How to let down easy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
How to let down easy?
Sun, 12-22-2013 - 5:06pm

So there is this guy that I used to work with about 15 years ago.  I always had a bit of a crush on him but at the time we were both with other people.  We came across each other first on F.B. and then a OLD site.  He contacted me and asked me out.  He took me out to dinner and he is nice enough but conversation lacked and really not much chemistry. He immediately became a little to possesive, calling and texting constantly, getting mad if I didn't answer or return his call right away and even got mad when I took a vacation day from work!  Still, I decided to give it a chance and he cooked me dinner at his home for our 2nd.  I decided it just wasn't going to work, no conversation at all, no spark, I just think of him as an old friend.  I told him that I really wasn't into dating right now....yada, yada, yada.  The problem is he keeps calling me asking when we can go out again.  We talked today for about 1/2 hour and I told him I was about to lose signal (was driving in country area) and for him to have a nice Christmas figuring that would end our conversation at least for the day.  An hour later he called me again!  Sheesh, we just talked and I have told him about 3 times now that I don't have any interest in dating.  Without being totally rude I don't know how else to get it through to him that I don't have any intentions of going out with him again. Am I being to week in my conviction that I don't want to date or is he being pushy? Any suggestions on how I can get him to back off without being totally rude and hurting his feelings?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sun, 12-22-2013 - 6:29pm


Hi. It sounds like you've told this guy repeatedly you don't want to date further, but he just doesn't want to listen or isn't getting it. There really is no other way now, but to be blunt if he persists. Sometimes in life you have to be cruel to be kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sun, 12-22-2013 - 8:56pm

Basically you lied to him. You are interested in dating, just not him. Whenever I had a date on OLD and it was clear he liked me but I wasn't feeling it, I immediately e-mailed him when I got home and told him it was nice meeting him but I didn't feel the chemistry for a long term relationship and wished him luck. Yes it's hurtful, but honest. I wished guys would've let me know right away after a date in the same way. There were times I thought things went well and then I just never heard from them again. A short message would've kept me from thinking for days that he might be calling for another date. In general, that clear honesty (which avoids talking about their looks or conversation skills, etc) is the best policy. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 12-23-2013 - 10:39am

I think that since this guy doesn't get subtle hints that you have to be straightforward with him.  If you have his email that would probably be the best way to do it.  You can't really say you aren't interested in dating in general if you have an OLD profile up--if he's on the same site, he'll be able to see that you're active.  You have to tell him specifically that you aren't interested in dating him--then you have to stop communicating with him because he seems like a jerk.  Honestly, if someone got mad that I didn't return his call immediately when we had only gone on one date, I would not give him a 2nd chance because I would conclude that he was a control freak--and what did you say to him when he got mad that you took a day off from work?  I would have said that it was not his business.  I think it would really be best to block him so he will be unable to contact you at all and bother you (after you send him the email that you're not interested).

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Tue, 12-24-2013 - 9:16am

I DO have a hard time rejecting people and it is even harder with him since I have known him for so long.  To top it off he called me a THIRD time.  I texted him back and told him I had company and would catch him after the holidays.  I guess I am going to have be more blunt than I already have been.  I definitely get the feeling he is a total control freak and overly jealous of everything and everyone....been there, done that and no way am I doing it again!

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 12-24-2013 - 10:44am

Is it possible that he gets that you don't want to date, but he's lonely and needs a friend?  Maybe what you need to do, if you haven't already is go ahead and get together with him again.  When he makes a move - any type of non friend contact - take the opportunity to make it clear to him that you aren't interested.  If he continues after that, perhaps you could mention that you are seeing someone? 

 I know I've had guys in the past who would not give up and I am a blunt person.  Several of them, I couldn't even be friends with because they didn't respect my boundaries.  I don't have much patience when it comes to that sort of thing.  Either we're friends or we're not - choose one please because I am not romantically interested . . . one guy I remember I actually had to tell him "We will NEVER be more than friends.  Never, ever, ever." 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Wed, 12-25-2013 - 1:49pm

Never Ever Ever, LOL.  I do think that he is lonely.  He is the kind of guy that has always had a girlfriend and men typically don't get along as well on their own as a women does. I also think that he is slightly in disbelief that I couldn't possibly not be interested in him, bit of an ego thing, and you know......the thrill of the chase.   

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 12-27-2013 - 2:38am

Never make the mistake of the thrill of the chase.  Some men do want that which is unattainable,  But more others drop problems.   If you do not want his attention tell him directly. 


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 12-28-2013 - 12:05pm

I have encountered a few men like that, and there is no other way than to be blunt, or rude as you call it.  We all want to be "nice" and not hurt people, but I don't think you can "hurt" someone like can just get them PO'd......and that's too bad.  I agree that a strongly worded email would be the best.........and end it by saying you want no further contact.  If he persists, then block him from everything.  He WILL get over it......and it's not like you still work together!  Any man who would get "mad at you" for ANY reason after one scary.  Just imagine what he'd be like after a few months of dating!  You'd have to report in before you got into the shower, in case he tried to reach you!  After encountering  someone like him, I'd rather be alone!