How Harmless is Flirting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
How Harmless is Flirting?
18
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 2:35pm

So I just got into a huge heated debate on another message board about flirting and I want some more perspective.

The OP was cautioned by a friend to be careful who she flirts with because some people may take it as an interest and get hurt when they find there is none. She's a natural flirt and pretty much flirts with everyone. Most people agreed that as long as both parties knew it was nothing, then it was harmless.

I jumped in and agreed that she should be cautious because if a person didn't know better, they could get hurt thinking she is interested. Well, then someone else jumped in and said 'flirting is flirting. If someone else takes it as something more, that's their problem'. Many agreed with this statement. I was appalled because I think that it is disregarding someone else's feelings.

So then we got into a big bruahaha about if the flirting is misinterpreted, whose fault is it; the receiver or the giver? I contended (and I was basically the only one) that the person who has initiated contact should take more responsibility since they actually acted on something, the receiver merely reacted. They all believe it is the receiver's fault for misunderstanding. Well, it was apparent from most that the flirter can do whatever they want with whomever and however those actions are interpreted is not their fault. They should not modify their behavior for fear of hurting someone.

What really angers me about this is the disregard of others feelings ie. leading someone on and saying 'oh well, not my problem'. Obviously this has personally happened to me so it stings a bit.

Since this group is a bit older, I thought I get your opinions. Please?

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 2:47pm

I think focusing on who's "fault" it is, is misguided. All you can do is control your OWN behavior, you can't control how other people act. So even if it is the other person's "fault", what good does that do you?

The best thing to do to protect yourself is to assume that the person is just flirting and not attach any meaning to the flirtation (as in, "oh he must like me") unless and until the person asks you out.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 3:02pm

I definitely see what you're saying and I wasn't the one who started the blame game. But I was only trying to point out that people who flirt with everyone should be aware that someone might take it as interest.

The sole guy that responded on my side was in a situation where a girl he'd just met flirting pretty overtly over a period of time. He finally mustered up the courage to ask her out, only to get shot down cold, she was never interested. He being the shy, easily intimated type, this really hit him hard and he wondered why would she flirt to begin with. I also believed people flirt with intention, until I learned otherwise (see, cause that is what I do).

I just hate the mentality of only thinking of yourself and not caring how it may affect others.

Then my next question was how to distinguish harmless flirting with interest and we couldn't find a clear divider. Because I know I've been asked my number and had dates set up with these habitual flirters only to find out, there was no real interest there.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 4:00pm

That's a good lesson to learn...that just because YOU do something a particular way or for a particular reason, doesn't mean everyone ELSE does. It's like the thread a day or two ago about how you know if a guy is serious...someone mentioned introducing you to his parents as a sign he's serious. But for some people, that's just what they do...it doesn't mean anything. You can get into trouble assuming that someone else's motivation is the same as yours.

And yes, only time will tell if there's real interest even if a guy asks you out...but if he *doesn't*, that's a pretty good indication that he's *not* ;-).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 5:02pm

Being an on-going flirter, I can honestly say it has gotten me into trouble... with guys who do interpret my fun to mean serious intent. I have learned to carefully pick my targets and if it looks like a guy is responding with more than just fun, I quickly clear the air with a "I'm just teasing." All that to say that I do take responsibility for my choice and am clear on my intent to not mislead.

I would also admit that when I was younger, I didn't know better... so maturity/wisdom comes with age?? Well, hopefully!

I flirt because I love to have a good time and laugh and love to take people with me when I am having a good time. My motto is "I am a good time waiting to happen!" If I seriously want to meet a guy as a potential date, I will set the flirting aside, meet him, get to know him a bit and saving the flirting for when we're having fun together. I hope that makes sense. There is a time for flirting and not flirting.

I guess it also depends on how you define flirting---to me, flirting is joking and fooling around, making everyone feel good about themselves. Showing interest is making eye contact, displaying open to conversation body posture.

Now, I really hope this makes sense... now that I've tried to put it into words, it is more complex than I realized....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 9:49pm

I understand your point, but I have to respectfully disagree. While you may "tone down" your flirting to avoid misunderstanding, it is the person himself that is responsible for his feelings. With that said, I would not say that it is anyone's fault, for it is a misunderstanding, not deception.

I think Withrespect made a good point. If the woman is interested in a guy, she will want to find out something about him.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 10:48pm

In a perfect world, no one would ever say anything they don't mean.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 2:12am

I think we are responsible for our own actions and flirting is an action.
If we "accidentally" cause ( because we were flirting with disaster in a dangerous situation) flirtatous feelings in a midnight stalker- we are to blame, we baited the line and dropped it in.
If we make remarks to a person that is loaded with sexual inuendos and we are stalked as a result- we are to blame. Why? Because we had the choice not to enter into that conversation with someone we didn't know Jack Diddley about.
I believe that if you say something offensive to someone else in the workplace and you know they don't care for that type of talk- we are to blame.
We are ultimately responsible for our own actions and other people DO judge us by our words and our actions.
I think we need to show a little more respect and common decency toward our fellow man, that is the best way to attract a lifetime mate. Show respect and courtesy of their feelings, it gets you farther than a wink and a flash of a thigh.
Now ask yourself- do I really know every person that I am flirting with? Do I trust them to keep it just between us? Am I willing to risk my reputation because of a comment?

I think flirting belongs in a bar or other social gathering place- not in the workplace. As tough as the sexual harrassment laws are, I wouldn't want to risk a comment, or a look, or a gesture being misconstrued and lose my job over it.
Think BEFORE you act!

~Be~ keeping it real

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 9:09am

Ok, not sure if everyone is getting exactly what I'm saying (though some of you are). There is no workplace issue here, just general flirting with someone your're not famaliar with.

I'm just having trouble with (and I understand I could be the minority on this again) how a person can overtly flirt with anothr person and if the reciever takes it as a possible interest, then they should have had better control over their emotions? I personally believe if you take actions and I agree that flirting is an action, that involves another person, then the flirter should consider that it may cause someone to take it as an interest.

But to say I'm going to go out and approach whomever I want and however they percieve it is their problem, to me is just selfish and inconsiderate.

That as my only point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 11:04am

Hey, I'm a guy, and from my perspective (not speaking for all guys here, but I'll bet I'm covering most of us), when a girl flirts, we interpret it as she's interested...interested in us. I consider flirting really engaging in conversation with a guy, not just a "oh, hey, nice to meet you" at a party situation, but really having what can be construed as the prelude to a date.

You find topics you vibe on, you laugh, you talk about personal stuff that'd be more than you might w/ the average person you'd meet in your travels, might even be some casual phys contact (tap on the arm, nudge w/ the elbow, full-out body tackle...KIDDING!!) but ultimately, sending a message that comes across as "I LIKE YOU."

That's how I read "flirting". Now here's a funny twist - now that I'm married and have been for almost 8 yrs, I've become a master flirter. Why? No pressure. I can talk in a manner with women I could never when I was single 'cause I didn't want to torpedo any chances by saying something dumb.

Now I just say dumb stuff all over the place and there's no pressure!...and it works!...I should have known it when I was single!

David
www.BeBetterGuys.com
The Guy's Guide to Getting a Life

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 12:24pm

I understand your point...but you feeling that way isn't going to change others' behavior, right? So, you need to accept that there are people who are going to do this, and take all flirting with a big grain of salt.

Sheri

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