How long till you fell - a poll

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
How long till you fell - a poll
13
Wed, 04-09-2003 - 9:23am
This is a poll related to my dilemma about my new beau who is perfect for me in every way except I simply am not madly physically attracted to him....

For those of you who've successfully dated (or are still dating) guys who were more into you than you were into them at the beginning, who you didn't find all that physically attractive at first but now give you major butterflies - how long were you dating them before things changed and you became really into them?

I've never had anything like this happen for me, I've always gone for that initial rush. But most of my girlfriends do or have done things the other way, and those always seem to be the most successful relationships (damn human nature! is finding happiness ALL about learning how to subvert your instincts?). I've got a really great guy here who I can talk to for hours, who I feel very close to - but no butterflies.

Anyone have any great "transformation" stories?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thu, 04-10-2003 - 10:48am
You are right about my priorities... while I certainly hope some day to find someone I'd like to be married to, I'm definitely not at that stage yet. I came late to dating (I went on my first ones at 16 and also, incidentally, lost my virginity at that age too out of curiosity not love, but dates were, like, MAYBE a biannual thing till late in college). My low self-esteem in high school and college pretty much got in the way of my accepting dates with anyone who was really into me right from the start. I was only ever interested in capturing the attention of guys who I thought were a little out of my league. The sad thing for me was, I did almost always manage to get their ATTENTION, and their friendship, but dating them, if it even happened at all, was always short-lived. I always used to think it was because they did not consider me pretty enough for them, but in retrospect it also probably had something to do with the fact that I was so awed by their beauty and the fact that they'd actually consented to a date with me, that I was probably acting like a total freak. Going to grad school and suddenly being considered beautiful actually hurt, rather than helped... all that happened was I went on MORE failed dates with the out-of-my-leaguers and rebuffed MORE advances from nice guys who didn't excite me.

I haven't been the same since I finally dated, bedded, and was of course rejected by this guy who I had been in and out of love with, and had been in and out of my life as a friend and prospective lover since I was seventeen. That was four years ago. I am grateful for that experience because finally realizing he was not worth it helped me to realize a lot of guys I've spent a lot of effort on, also have been not worth it. I have been pretty complacent since then, and haven't felt those strong crushes I used to, and get over failed interests pretty quickly (too quickly, I wonder?).

So now I am trying, with workman-like patience, to change the way I date, and WHO I date. But my addiction to that "dazzled" feeling is hard to shake. I love to feel consumed by my attraction to someone, even though most of the relationships I see that "work out" started differently for the woman - they usually followed the same old guy-pursues-ardently-and-girl-finally-relents pattern. Which I resent somewhat....

By no means am I ever bored with my current guy. He is funny, has sparkly blue eyes and dresses stylishly, and I feel like our personalities might be cut from the same cloth. It feels very nice to kiss him... but the observation I've made is that I very rarely spontaneously feel like throwing my arms around him, or offering a kiss myself, though I certainly respond to his advances. I feel like he would make great long-term material because of who he is as a person, and I know that because this situation is lacking the mad passionate attraction which usually clouds my judgment. I always have screwed it up by falling too fast for the gorgeous ones, so I've made a very conscious decision to try to stick it out when the younger me would have bolted a few dates ago. We are going on three weeks, seven dates now... I see him again this Friday night, I'll probably make up my mind then.

Every other date I change my mind. I am not feeling a resounding "yes!" or a definite "no" and that confuses me. But he is a person who is very worth my time and has been so refreshingly forthright about wanting my time, without seeming wimpy (a very neat trick on his part), so I am giving him as much of a chance as I can.

I posted this thread because a few friends of mine have put forth the idea that it might be months before I know I want to be this man's girlfriend, but that it would probably turn out to be fantasstic. Should I, could I, make him wait that long? I think the sole barrier to my attraction to him is one of two things: he's either too accommodating (I guess it's possible), or it's because he's probably about 30-40 lbs. overweight. But his face is very attractive to me.

I'm sure you can tell by my rambling that I am torn!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-10-2003 - 12:26pm
I truly feel for you, I really really do!! I think the issue is the too accomodating part - you don't trust it - it doesn't seem sincere and you worry "can I really be myself - which means, sometimes moody, sometimes accodmodating, sometimes not, sometimes sweet as sugar, sometimes not - with someone who is always nice and accomodating?" I cannot be with a doormat - either as a friend or more - it sickens and nauseates me sometimes and that gets worse as the relationship progresses.

Both guys like that I dated eventually snapped one day - years in - over little things - and I could tell how long and how much they had been repressing in order to be "accomodating."

One of them threw his own watch across the room and broke it I think and one grabbed me by the arm on a terribly rainy night to try to get me into a taxi with him - I didn't and a half hour later received a dozen roses as an apology - seeing that other side was scary. I like it better when the man is confident and assertive and has limits - if I am cranky and take it out on him even a little he lets me know - nicely - he doesn't like it - and it means less repression as well as my freedom also to tell him when he has crossed the line. No I do not want a bad boy and no I do not like to fight - but I do want the kind of directness and honesty that comes only from someone with healthy self esteem . . ..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-10-2003 - 2:53pm
Very.......if I stick to being who I am....I run into people that do what I do.

Where it'd fail is if I went to a bar or something to "try to meet someone." So, I don't do that.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Pages