How I thought/wanted my life to turn out
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|Fri, 09-26-2003 - 2:38pm|
When I was a kid, all I wanted when I grew up was to fall in love, get married and have kids. In my early twenties, I lived my life waiting for the right guy to come along. I had a full-time job and went to college part-time. Had several different guys that I had interests in, but never got a date with any of them. At that time, I had a very bad self image and was also about 40 lbs overweight. Honestly, I really thought I was ugly.
Well, I finally decided (at 25) to work part-time and go to school full-time. At the time, I was lucky enough to have great parents who let me live at home and paid no rent. I also began therapy at 25 which I still do, to which I was diagnosed with clinical depression (i am taking care of). So, I graduated at 27 with my Bachelors degree which was one of the best things I ever did. At 28, I moved out for the first time and got a great apartment in an awesome location. It was then when I came into my own, I began to exercise, quit smoking (cold turkey--smoked for 15 years), lost weight (my weight was up and down all my life), and finally realized that I was beautiful. Through all of this time there have been some guys, but none of them ever *stuck* and had my heart broken several times.
Now, I am 32 and feel I am at a crossroads again. It looks like my next adventure will be going for my Master's degree. I am so grateful for everything in my life, I am very lucky. I have a great family, lots of friends, my health, have a good job that enables me to support myself have a nice car and even have some fun. I also have been fortunate enough to have be able to do some travelling the past couple of years.
But when I grow up, I STILL want to get married and have kids. That is what I truely want with all of my soul. I do not believe that I will ever NOT feel this way. But the thing is I have no control on whether that happens for me (besides having a child) and that just makes me so upset.
Believe me I am happy living the single life. The experiences that I have had during my life as a single gal are priceless. But I would give up my single life in a second to find the right guy for me...it is just how I feel. I understand, that it may not be in the cards for me to get married and if so, I will need to accept that. I have been single almost all of my adult life and do not really know what it is like to have a partner to which I can trust, love..etc. anyway. So why do I want it so much!?!?!?! Well, from now on, I plan on not focusing on this part of my life as much and I will continue to work on bettering myself, be a good person, and strive to be happy.
Thanks for listening. Please be gentle, this was difficult for me to express. :-)