how to i get taken seriously now ??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
how to i get taken seriously now ??
49
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 3:44pm

In this past year, I had a boyfriend...for a month. I am the type of girl that hates to miss out on things, and when I had a boyfriend, I lost friendships with alot of guy friends, said no to fun things I wish I could've done, and what not because i was tied down.

But I'm getting sick of having one-night stands, or sex with a guy I wish I could have more with. I don't have sex with random people, most are my friends or mutal ones. That said, I have had sex with about 10 people.

I am ready to be in a relationship,therefore, I've stopped having "random" sex. One guy "friend" is upset at me for not putting out, because I've had sex with 2 of his friends...months ago. I'm worried I can't be taken seriously.

I don't know what to do to demand the respect I really want not. Has anyone been in my situation? or have advice or something for me?




Edited 6/6/2007 3:45 pm ET by summer623

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 3:50pm

1. Find some better "friends"

2. Really set some rules for yourself for when you will and will not get physical with someone (i.e. you've been out on several dates, you're exclusive, etc.- whatever works for you). If you want a relationship, random hookups (sex or not) can get in the way of that.

3. If you really like a guy and think there could be more than sex, wait for the "more" to happen before the sex happens.

Good luck. :)

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 4:19pm

It sounds like you've created a reputation for yourself, and not a good one.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 5:19pm
I don't see anything wrong with casual sex as long as everyone is being careful & honest with one another. However, if it's not fun for you anymore, you find yourself questioning their level of respect for you, vice versa, or find yourself questioning who your friends are and who are just there for one thing, that's when you need to make changes. You're doing the right thing, just be strong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 7:43pm
that's true. and don't get me wrong its not like i am open to the world that i hook up alot. but i think that's what it is, that it's not as fun anymore, because it's summer and i want to spend it with someone. maybe i miss really having someone there. but i'm definitely going to be strong:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 10:20pm

The get new friends comment was a good one.
Any guy who tries to guilt you because you were with anyone else . . . please. Not sure that can find its way into any definition of a friend. That is as low as it gets. I would never treat my friends that way.

Good advice was given to you in all of this. I can’t give you company for the summer, but I am one man who will give you that respect.
Stay strong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 11:23pm
thank you, that was really nice of you:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 4:46am

>I don't know what to do to demand the respect I really want

Respect is EARNED, not produced upon demand.

I don't know how to say this to you without sounding offensive, but do you know what men say to each other about women who sleep around ?




Edited 6/7/2007 5:55 am ET by fruitedplain
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 5:56am

>>>I don't know how to say this to you without sounding offensive, and i really don't mean to, but do you know what men say to each other about women who sleep around ?<<<

Not a lot. This is from a guy. In all seriousness, I have never thought of a girl less for having sex casually, nor have I heard of any guy thinking less of a girl for doing so. From my own experience, guys tend to speak worse about girls who demand too much or wait too long to have sex. We hate "prudes" more than we hate "whores."

I have rarely ever heard a man refer to a woman as a whore or a slut, and when he did, it was just a general insult, nothing to do with her sex life. Women tend to use the word "slut" and "whore" as a weapon against each other than men do towards women. Women are far more freaked out by another women "sleeping around" than men are.

summer623, I guarantee you none of your male friends think less of you or disrespect you for sleeping with them. In all honesty, I wish I had met a girl like you.

I'm sorry things turned sour with one of your male friends, but in all honesty, I can't really blame him, and there really doesn't seem to any justification for some of the other women's vilification of him. Sex is something EXTREMELY important to men. It's one of our basic needs. You not only denied him one of his basic needs, but also sent him the message that you treat certain friends better than others and that he's not attractive. Not only that, but all the effort building a friendship with you ended up for nothing. Can you blame him for being upset? If you weren't going to sleep with him, you shouldn't have made friends with him in the first place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 9:00am

Hi Summer,

I posted a response to another one of your questions as well.

It's true... and despite what SOME men on this board will tell you (men who have never even had a date or have never had sex), men really do think less of girls who "put out."

Respect is not just given... it has to be earned. And if you want respect, you have to prove your self-worth in ways other than sexual. Show your intelligence, your integrity, your human worth. Be able to discuss topics other than sex.

Your "friends" are not friends. They were "friends" because they saw you as just a free lay. They're not your friends. They are only there because they stand to benefit from you in some way, shape or form. Notice how upset they got when they couldn't benefit from you anymore. Get some new friends. You're better than that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 11:31am

Again she said this perfectly. I have a 21 year old daughter who has had to come to terms with these things. So this is a conversation I take to heart. Always a hard conversation for a father to have. It is not so much about sex, it is about character. Sex in absence of respect will always leave you feeling rotten in the end. It is no different than the rich guys who "buy" affection with lavish gifts and vacations . . . if the money goes away, so does the affection because it draws the type of "person" that "uses" you for selfish gain. That is exactly what these men are doing to you. These are not friends, trust me. They are the bottom the barrel, and they are using you.

Take sex out of the equation, and you start to find people who want to be with you because of "who you are".

Stay strong with this . . it will make you a much happier person and vastly improve the quality of person in your life. My respect is easy to offer, the ability to reflect on your life and improve it is a wonderful thing. (-:

I will share much of what has been said on this subject with my own daughter . . . . .

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