How do you stay off the emotional roller coaster?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
How do you stay off the emotional roller coaster?
22
Thu, 03-28-2013 - 11:09am

So I had my exciting date on Sat., I was on cloud 9 & smiling idiotically for a couple days after--and now I am back to anxiety and uncertainty.  OMG, I haven't dated anyone I liked in so long I forgot what it is like.  Since all the dates I've had since my divorce were guys I didn't really like, I guess the last time I felt this way was when I met my ex in 2000, so that is a long time.  Now objectively I know it's ridiculous to feel this way--it hasn't even been a week & the guy doesn't seem like he is the type who communicates just to chat.  For our first date, he emailed me 3 wks ahead to see if I wanted to go, then I heard nothing for 2 weeks after that so I wasn't even sure he was going to follow through--one wk before, he emailed me again to remind me and then we had more discussion in the couple of days before we actually went.  since this weekend is Easter, I never really expected a date--so how do I get myself to snap out of this mood?  It's almost like having PMS, except I know it's not.  I mean I look at the facts and what I would tell a friend in the same situation.  He sure seemed like he was having a good time, he mentioned seeing me in the future like it was a definite thing (of course we all know that is no guarantee--the typical "I'll call you" and then you never hear from the guy again) and when I emailed him on the day after, he emailed me right back and seemed enthusiastic. 

We belong to the same meetup group for single parents and we were looking at the calendar of future events together.  There is a dance at the end of April that he said he would go to (I had signed up a long time ago) but he hasn't signed up yet, but he signed up for a dinner for next week (that I cant' go to)--but then again, the dinner is a limited no. of people so you have to sign up right away to guarantee your place, while a lot of people could go to the dance.  But I guess I'm a little put off that he didn't ask if I was going to the dinner, yet of course since we're in the same group, he knows these events are visible to me too--yet I'd feel like a stalker signing up right after he did.

Aggh!  Maybe not dating is just easier.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

I know how you feel and if I had the answer to that I wouldnt be writing here on Ivillage...(lol)

You know I dont know how people have affairs and get involved in all sorts of crazy relationships because its challenging as it is finding a regular type person and emotions are all over the place....

what you are experiencing is probably normal and thank Goodness you are normal (lol).. because you just restarted your groove Stella and the endorphins have kicked in but yes its playing havoc on your common sense.. It seems that love and heart and common sense are always fighting with each other and we women have it worse than m en.. Meanwhile he is just most likely going about his business and not even thinking about any of it or that is what I have read men do (men help here)....Reasons why men and women are wired so differently..

I would also think that because you have been alone so long and the date went well you are anxious and want to get another date.. Also makes sense but yes its frustrating and wanting something straight away and to keep on going is humanly frustrating to say the least..

All you can do is pray and meditate and get yourself to a calmer state of being and try and develop that no attachment to the outcome.. Yes; easier said than done but you have to do it because this will play havoc on your psyche and that is painful....

So pray and let the Universe handle it and although hope and pray for the best know that the expectations are always greater than what we really want.. Unfortunatley its the reason why gurus and the like say to date different people but at our ages we get one bite and we are off with it because lets face it its hard to find one date let alone  other dates..So keep busy and get on with life as they say and as the days go by it will get better..... and the endorphins will start to level out...and your senses might come back or hope they do...(lol)

Just my stupid two cents!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Thanks, your 2 cents are helpful.  I was looking at the Men are from Mars, women are from Venus book last night, which I had at home & forgot about--I think I will specifically look for the one about dating, since that seems to be more for people who are in relationships, but it does mention about how men need space and it's so bad for women to chase them because they have to go apart for a bit to realize that they actually miss the woman & want to come back so if the woman is always chasing they don't have the space to miss her & it actually has the opposite effect.  I mean I know the guy is busy with work--sometimes he gives seminars to people at night and he's probably busier than I am since I obviously have time to fool around on the internet at work.  If I was in court doing a trial all day, then I wouldn't have time to think of this stuff, but it's been kind of slow here.

But you are right--it's like I waited 4 yrs for a decent date and haven't had sex or even a good making out session so I don't want that to be the end of it.  I think if there was a socially acceptable way to get our physical needs met, maybe we wouldn't go so crazy but I'm not about to have sex with a stranger and I don't know anyone to be a possible FWB, so that's out of the question.  And yes I know there is nothing I can do about the outcome.  I was very good about waiting the 3 weeks before our date--I wasn't thinking about it much and I even talked to another guy on the phone and met him (in a group) so I just want to get back to that state of calmness and whatever will be will be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

I also think Steve Harvey's book is right on about this stuff.. which I have and read a few times.. but not sure it does pertain to the older crowd.. I mean Steve says if the guy is into you he will call and make another date and if he is not into you then he wont.. Pretty common sense.. He also says to wait five weeks to have sex with a man because he says that if the guy waits its a good sign but again does this pertain to us older folks..?? 

I would also think though its good to drop subtle hints like you are doing so that is good. Hopefully he will pick up on it..

maybe we are talking about two different things. A date is just that; a date but a relationship is a two way street...

Why does it always have to be a game... of sorts.. if I like someone why cant I say okay I like you and lets date .. Do you like me?? Yes or no and then go from there..

The fact though that he gave you his phone number might mean he wants you to call him and say hi..

Again th ough men are hunters so who knows??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I know -- it would just be so easy if we could be direct about what we want but I think most people don't do it because it puts us in a very vulnerable position.  who wants to go say to someone "I like you" and maybe the other person won't respond.  Or I know if I am on a date with a guy & I know I don't want to see him again, I generally wouldn't come right out & say that unless he was acting like a super jerk but I wouldn't encourage him to think we would meet again by saying "maybe we can go here & there."  Like I said, I was at another guy's house a couple of weeks ago for a pot luck & I know he was kind of interested in me--as we were all leaving, he asked me if I wanted to stay & take a walk since he lives right on the beach.  Now I didn't want to be rude to him since he was a nice guy & we might be friends & I might want to go to that group again, but I said "well I have to go home cause my DD came home last night as a surprise" which was exactly true, except that I knew she wasn't home waiting for me at that time.  If I had liked that guy, I would have added something like "I hope to come over another time when it's warmer" or something encouraging. 

I have his phone no. because when we were originally going to meet up, I thought it was going to be at a place w/ a lot of people and maybe I wouldn't be able to find him, so I asked him to give me his number, but then he gave me his business card w/ all his info.

Oh and to add to my depression, the dinner that I can't go to next week that he is going to--well his exGF (who I know) is going.  I don't know how long ago they broke up, but I do know (from something she said to me) that he has had another GF in between.  But I know they are still friends--he told me he called her to ask her some info pertaining to the place we were going, but I don't know if he told her that he was going with me--the plot thickens.  Well I am trying to make plans to go out tomorrow night just to get my mind on something else.  If nothing else, I'll go out & have a drink w/ my girlfriends.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006

Well, I know it's hard when you get a little taste of this thing you've wanted for so long. And, I don't think there's any way around all the angst in the beginning. Obviously, if the angst is out of control, then that's not good. But a little is to be expected. Maybe it could even be enjoyed a little?

Yep, you're really analyzing this, counting the days, reading the signals like tea leaves in the bottom of a cup. I would do the same thing. Sometimes it helps me--just a little anyway--to know that it is already decided. I don't believe in fate, so that may sound weird for me to say. But in a strange way, it is already decided--even if neither of you know it yet. Perhaps I'm not making sense. I suppose it's more like "the river flows" (who was the philosopher who said that?) You can try to speed up the river, or slow it down, but it won't do any good.

Yes, I think you should make plans for Friday night. Be unavailable if he calls. There's always Saturday night. Definitely let him call you. 

And not to rain on your parade, but you really don't know him yet. YOU may not like HIM after a few dates. I hope that doesn't happen. And if it doesn't work out, I hope you at least have some fun dates. And he may be just as nervous as you are, and doesn't want to blow it or to come on too strong.

Standing by for an update.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

As far as fate, even though I'm not overly religious, I do think that God has some sort of plan.  Do I think that for some reason my ex & I were sent to be at a meeting of Parents without Partners on the same night, even though I was actually there to meet another guy I had been talking with on OLD?  You could say it's fate or just coincidence, you never know.  But I was also thinking about this ex--since this is the last "relationship" I had.  When I first met ex, I was not interested in him so it took him 2 mos. of effort to even get a date so I had no doubt about his interest--he came on very strong, really almost too strong now that I look back and oh yeah, he was bipolar--so must have been in his manic phase then because he was on good behavior.  From the moment we started dating, it was daily long emails or phone calls, etc.--I could not handle that now because it would be too opressive, so I have to remind myself that normal people don't act like that either.

Oh and I just got a call about a job interview, so that will give me something else to obssess over.  lol

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999

Music, not dating is not easier.  Well, I don't know if easy or not easy are the correct words to use.  You are living.  Do you know what I mean?  People like me, we're basically hiding . . . Somewhat comatose.  I'm sure you aren't being completely literal but I still think the point applies.  I don't know you, but I am proud of you!  

I was talking to a single, divorced friend today about weekend plans.  That girl had her entire weekend planned out, down to almost the minute.  She is very much like yourself in that, she is very active.  I said:  "Gosh, you stay so busy".  She apologetically said that she does it on purpose so she won't feel lonely.  I immediately thought of the board, and how many times you guys have encouraged single gals to plan out their weekends.  I then assured her that she did not need to be making excuses to me for any reason.  She thought I was judging her for it, when actually, it makes complete sense(though, I don't know if I will ever be THAT sociable, ha-ha).

You're a grown woman, and don't need my reassurances but just know that I get it.  I know the roller coaster that you reference, and sometimes it can suck but as everyone here knows, sometimes it can be a hell of a lot of fun, too.  I think the important thing to remember is, at least you are on it ;)

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Fri, 03-29-2013 - 4:16am

Guys, excuse my over enthusiasm.  I am averaging four hours of sleep per night and I think it's screwing with me.  I have to share a story with you, Free:  I have a beautiful friend in her early 30's.  She held out on a guy she was casually dating for like 3 months.  Without getting into inappropriate details, let's just say, there is no way she is boring in bed.  I've known her for ages and she is way too sensual of a woman for that to be the case.  He stopped calling her the day after she finally gave in to his advances.  It's a little bit of an anomaly, because she haphazardly found out, days later, that he is married.  I'm sure that was a factor in his disappearing act but still . . . I was rather shocked, and I'm not easily shockable, LOL.  (Sorry, Music, not trying to hijack ur thread, girl)

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Fri, 03-29-2013 - 4:29am

Music, I don't know how you were raised, but it was engrained in me that girls do not call or chase boys - EVER.  This has evolved into my being a seemingly stand-offish girlfriend, where it pertains to men.  Trust me when I say, it's all about balance.  Sitting back and playing "aloof girl" does not work with every guy.  It may work with overly confident men with huge ego's but who wants to attract that in the first place?  I try to encourage all of my girlfriends to be themselves, and if they want to ring a guy up, then go for it.  If it scares him away, he probably isn't worth their time or consideration.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Fri, 03-29-2013 - 4:56am

Ladies, please forgive me.  I should have replied to all of these in one post but I have the attention span of a gnat and am too lazy to take notes.  FG, you are so smart.  Did you take philosophy in school or did you happen upon it or, do you simply know these things because you are an avid reader?  I Googled it.  Is the quote:  "How could drops of water know themselves to be a river?  Yet the river flows on."?  If so, the philosopher is Antoine de Saint-Exupery(I think).  Whether this is the correct one or not, I can't stop reading all of his quotes, LOL.  

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