how to i get taken seriously now ??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
how to i get taken seriously now ??
49
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 3:44pm

In this past year, I had a boyfriend...for a month. I am the type of girl that hates to miss out on things, and when I had a boyfriend, I lost friendships with alot of guy friends, said no to fun things I wish I could've done, and what not because i was tied down.

But I'm getting sick of having one-night stands, or sex with a guy I wish I could have more with. I don't have sex with random people, most are my friends or mutal ones. That said, I have had sex with about 10 people.

I am ready to be in a relationship,therefore, I've stopped having "random" sex. One guy "friend" is upset at me for not putting out, because I've had sex with 2 of his friends...months ago. I'm worried I can't be taken seriously.

I don't know what to do to demand the respect I really want not. Has anyone been in my situation? or have advice or something for me?




Edited 6/6/2007 3:45 pm ET by summer623
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 12:03pm

Elwood worded it very well. And, yeah, it's hard to be 21 (or however old you are - some people *never* get this, unfortunately) and to not realize that you're worth MORE than just a quick roll in the hay. Many times this is a lesson hard learned from several mistakes made, several ONS that never turn into anything more, many late nights of wondering what's wrong with you and lots and lots of really bad poetry. :)

I guess the point is, if ANYONE's friendship is based on an obligation (you *have* to be thin, you *have* to look a certain way, you *have* to give me money, you *have* to have a car, you *have* to have sex with me...) THAT is not a friend. THAT is someone who is benefiting from you. Man or woman - it is wrong and you are better off without that person.

I have a question to ask directly the OP - how do YOU feel about one night stands? How do YOU feel about a guy telling you he can't be friends with you unless you sleep with him? How does that make you FEEL?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 4:42pm
i'm sure i know. it's actually not well-known because this particular situation pertain to 4 mutual friends, a little circle. but i am sure i know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 4:45pm

>>Not only that, but all the effort building a friendship with you ended up for nothing. Can you blame him for being upset? If you weren't going to sleep with him, you shouldn't have made friends with him in the first place.<<

what? that is the most absurd thing i've ever heard. i have a number of guy friends that are FRIENDS. a friendship isnt REQUIRED to include sex. so what you're saying is now that i'm not having sex with (random) guys, i guess i shouldn't have any friends. this guy in particular shouldn't have expected anything.

you pretty much sound like the "friend"/guy himself. ridiculous.

i have no obligations to anyone, and he shouldn't expect anything. my decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 4:48pm

>>They are only there because they stand to benefit from you in some way, shape or form. Notice how upset they got when they couldn't benefit from you anymore. Get some new friends. You're better than that.<<

you are absolutely right:) i mean this is in the form of a circle of 4 friends. i have hooked up with 2 of them, but the other 2 i have not. One is subtle about wanting to, though i have not, the other, who this discussion is about, is completely obvious and pissed off.

i have a good relationship with the other 2, and have hooked up with them once, months ago. we hang out and do things as friends would, grabbing lunch, etc.

but you are right, i don't need people around that make me feel obligated to them, when I am not at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 4:50pm
i agree with you:) and i have learned very much from the responses as well, which is very refreshing, and I've come to new terms on perspectives of life and respect as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 4:55pm

>>I have a question to ask directly the OP - how do YOU feel about one night stands? How do YOU feel about a guy telling you he can't be friends with you unless you sleep with him? How does that make you FEEL? <<

One night stands (which are always with people i know) leave me feeling this sort of attachment or yearning for closeness...lasting usually for a few days or a week, which is my not so favorite part.

I've never been pressured into anything. This particular guy was just obvious, saying it'd be no strings attached, and i didn't reciprocate one night, and he went on to text me about how the night had been wasted, and all kinds of rude things. Another thing is he is most likely bitter bc i have hooked up with a close friend of his, and his cousin(months ago). I unfortunately am sure I will see him around, but my mind's been made up and I want nothing to do with him.

I am still good friends with others i have slept with. I have slept with some of them once, and nothing more has been asked(like a repeat), I've just come to realization with this guy..

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 5:11pm

>I am still good friends with others i have slept with. I have slept with some of them once, and nothing more has been asked(like a repeat), I've just come to realization with this guy..<

I think you've made a very wise decision. And you got a good idea of the mindset of this guy you're dealing with by reading the posts of some "men" (and that word "men" is only used technically) who have posted about their ideas of being friends with women (that it's pointless unless YOU put out and you exist solely to serve THEM). Some "men" are little spoiled babies who think the world revolves around them. I call these "men" sociopaths and they are best to be avoided at all costs.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 7:52pm

Well . . . I regard manhood a bit differently than most I think. (-: It takes courage to be honest with you emotions, to risk things, and requires some respect be offered if you want it in return. Just call me silly. (-: In the marines . . .we used to have this thing . . .you talk the talk . . .do you walk the walk . .

Yes . . .this is one of the most meaningful strings I have read . . .

And DNFTT LOL This girl is on the right tract . . .don’t let this one get hijacked. As a man I can offer only so much . . .you guys are her real support. I will say to her . . walk this walk, trust these ladies . . .they will help you find the right balance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 5:36am


Back in a college I had a friend who was very skilled at picking up women from bars. Almost every weekend he would bring one home, sometimes even on week nights. He told me he had nothing but contempt for these types, always referring to them as whores or bitches, despite the fact they would go home to have sex with him. And as a rule after sex he would throw them out the same night, politely stating that he had back problems and needed more room in his bed to sleep.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 6:06am

>I heard of any guy thinking less of a girl for doing so....

Really ? Apparently you know very few guys. Like it or not the double standard exists. Girls who sleep around are universally known in guy world as 'sluts', maybe not to their faces but they are. No question. Guys who score are studs. There is nothing new about this. It has been the rule since the ages and not even the feminists could change it, though they tried.

>We hate "prudes" more than we hate "whores."

Speak for yourself.