How to make new friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
How to make new friends
6
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 7:09pm

Hello everyone I'm new to this board! :D Hope you all enjoyed Easter.

I'm single, 22 and in England.

I was wondering if we could share our ideas on the best ways of going about making new friends if we are socially isolated and somewhat damaged?

I've never been good at making new friends or maintaining friendships for a considerable length of time. Part of this is probably due to an incremental thing which is manifested in certain preferences eg that I don't like crowds or noisy places - I know others are different in that they seem to enjoy parties and the like.

I believe that problems in my upbringing need to be addressed in order for my interpersonal skills to improve. My parents were never supportive and gave me inconsistent messages. My mother has always been a very abusive person, she took a delight in physically harming me and would often tell me that I should be put down like an unwanted pet and draw attention to my physical and mental shortcomings. As far as I can fathom my parents have both wanted to just confuse me >>:( I'm getting a little tense writing this...

I was wondering to what extent we all believe that interpersonal problems that relate to personal problems can be overcome. Not liking crowds is not necessarily a bad thing, but having emotional baggage and mental scarring is. I know that in order for my life to continue I have to overcome my recurring problems with manic depression and suicide ideation. Many seem to find the bare fact that I have these problems repugnant. Added to that, even when I have been able to establish common interests with someone I have been unable to maintain a relationship of any kind.

So if we have difficulties to what extent should they be overcome as our first resort. How would you characterise actual personal problems as opposed to mere idiosynchrasies that make socialising a bit difficult?

Thank you for reading,

Michigan J. Frog

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 9:16am

Well, first of all, I wouldn't mention your mental health problems right off the bat - there's no need for people to know about them, generally.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 10:02am

Mainly directed at MichiganJFrog (whose name, BTW, I just love - I want to sing out "Hello my baby, hello my honey..." and dance around with my little cane and top hat...) :) Shows my age.

Anyway, I wanted to respond last night but it was getting too late, regarding making friends when you're damaged/isolated.

I'm both, sort of, and dealing with the same thing, and I *think* the best way of approaching the problem is similar to the prayer I heard. (The alcoholic's prayer? I think - not sure on this.) But basically it says to change the things you can change, accept the things you cannot, and to have the wisdom to know the difference.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 3:51pm

First, I agree with Stacey (countrygurl) that therapy is a great place to start for the bipolar discussion. I have a dear friend who is bipolar, and I know a combination of therapy and medication has done wonders for her. It can be a very delicate balance to strike, because the brain is misfiring a bit - but the right doctor and therapist really can help.

I found this Web site: http://www.bipolarsupport.org. They have a message board there where you can find support as well.

I know my friend doesn't tell anyone except her family and very closest friends that she is bipolar. The reason being that most people don't understand it, so they fear it and treat her differently. There's no reason anyone has to know unless you feel comfortable and safe sharing it with someone.

Beyond that, I think it's good to remember that no person you will ever meet is perfect. We all have our own issues, secrets, fears, etc. So, please don't go into a social situation thinking you are weird or different. You are human, and you will make as good a friend as anyone else. :)

Finally, I hear you about crowds and noisy places. UGH! I hate that, too. :) I tend to seek out places that are more mellow and relaxed. Like minded people will do the same, and that's where you will find new friends and good people.

Hang in there. {{{HUGS}}}.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 1:06am

"Mainly directed at MichiganJFrog (whose name, BTW, I just love - I want to sing out "Hello my baby, hello my honey..." and dance around with my little cane and top hat...) :) Shows my age. "


Me too! I keep visualizing the WB ads.


"...hello my ragtime gal!"

Pooh1972


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 7:35pm

Thank you everyone who replied.

@ emdeesea – I like U.S. 1890s popular music a lot. As a tadpole I would have practiced the sol-fa scale in a tiny little voice after first developing lungs and developed a rich baritone in froghood with a wide ranging repertoire.

I believe that being downtrodden by juvenile ghouls at school and my dreadful parent stunted my developing skills in oratory and possibly being at ease with strangers, although I’ve never been very gregarious. I have a problem with fluctuating mood. Sometimes I feel so low and disgusted that I wish I could just shut myself away completely. I wonder with some apprehension how well I would get along with someone in the long term while seeing a lot of them even if we shared interests. It’s not always easy to predict what might cause me to suddenly feel tense.

I am seeing a psychiatrist on occasion, but he only really prescribes medication – and talks about arranging for me to be evaluated by the psychologist, but it never seems to happen!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 8:11pm
I was just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this: While I was still a postgraduate (I am on interruption) I had a few friends amongst the other graduates and was still in contact with one after interrupting (she also had to interrupt because of ill health, but due to sickle cell anaemia rather than mental illness). However, lately I have been very introverted and haven't contacted anyone in a long time. I was wondering what the best way would be to explain this and how people are likely to interpret long silences.