How do you stay off the emotional roller coaster?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
How do you stay off the emotional roller coaster?
22
Thu, 03-28-2013 - 11:09am

So I had my exciting date on Sat., I was on cloud 9 & smiling idiotically for a couple days after--and now I am back to anxiety and uncertainty.  OMG, I haven't dated anyone I liked in so long I forgot what it is like.  Since all the dates I've had since my divorce were guys I didn't really like, I guess the last time I felt this way was when I met my ex in 2000, so that is a long time.  Now objectively I know it's ridiculous to feel this way--it hasn't even been a week & the guy doesn't seem like he is the type who communicates just to chat.  For our first date, he emailed me 3 wks ahead to see if I wanted to go, then I heard nothing for 2 weeks after that so I wasn't even sure he was going to follow through--one wk before, he emailed me again to remind me and then we had more discussion in the couple of days before we actually went.  since this weekend is Easter, I never really expected a date--so how do I get myself to snap out of this mood?  It's almost like having PMS, except I know it's not.  I mean I look at the facts and what I would tell a friend in the same situation.  He sure seemed like he was having a good time, he mentioned seeing me in the future like it was a definite thing (of course we all know that is no guarantee--the typical "I'll call you" and then you never hear from the guy again) and when I emailed him on the day after, he emailed me right back and seemed enthusiastic. 

We belong to the same meetup group for single parents and we were looking at the calendar of future events together.  There is a dance at the end of April that he said he would go to (I had signed up a long time ago) but he hasn't signed up yet, but he signed up for a dinner for next week (that I cant' go to)--but then again, the dinner is a limited no. of people so you have to sign up right away to guarantee your place, while a lot of people could go to the dance.  But I guess I'm a little put off that he didn't ask if I was going to the dinner, yet of course since we're in the same group, he knows these events are visible to me too--yet I'd feel like a stalker signing up right after he did.

Aggh!  Maybe not dating is just easier.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006

@cfk: Why are you only sleeping 4 hours a night? If it's insomnia, I feel your pain. Last week I finally consulted with a sleep specialist to cure my early morning awakenings. I'm working on it.

Well, I did take one philosphy course in college, but I've mostly just read a lot of books, not to mention psychotherapy off and on through the years. So I've read a lot in the psychotherpy-philosophy-memoir-how to-poetic realm. Since I love talking about this stuff, I don't always have someone to discuss it with--so I read. It's like talking to a friend!

I love the Saint-Exupery quote (and love all of his quotes), but that's not actually the one. I did my own research and I was thinking of the quote by Gestalt therapist Fritz Perlz, "Don't push the river--it flows by itself." A long time ago, a therapist said this to me and it made a huge impression (not that I've always let the river flow!). Another wonderful poet is Rainer Maria Rilke (a man) born in Austria 1875. His quotes make me want to weep they are so beautiful.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Fri, 03-29-2013 - 8:50am

FG, I'm taking a course.  It's been 20 years.  My body has become accustomed to staying up late, studying, then getting up early, to study, then off to class.  I came home yesterday, did homework, ate and crashed by 8 something.  I woke at 2 AM and could not go back to sleep ;)  Luckily, we are out today.  I hope to get a good 8-9 hours straight in before Monday or I fear I'll pay for it.

Thanks for the reccomendations, I will definitely be checking them out ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

Ha CFK

I like when you say the emotional roller coaster and alteast Music is on it.. Now that is good girl...

I feel most of the time that life is this journey no matter how cliche that is and we meet people for a reason holds true here.. I do know that if a guy asks me out I better go because at my age and the competition that is out there I better make every second count now.. So when I get a message from OLD I get rather excited and thi nk wow he seems okay and I will go atleast to have a good time. Like my date on Sunday I kept saying to myself its just a meet up and just have fun and when I went with that attitude it was fine.. It was like just meeting up with a good friend. Mr. Guy was very down to earth so it helped.. We went at first into this coffeee shop to get some tea so I just followed along and when he got tea I got the same thing.. and then we just started walking in the park and discussing the park and summer and things in general terms and it just felt very nice.. I was staying in the same exact moment and the conversation just flowed. At some point we sat on a bench and he showed me pictures of condos in Florida he was looking at and so we talked about that..

At one point I felt comfortable enough to lay my head on his shoulder and he didnt mind so we continued talking and wow did that feel good and safe but I kept thinking its just a date but then your mind wanders to wow I could get used to this.. but yes it is nice to be in tha game or on that rollercoaster when the opportunity is there.. I love that ...

Plus when someone gives us attention it does feel rather nice and to have someone open doors and give hugs and all which is human nature one cant help but to want that in their lives.. So on this journey of life paying attention and getting the best of whatever comes our way and enjoying every moment of it is priceless. I remember at one point laying  my head on Mr.Guy;s shoulder while we were sitting in the park and I was like wow I could get used to this and I was loving every minute of it..

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Thanks for the compliment.  Yes I believe that if you do want a relationship you do have to take some risk.  I had this friend who said that she didn't want to date but she wanted to get married--I asked her how that could possibly happen because of course you have to get to know someone before you get married.  then I have a friend who has been divorced for years and I pointed out to her that the reason we never met men was because normally we get together for lunch & shopping which isn't exactly conducive to meeting men.  We have to go somewhere that men are. I've invited her out but she hasn't gone--she says she will go when it's warmer.  But then she has excuses like she has to lose 10 lbs. first--meanwhile I'm like a size 14-16 and she's probably a size 4-6.  We all know women who are large sized but still manage to get BFs because they have self confidence and act like men should want them and small women who are down on themselves.  So what was my point?  I forgot.  I really don't mind being alone sometimes.  Like during the week after work, I would rather stay home.  I also like to do solitary things like read, play the piano, do needlework, so I can entertain myself.  there are some people who need to be active or with people all the time cause they just can't stand being alone.  I think I like going out so much now because for many years, I did make my schedule revolve around my kids.  I would only go out when my kids were with their father.  But now that my son is 17 1/2 and can drive and do what he wants, it's so freeing that I don't have to check his schedule before I make plans--and he is very encouraging about me going out.  I mean what 17 yr old boy wants his mom around all the time anyway?  He has his own stuff to do.  so I have probably been going out more than usual this year.  I just don't like it when the whole weekend goes by & I haven't done anything.  It doesn't have to be something with men--I can be just as happy if I go out with the girls.  And yes, I made plans to go out tonight. lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Yes I am more balanced today.  I do think that if a man likes you it won't make that big a difference if you call him or not unless you go to crazy extremes, like constant texting (I have a divorce client whose STBX had to get a court order against her cause she texted him 100's of times in a day).  You have to show a balance between being interested & encouraging and not being a crazy stalker clingy kind of woman who doesn't have a life.  I also think it's important to actually have a life because I know that when I was married to 2nd DH it's not like I gave up my friends but he always came first & I'd try to fit in my friends, then when we got divorced, there was a big space in my life to fill.  Now if a relationsip doesn't work out, I'd still want to have other things to do.  So right now I'm thinking that I'll text the guy on Easter to say Happy Easter, hope you're having a good time with the family, stuff like that.  It reminds him that I'm around but doesn't seem stalkerish.  Otherwise, I'm not just going to text him to say hi for no reason cause I wouldn't know what to say.  But I can't see a man thinking that I was going to ask her out again, but now she texted me happy Easter, so now I won't cause it's too forward.  lol  then he'd be a nut case too and I already had one of those.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

You know Free, I remember a woman on another board used to say that we can take care of all our own needs except physical affection, which is so true--we can earn money and be independent and all that.  And I'm not even talking about sex although that would be good, but one reason I like ballroom dancing is that you are touching men even though for most dances you aren't even dancing that close, but it's nice to have that human connection with someone.  But when I was out dancing with the guy on Sat. night, most of the dances were swing, which isn't a close dance, but we did do a couple of slow ones where he was holding me very close, not in a raunchy way but affectionate and I so missed that--it felt very nice & exciting too.  And when we first met at the mall, he gave me a nice hug & kiss on the cheek.  So maybe one reason why I got all over myself was that I so missed having some kind of physical affection from someone.  As a friend of mine put it, I've been in the desert and finally saw an oasis.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 03-31-2013 - 6:14pm

  The human condition is so amusing.  The GF of last summer talked about sex around sex but since 99% of my friends are women ( women talk more about sex than men and are far more graphic)it never occurred to me that she was interested in sex with me!  She finally made it physically obvious.  She just could have been direct and not tried to give hints(men do not do hints).

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Mon, 04-01-2013 - 9:35am

Did you text the guy a happy Easter yesterday, Music?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Yes I did--I knew he would responde since he is polite & wouldn't just ignore me, but I figured I could tell what was going on if he just said something basic (which he did) or whether he said something about getting together again.  Well after I did that I was looking on the meetup boards.  We are in a single parents group but he's also in another group for singles who like to dance & I'm not sure if he knows I'm also a member of that group--I saw on the message boards that he had gone to a dance Sat. night and he actually posted a message to a woman saying "It was fun dancing with you.  Can we go out for coffee soon?"  Ugh!
 Now I recognize that we only had one date and both of us have the right to date other people--I can't be angry at him for doing that.  I was kind of disappointed because he said all these things about getting together again--I didn't make any of these suggestions, it was all him (although I did agree, didn't discourage him).  So now I am not going to contact him again and see what happens.  If he asks me out again, I'll go & I won't mention anything about knowing he is dating others, but I'll keep it in my mind.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 04-01-2013 - 3:25pm

 Hi Music

  it is always some what jarring to know that they are seeing other people.  But that is reality.  It is difficult to find the words to tell someone that they are not the only person one is seeing.

dragowoman