how to i get taken seriously now ??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
how to i get taken seriously now ??
49
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 3:44pm

In this past year, I had a boyfriend...for a month. I am the type of girl that hates to miss out on things, and when I had a boyfriend, I lost friendships with alot of guy friends, said no to fun things I wish I could've done, and what not because i was tied down.

But I'm getting sick of having one-night stands, or sex with a guy I wish I could have more with. I don't have sex with random people, most are my friends or mutal ones. That said, I have had sex with about 10 people.

I am ready to be in a relationship,therefore, I've stopped having "random" sex. One guy "friend" is upset at me for not putting out, because I've had sex with 2 of his friends...months ago. I'm worried I can't be taken seriously.

I don't know what to do to demand the respect I really want not. Has anyone been in my situation? or have advice or something for me?




Edited 6/6/2007 3:45 pm ET by summer623
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 10:56pm

>>>It's true... and despite what SOME men on this board will tell you (men who have never even had a date or have never had sex), men really do think less of girls who "put out."<<<

That makes no sense. Why would a man think LESS of a woman for satisfying his sexual needs?

If you make a man "work for it" he'll jump through any obstacle you place before him, but that doesn't mean he'll respect you. He'll do it out of necessity, but in most likeliness, he'll do it out of necessity instead of respect, and he'll start to resent you. I have never heard of a man say "Can you believe that sick slut wanted to blow me on the FIRST night?"

On the other hand, I have heard several times from several men, "I've been dating this bitch for 3 months now and she still won't put out," or "She's such a f***ing prude! She still won't let me past first base! It's really pissing me off!"

Trust me, men reserve their worst language for women who make them work too hard and wait too long for sex.




Edited 6/11/2007 12:07 am ET by redonculous
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 10:59pm

>>>what? that is the most absurd thing i've ever heard. i have a number of guy friends that are FRIENDS. a friendship isnt REQUIRED to include sex. so what you're saying is now that i'm not having sex with (random) guys, i guess i shouldn't have any friends. this guy in particular shouldn't have expected anything.

you pretty much sound like the "friend"/guy himself. ridiculous.

i have no obligations to anyone, and he shouldn't expect anything. my decision.<<<

Fine then, but I'm just asking, why do you treat some male friends different from others. He was a friend just like the others, so why didn't he deserve the chance to enjoy your body while others did?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 11:33pm

>>>Really ? Apparently you know very few guys. Like it or not the double standard exists. Girls who sleep around are universally known in guy world as 'sluts', maybe not to their faces but they are. No question. Guys who score are studs. There is nothing new about this. It has been the rule since the ages and not even the feminists could change it, though they tried.<<<

True that a double standard exists, but it's no where near as pervasive as it used to be. It exists for guys who're in their 30s or 40s, but for young guys, teenagers and men in their 20s, guys who grew up in todays highly sexualized culture, that double standard barely exists.

You cannot deny that women use the word "slut" and "whore" far more often and vehemently than guys do. When one group of women sees a girl who likes to sleep freely and casually with men, they feel threatened because they understand that sex is a huge motivation for men to date a girl and build a relationship with her. They are afraid that men will forgo building a relationship with them and just go to that 1 girl to get sex. So what do they do? They gather in circles and go "look at her, she's such a slut." "I can't believe she's slept with that many guys." Am I correct?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 11:41pm

Can I ask the OP an off hand question?

If you don't know my situation exactly, I'm a young guy, about your age. I'm 20, but despite by age, I'm still a virgin. I still haven't had sex, a girlfriend or even many dates my whole life. For the longest time, I thought I wanted a serious relationship with someone really special, but after failing to find her and getting rejected constantly, I've given up on that and realized that I really wouldn't mind just casually hooking up.

I've asked the women on this board what I can do to get a girl into casual sex with me, but a lot of them have said that I can't do anything to "get them into it" and that they just have to be at the point in their life when they're willing to just hook up and enjoy their bodies without anything really serious.

That said, how do I find girls who are like you (BEFORE you decided you don't want casual sex anymore)? How can I find a girl who doesn't mind hooking up without any serious attachment or obligation to date or build a serious relationship involved? What kind of signals did you give off to other guys, and what do I as a guy have to do or say to get someone like you into it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 11:57pm

You sound like a smart guy. But like William F Buckley Jr. said, 'smart' is a loaded word -- it can mean a number of different things, one of them being 'informed'. It's unfair to characterize someone not informed as not smart.

I am going to respond to your post. It will be long winded and brilliant, like they usually are when I write seriously. It HAS to be, 'cause I am one of the most brilliant people I know, or some of the people I know who know. Unfortunately I can't do that right now as I am in the middle of some work. Probably tomorrow or the day after.




Edited 6/11/2007 12:07 am ET by fruitedplain
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 12:04am

The answer will come to you , be patient. Don't tempt me to leave what I am doing and start writing my brilliant response.

>That makes no sense. Why would a man think LESS of a woman for satisfying his sexual needs?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 2:14pm

To OP
I wanted to chime back in . .. . for all the talk going back and forth, sex is not "evil" however it is not always a great idea with friends. In your case I even question the validly of the word friend at least when attached to the one gentleman.

I think the idea is "responsible sex" . .. . like one girl said . . .sometimes you just have to be in the right place in your life for it to be casual, then . . with a friend . . .it is risky business sometimes, some one gets attached, and you lose the friend over it. I guess boy friends / girlfriends are disposable commodities . . it is the nature of the game, . . .but to me the friends who a I am closest to are not disposable at all . . .the are quality people who I trust totally. As many are woman, I have to make judgment calls sometimes. But for the most part these days, once I chose to keep a woman as a friend, it is no sex . . a lot of trust gets build with it off the table because the agenda is gone as well. Not a choice I make lightly. (-:

My "designer" friend, she's kind of hot .. . and I tease her some, always tell her some night I am going to get her drunk and have my way with her . . . she got drugged one night at the hard rock, real messed up . . called me to come get her home. We get there, and I had to take her back for her car the next day anyway . .. so she wanted me to stay with her . .she strips right down to a thong and climbed in right next to me in bed. You know what I did?

What a "friend" would do every time, I held her and made sure she was ok. I took care of my friend.

What would some of these guys you originally spoke of have done?

Sometimes just being with "better people" makes all the difference.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 1:01pm
I would really appreciate it if you (summer623) answered my question on page 25. Like I said, how can I go about meeting a girl like you who's okay into casually hooking up and stuff like that? What signals or vibes did you give off and what did a guy have to do to make it happen?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 1:40pm

I'm sorry, but I still fail to see any correlation between sex and respect. Maybe SOME men disrespect women who sleep around and call them whores and such; men who grew up in the 1950s and think all women should be pregnant and barefoot. But I know for a fact that MOST YOUNG MEN TODAY, guys in their late teens, twenties, early thirties, absolutely DO NOT CARE AT ALL about how many men a woman has slept with.

It's 2007 for f*** sake! Sex does NOT help you gain or lose respect in any way, shape or form! If it takes the use or lack of use of your genitals to gain or lose respect, then there's a whole lot more wrong with you than that you "put out too easily."

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 3:32pm

>>Like I said, how can I go about meeting a girl like you who's okay into casually hooking up and stuff like that? What signals or vibes did you give off and what did a guy have to do to make it happen?<<

I didn't parade around selling myself off to people, and I would hope any girl would be smarter than that. I did not give off signals and vibes. A guy would try to be subtle but was too obvious at times...and if that's what you're looking for, good luck, it's not attractive to look so desparate and needy.