How Harmless is Flirting?
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| Wed, 05-17-2006 - 2:35pm |
So I just got into a huge heated debate on another message board about flirting and I want some more perspective.
The OP was cautioned by a friend to be careful who she flirts with because some people may take it as an interest and get hurt when they find there is none. She's a natural flirt and pretty much flirts with everyone. Most people agreed that as long as both parties knew it was nothing, then it was harmless.
I jumped in and agreed that she should be cautious because if a person didn't know better, they could get hurt thinking she is interested. Well, then someone else jumped in and said 'flirting is flirting. If someone else takes it as something more, that's their problem'. Many agreed with this statement. I was appalled because I think that it is disregarding someone else's feelings.
So then we got into a big bruahaha about if the flirting is misinterpreted, whose fault is it; the receiver or the giver? I contended (and I was basically the only one) that the person who has initiated contact should take more responsibility since they actually acted on something, the receiver merely reacted. They all believe it is the receiver's fault for misunderstanding. Well, it was apparent from most that the flirter can do whatever they want with whomever and however those actions are interpreted is not their fault. They should not modify their behavior for fear of hurting someone.
What really angers me about this is the disregard of others feelings ie. leading someone on and saying 'oh well, not my problem'. Obviously this has personally happened to me so it stings a bit.
Since this group is a bit older, I thought I get your opinions. Please?

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I cannot say that I have been in the position either way, but it should be the responsibilty of the person who initiates the flirting.
Personally, I am not surprised by the poeple who say that flirting is harmless. It means they need extra validation of themselves and do not care about the end results, as long as they got what they needed from of it. I am sure most of these people who feel this way are selfish, have low self worth and do not care how their actions affect others. Those who do care about others' feelings will not lead somebody on, just to make themselves feel better. Maybe it have to do with age and maybe not. But my point is, those who feel good about themselves don't need to lead others on in order to get the attention flirting brings and I feel sorry for them.
As for the rest of us, we just need to be careful about those that flirt with us and take responsibilty for how we REACT to the flirting. If we get pissy and bent out of shape because the person who flirted with us really did not like us, then we need to look at our own reactions and learn from it.
I am in complete agreement you that the fault lies with the initiator of the flirting, when the receiver gets hurt after being, basically, led on. I too, think it is selfish and inconsiderate. It shows a lack of development as well, as more secure people do not need to toy with another's interest to validate their attractiveness, i.e. "could I get this person's interest, do I still 'have it?'" It especially irks me personally, because I am attractive and out and about alone quite often, encountering taken men who have their wives and SO's WITH them, and they still try to get my attention while their SO is right there. Don't know what to tell you about why you got so much disagreement on this issue elsewhere, except maybe the people who disagreed so strongly, maybe they are into this kind of game playing themselves.
I think this huge grey area we're calling flirting is the whole ying and yang of the singles scene. Person A is sending a signal. It could be a signal saying "hey, I think you're cute and would be fun to hang out with for the evening" or it could be saying "hey, I think you are someone I really want to know better." There is no way of knowing without person B investing a little of herself and finding out by asking or following up in some way.
But it can also be the grease which turns the wheel of a lot of day-to-day interactions. It occurs everywhere and between tons of people. And it does occur male/female, female/female and male/male.
It is up to the initiator to flirt in a way appropriate to the situation (work setting, mall, kids' soccer game, party at friend's house, night out at the bar) and it is up to the receiver to interpret (as much as possible) within the context of the setting and ask a direct question to clarify, if needed.
I'm going to use the analogy of ballroom dancing because I see this going on all the time on the dance floor. A dance is just a dance. It is a joyful communication between two people, but that is all. It is a fantasy and role-playing and a flirt and that is all. Unless I am dancing with my SO, there is no long-term commitment. Think of the song "Save the Last Dance For Me". He is sending her out to have a good time, knowing that the last dance and all afterward is his time.
I think we do need to clarify what flirting we're talking about.
I was speaking of overt flirting where there is much more than an innocent smile, but touching, hugging, complimenting that person on how hot or sexy they may be and making innuendos about sex or getting together. The original poster of that thread admitted to being a huge flirt that often makes comments of how cute the guys are, hugs on them and dances suggestively with them. Men often take this as a sure-fire sign that she's interested. Who could blame them?
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