How I thought/wanted my life to turn out

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
How I thought/wanted my life to turn out
Fri, 09-26-2003 - 2:38pm
Hi All! I just wanted to write some things out that have been on my mind and get them off of my chest. This is really honest and some of it is hard for me to say.

When I was a kid, all I wanted when I grew up was to fall in love, get married and have kids. In my early twenties, I lived my life waiting for the right guy to come along. I had a full-time job and went to college part-time. Had several different guys that I had interests in, but never got a date with any of them. At that time, I had a very bad self image and was also about 40 lbs overweight. Honestly, I really thought I was ugly.

Well, I finally decided (at 25) to work part-time and go to school full-time. At the time, I was lucky enough to have great parents who let me live at home and paid no rent. I also began therapy at 25 which I still do, to which I was diagnosed with clinical depression (i am taking care of). So, I graduated at 27 with my Bachelors degree which was one of the best things I ever did. At 28, I moved out for the first time and got a great apartment in an awesome location. It was then when I came into my own, I began to exercise, quit smoking (cold turkey--smoked for 15 years), lost weight (my weight was up and down all my life), and finally realized that I was beautiful. Through all of this time there have been some guys, but none of them ever *stuck* and had my heart broken several times.

Now, I am 32 and feel I am at a crossroads again. It looks like my next adventure will be going for my Master's degree. I am so grateful for everything in my life, I am very lucky. I have a great family, lots of friends, my health, have a good job that enables me to support myself have a nice car and even have some fun. I also have been fortunate enough to have be able to do some travelling the past couple of years.

But when I grow up, I STILL want to get married and have kids. That is what I truely want with all of my soul. I do not believe that I will ever NOT feel this way. But the thing is I have no control on whether that happens for me (besides having a child) and that just makes me so upset.

Believe me I am happy living the single life. The experiences that I have had during my life as a single gal are priceless. But I would give up my single life in a second to find the right guy for is just how I feel. I understand, that it may not be in the cards for me to get married and if so, I will need to accept that. I have been single almost all of my adult life and do not really know what it is like to have a partner to which I can trust, love..etc. anyway. So why do I want it so much!?!?!?! Well, from now on, I plan on not focusing on this part of my life as much and I will continue to work on bettering myself, be a good person, and strive to be happy.

Thanks for listening. Please be gentle, this was difficult for me to express. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Fri, 09-26-2003 - 2:47pm
Hi there,

That was heartfelt and I'm sure it was hard to put out there. Good for you. I don't have a lot else to say. I can relate to what you said about wanting to be married and have a family. I am 33 and have always wanted that too, but am still single, no kids. It is frustrating sometimes. But it sounds to me like you're on the right track with focusing on making yourself happy. The happier you are by yourself, the more likely you are to be able to maintain a happy and healthy relationship w/ someone else. It sounds like you're taking care of yourself, and I commend you for that. :-)

Good luck! :-)


Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 09-26-2003 - 10:13pm

I completely understand where you are coming from.