How long till you fell - a poll

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
How long till you fell - a poll
13
Wed, 04-09-2003 - 9:23am
This is a poll related to my dilemma about my new beau who is perfect for me in every way except I simply am not madly physically attracted to him....

For those of you who've successfully dated (or are still dating) guys who were more into you than you were into them at the beginning, who you didn't find all that physically attractive at first but now give you major butterflies - how long were you dating them before things changed and you became really into them?

I've never had anything like this happen for me, I've always gone for that initial rush. But most of my girlfriends do or have done things the other way, and those always seem to be the most successful relationships (damn human nature! is finding happiness ALL about learning how to subvert your instincts?). I've got a really great guy here who I can talk to for hours, who I feel very close to - but no butterflies.

Anyone have any great "transformation" stories?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-10-2003 - 2:53pm
Very.......if I stick to being who I am....I run into people that do what I do.

Where it'd fail is if I went to a bar or something to "try to meet someone." So, I don't do that.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-10-2003 - 12:26pm
I truly feel for you, I really really do!! I think the issue is the too accomodating part - you don't trust it - it doesn't seem sincere and you worry "can I really be myself - which means, sometimes moody, sometimes accodmodating, sometimes not, sometimes sweet as sugar, sometimes not - with someone who is always nice and accomodating?" I cannot be with a doormat - either as a friend or more - it sickens and nauseates me sometimes and that gets worse as the relationship progresses.

Both guys like that I dated eventually snapped one day - years in - over little things - and I could tell how long and how much they had been repressing in order to be "accomodating."

One of them threw his own watch across the room and broke it I think and one grabbed me by the arm on a terribly rainy night to try to get me into a taxi with him - I didn't and a half hour later received a dozen roses as an apology - seeing that other side was scary. I like it better when the man is confident and assertive and has limits - if I am cranky and take it out on him even a little he lets me know - nicely - he doesn't like it - and it means less repression as well as my freedom also to tell him when he has crossed the line. No I do not want a bad boy and no I do not like to fight - but I do want the kind of directness and honesty that comes only from someone with healthy self esteem . . ..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thu, 04-10-2003 - 10:48am
You are right about my priorities... while I certainly hope some day to find someone I'd like to be married to, I'm definitely not at that stage yet. I came late to dating (I went on my first ones at 16 and also, incidentally, lost my virginity at that age too out of curiosity not love, but dates were, like, MAYBE a biannual thing till late in college). My low self-esteem in high school and college pretty much got in the way of my accepting dates with anyone who was really into me right from the start. I was only ever interested in capturing the attention of guys who I thought were a little out of my league. The sad thing for me was, I did almost always manage to get their ATTENTION, and their friendship, but dating them, if it even happened at all, was always short-lived. I always used to think it was because they did not consider me pretty enough for them, but in retrospect it also probably had something to do with the fact that I was so awed by their beauty and the fact that they'd actually consented to a date with me, that I was probably acting like a total freak. Going to grad school and suddenly being considered beautiful actually hurt, rather than helped... all that happened was I went on MORE failed dates with the out-of-my-leaguers and rebuffed MORE advances from nice guys who didn't excite me.

I haven't been the same since I finally dated, bedded, and was of course rejected by this guy who I had been in and out of love with, and had been in and out of my life as a friend and prospective lover since I was seventeen. That was four years ago. I am grateful for that experience because finally realizing he was not worth it helped me to realize a lot of guys I've spent a lot of effort on, also have been not worth it. I have been pretty complacent since then, and haven't felt those strong crushes I used to, and get over failed interests pretty quickly (too quickly, I wonder?).

So now I am trying, with workman-like patience, to change the way I date, and WHO I date. But my addiction to that "dazzled" feeling is hard to shake. I love to feel consumed by my attraction to someone, even though most of the relationships I see that "work out" started differently for the woman - they usually followed the same old guy-pursues-ardently-and-girl-finally-relents pattern. Which I resent somewhat....

By no means am I ever bored with my current guy. He is funny, has sparkly blue eyes and dresses stylishly, and I feel like our personalities might be cut from the same cloth. It feels very nice to kiss him... but the observation I've made is that I very rarely spontaneously feel like throwing my arms around him, or offering a kiss myself, though I certainly respond to his advances. I feel like he would make great long-term material because of who he is as a person, and I know that because this situation is lacking the mad passionate attraction which usually clouds my judgment. I always have screwed it up by falling too fast for the gorgeous ones, so I've made a very conscious decision to try to stick it out when the younger me would have bolted a few dates ago. We are going on three weeks, seven dates now... I see him again this Friday night, I'll probably make up my mind then.

Every other date I change my mind. I am not feeling a resounding "yes!" or a definite "no" and that confuses me. But he is a person who is very worth my time and has been so refreshingly forthright about wanting my time, without seeming wimpy (a very neat trick on his part), so I am giving him as much of a chance as I can.

I posted this thread because a few friends of mine have put forth the idea that it might be months before I know I want to be this man's girlfriend, but that it would probably turn out to be fantasstic. Should I, could I, make him wait that long? I think the sole barrier to my attraction to him is one of two things: he's either too accommodating (I guess it's possible), or it's because he's probably about 30-40 lbs. overweight. But his face is very attractive to me.

I'm sure you can tell by my rambling that I am torn!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-10-2003 - 9:58am
how successful have you been finding men that fit that bill?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-10-2003 - 9:17am
I think the "successfully dating" is key to your post - you are so focused on the butterflies because you are not really thinking about marriage at this stage - or if you think you are you might want to re-evaluate. I don't think this poll will help you - what I think, IMHO, you should do now is go for only those guys who give you the initial rush - even if you could possibly transform into butterflies later (what an image!) you don't seem to have the long term goals that would justfify the kind of patience that that would require - not a bad thing at all just not where you are in life. I have a friend happily married for 2 years to a man who practically worshipped her for 2 years while they worked together - she felt no butterflies until 2 years after meeting him, 1 year later they were married and they now have a gorgeous baby - when it happened, she got engaged in 50 days - but I think she was ready for marriage - had done all the other types of relationships, etc.

I don't think you're open to falling for this guy because the "pay off" is not worth it to you to wait it out - again not a criticism just a mindset that it is my impression you have. For me - having been burned before at rationalizing to myself that the passion didn't matter - cost thousands in a cancelled wedding - if I don't feel chemistry (butterflies not necessary, but of course great) within the first 6-7 dates (and typically, if I don't feel it within 4, it's also goodbye) then I stop seeing the person - at minimum, within the first 3 dates at the very most I at least have to think that kissing him would be nice - if I can't imagine kissing him, it probably will not work. I did date someone I couldn't imagine kissing - on date 5, we had sparks, however - (we went ice skating, so who knows whether it was the physical activity) and we kissed and it was nice - but on dates 6-8 I found it robotic, mechanical, boring, etc.

Also, I think there is more to it here than physical issues - you might be sensing insecurity on his part or that he is too eager to please which is not sexy to me and might not be sexy to you.

So - yes I have to feel some chemistry early on - but I think for now you should got only for those where you are "wow!!!!" on date one. (wasn't sure I made that distinction clear). Best to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-09-2003 - 11:29pm
No, you misunderstand. I simply want someone to share my "training life" with....they don't have to compete if they're not so inclined. Competition is certainly NOT for everybody. I wasn't into competing and am still more into training as a function, than competing overall really.

He hasn't got to "beat me in a marathon" - I don't care if he runs one at all. But he's got to be someone that shares my active life. I want someone to run the 12-14 miles with in the morning while the sun comes up in the Texas hill country where I live. I want someone that "understands" due to participation on some level paddling canoes and kayaks - because that is what I love to do. My "vacations' are loading my solo boat with goods (not an easy feat in a racing canoe!) and paddling 60 miles the first day and camping at the park, running into town for a good meal, reading a book by the campfire I made, and getting up in the morning and being out the water paddling way and towards the next destination 60 miles downriver by sun up - because the water is so beautiful as the sun is rising on it.

That's all I meant.....he's going to have to be very "active", not necessarily athleticall competitive. But to keep up with me - he is going to have to be very athletic.

And there is the male ego to consider......if you're going to be my "bank bunny" (as the person on the bank who supplies water and ice is normally called" - it's bad enough to be a man with that title. It's worse yet to see your girlfriend being acknowledged as "one of the guys" and being considered as and competed against by the competitors as "one of the men". And it's going to have the potential to be really horrendous to be "the bank bunny for the toughest woman in the world in a solo boat" when the 2 or 3 guys that beat me out of the pack of 20 get ahold of you somewhere in private. Not to mention, it's just not easy for a man to be with a woman who is tougher mentally that he is by pursuing the toughest things in the world solo because she considers it "fun".

In light of all that.....he's going to have to be very secure, he likely will NOT be a paddler because healthy competition is NOT something possible between two people competing for the same title and trophy to return home at night to the same bed as a rule, but to enjoy, appreciate, accept and understand that 4-6 hours of my waking hours, NOT the hours spent at work from 8-5, are spent training or preparing to race....to be in my life...he at least needs to be able to do the morning 12-14 miler where there's no slack and no mercy on the pace....because there's not going to be regrets on the finish line due to compromised training efforts.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-09-2003 - 10:33pm
really? a guy has to be able to beat you in a marathon for them to be doubleblade-worthy??


wow, them's pretty tough standards...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-09-2003 - 6:27pm
Yes, I've done that before, with no problem. My personal philosophy when restructuring my life is "I don't care if I look good, but can I perform" given that statement made by someone else changed my life in 1996.

There is one thing to realize....when I say I want you to run with me - I don't mean 3 miles. I'm talking marathon distance - and that's just a training run. It's not likely that someone who participates at the level I do in ultra-marathon and ultra-endurance extreme events (think eco-challenge and you'll be on target for the type of events) is overweight, at least not by much.

It's not unusual for overweight men and women to pass me at mile 24 in a marathon. I average a 4 hour marathon, that's not "great". It's just average. The thing is, I get on a bike afterwards and cycle 150 miles....that is generally where the partner tends to give out on me.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-09-2003 - 5:19pm
i've met some very energetic guys who looked overweight. what if he could keep up, would you still date an overweight LOOKING guy?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-09-2003 - 3:13pm
I think you have to assess what is physically not appealing specifically and that'll give you a great insight as to why it is unappealing and you'll have some answers.

An overweight guy wouldn't appeal to me....not becuase he's overweight (I've been there and done that for most of my life till the last 6 years)....but because he couldn't participate in my very active and athletic life as a partner. And partnership and a playmate is what is REQUIRE of my new relationship - I went thru 4 marriages being the provider/doormat/scapegoat due to my own dysfunctionality.

So, in my case it's not that being overweight would be the problem...it's what being overweight impacts would be the problem.

The "problem" not not be what you think. Can you be specific about what doesn't "appeal"?

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

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