How do you stay positive?

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
How do you stay positive?
14
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 8:20am
I'm trying, I really am, to keep a positive outlook about this whole dating thing. It's just getting harder and harder as time goes on. I have had no real prospects in a long time, and the one I thought had potential is apparently ignoring me. I don't want to become cynical about dating, and I don't want to think I'll be single forever, but it's coming to that point.

How in the world do you stay positive about something when all you ever get is rejection?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 10:22am
These days, it's not hard for me to stay positive now that I'm newly single. I left such a bad marriage that being single has been a tremendous blessing.

I know that "counting your blessings" sounds trite, but it really is true. Also, I think you can become so "burnt out" on dating that you do have to take a break--and when you do, sit back and see those blessings that are in your life B/C you're single and are better able to enjoy and appreciate them.

Since I also incurred a serious fall while awaiting the divorce, right now I'm awaiting surgery on both knees; one is right in the middle of The Holidays, one of the most dreaded times of the year for most singles. But this way, I'll really have something to be thankful for; I'm halfway home to improved health.

Once the second surgery is done, then I'll be home free to start walking again, shed the 30 lbs that's the legacy from the divorce--then look out world, here I come!

How you see the show depends on where you sit.

Ash

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 10:59am
Well, it's going to be impossible to stay "positive" about a situation over which you have no control over the outcome. In short, you can't control whether someone wants you that shares your interests, goals and values.

In that sense, it's impossible to "stay positive and motivated".

Now single...that IS what you are, it is WHERE you are...and it is the only GUARANTEED situation you'll ever be in. No matter where you go, what you do....you're with YOU.

So, get positive about being single.....what I am NOT saying is sit there with the defeated attitude saying "I better get happy about being single becuase that is all I'll ever be (sign, moan, big fat frown, slumped shoulders)".....what I AM saying is a better attitude is "Single is what I am, my destiny and happiness are up to me and aren't determined by a relationship." Thus - you're appropriately in charge of your happiness, success, security and future.....which makes you more "positive" about life and that is what attracts people to you of all sorts, for all sorts of positive feedback, interaction, and results.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 11:57am
Hi there,

I'm new here, and I'm dating someone now but I've been in your situation for long periods in my adult life and I understand how you feel. I don't think I have a great answer, either. Sometimes I have just gone through phases where being single and dating really bother me, and then after I go through that, I feel better. I'm not sure that you can totally avoid the down spots.

I guess the normal advice applies - keep busy with your friends and activities, take a break from dating if you feel you need it, think of all the positives in your life - but I know that when you're feeling down about things, it's hard to do that. I guess I just wanted to say hi and tell you that you're not alone, others feel like this all the time and get through it and feel better. I know you will too. :-)

ginger

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 1:44pm
I am in the same situation at the time. I am trying to stay as positive as i can, but all of my friends are either in relationships or married. And i'm just alone. I have these occasional dates or meet a great guy(so i think)and something always seems to go wrong.

When i have these down moments i try to keep my self busy, with projects or with work. It seems to help me, so i am not thinking about this man or what is wrong with me that i can't seem to find someone that wants to be with me.

shanna

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 8:43pm
Sometimes it's just nice to know someone understands where I'm coming from. I keep very busy- teaching, grad classes, coaching, and working Friday night football games- but there is still more that I want, and nothing- no amount of work or social life- is going to change that. I get frustrated when people just say "be happy with life right now" because I'm not. To me, to be content with the status quo is to be stagnant. I just can't be that way. Until I have achieved ALL of my goals- and that includes being married and having kids- I will not be content.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 3:10pm
I know exactly how you feel too. I haven’t has any prospects in a long time. As if that weren’t bad enough, I have had a series of “teases” along the way. One guy I went out on a date with (whom I really liked) ended up hitting the speed dial on his cell phone, calling my number by accident. Here I thought he was trying to call me, and it was all just a mistake, and it happened 5 times. Another guy from my past recently called me out of the blue, took me out once, then I never heard from him again either. Its very hard not to take these situations personally, and think "Whats wrong with me??". We as singles do that all too often. Whats wrong with me that nobody ever wants me?? The standards placed on us by society and peers can make us feel practically worthless if we haven’t snagged a man, gotten married and had kids by a certain age. I know exactly how you feel. While I am content with all other aspects of my life, I feel like I can’t be truly happy until I have someone to share it with. I just don’t know where you are supposed to meet anyone anymore…....
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anonymous user
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 6:40pm
Shywon - it's good that you know what you want - marriage and kids - and I encourage not to give up. Meanwhile, there's got to be more on that "must do" list of yours in addition to those two things. Go at 'em! Especially any things that might be more difficult to do after marriage and kids.

In keeping with the idea that "misery loves company" remember that folks who are married also go through spells when they doubt their choices and imagine "if only..." In other words, no matter how great things are objectively, there are times you still feel incomplete and yearning for something more. Perhaps getting through these blahs of singleness will help you hold tight after you get married and experience a down cycle of marriage blahs... confident that you will feel better eventually and get on with enjoying the good things in your life.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 7:39pm
Yep, that's what I mean. I don't feel pressured by society to be married by a certain time, but I do want to have kids, and given my family history, I only have about 9 more years for that to happen. I may be lucky and be able to have kids past 35, but at this stage, I'm not counting on it.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 7:43pm
I am doing other things, and I do have other goals. I'll have my master's degree by the end of next summer. The raise I'll get will allow me to move to a larger apartment where I can have friends over if I want. It'll also allow me to pay off my college bills faster and save for a house if I decide that's what I eventually want to do. I'll also be able to take the cruise I've always wanted to take- if not by Christmas 2004, by the following summer. See, I am pursuing other goals, and I can obtain them. It's just frustrating because this is the one goal that I am not in control of.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 7:46pm
A relationship isn't a goal...that's the point.

A relationship is an enhancement to an already great life...that isn't necessary becuase you already have a great life.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

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