflicted, else you won't be recovered enough to have your next Big Deal.

Remember that the break-up is probably not your fault--I mean, REALLY not your fault. Based on the posts I read here, and the experiences of friends and coworkers, I've come to see where men these days may be so spoiled by sheer #s available to them, that they take good women for granted. If "(you) was so convinced that my ex was the one, everything was (seemed?) perfect right up until the day he out of the blue said that he didn't feel the same anymore and wanted to break up," it could be that "business is so good" for XBF that he felt he wanted to stay in business. And if he feels that way, then why do you want him?

Myself, I prefer not to "get lost in traffic," and if a man is that busy, then he can stay busy elsewhere and not take up my time. I know what I want--a man to love and be true to who'll do so in kind--so that's what I look for. A man who's that "busy" is a man I've no time for, nor has he for me.

Above all, I think you shouldn't blame yourself. True, things didn't work out, but that may be b/c of the times; as I said, I think men these days are so spoiled they don't know a good thing when it bites them. Comfort yourself that you did "all the right things" and if XBF didn't appreciate you and your efforts, then he did you a bigger favor by leaving you to find someone else who WILL appreciate your affections.

Ash

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 1:55pm
I think someone is right when there are all the ingredients you said AND at least for me, there is talk of a formal commitment - engagement - leading to marriage in the near future - by the 6 month mark - at this point I would not date someone more than a year without being engaged with a firm wedding date. I am 37.

Signs? Look, it's always a risk - you think things are perfect and he doesn't and sometimes - there are no signs. The only way I would know is if I asked about status - where we're headed - at the 4-6 month mark and whatever the answer was would tell me.