How to not be in fantasyland?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
How to not be in fantasyland?
6
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 1:44pm

I've had a REALLY crappy dating life since getting divorced 2 years ago. And, lets face it, I had a really crappy dating life before I got married, too. Because I know what I want in a relationship, when I find someone that fits quite a bit of my criteria, I tend to start fantasizing about what a real relationship and life with them would be...you know, the whole white picket fence, living together in perfect harmony, having a big white wedding and 2 kids and 2 dogs fantasy. And I *always* get burned.

Well, I just recently met a man that meets EVERY requirement that I have on My List. EVERY ONE OF THEM. There's never been a guy, EVER, that's met every single requirement. And I'm just floored that he wants to go out with me again, that he seems like he really wants to get to know me and spend time with me.

So naturally, in my head, I'm already planning the wedding! LOL I just can't help it...that's what I DO. That's what I've always done. But it's always been with guys that weren't exactly perfect, so when it all went to $hit, I could always say that "he wasn't right for me, anyway, because of A, B, or C..." But this guy...PERFECT, I tell you. So how in the world do I NOT get all caught up in the fantasy so as to not be devestated if it doesn't work out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 2:00pm

Crappy dating life? Yep, me too. :) Join the club.

>So how in the world do I NOT get all caught up in the fantasy so as to not be devestated if it doesn't work out?<

Well, because the fantasy in your head doesn't exist. There is no such thing as a "perfect" relationship, unfortunately. EVERY couple, and I do mean, *every* couple, will have problems. And no one is perfect. Even this seemingly "perfect" guy is going to have something "wrong" with him that you'll find out about at some point. It's going to happen. Lots of people are "perfect" until you actually get to know them and then they suddenly become human - complete with smelly feet, he doesn't put his dirty clothes in the hamper, he leaves his dirty dishes on the counter, or whatever.

You can find a relationship that is perfect for YOU, but it won't be perfect in every sense of the word. You both will have to make compromises along the way with things that you don't necessarily like.

If he seems like a great guy then that's great - have fun dating him and see where it goes. But don't get caught up too much in the fantasy. When you put someone up on tall pedestal, they will lose their balance at some point and fall - and it will hurt.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 2:14pm

What I do is remind myself, 100 times a day if necessary, that "yes, he *seems* great, but it's early yet. TIME WILL TELL."

Another thing: if any of the requirements on your list are personal qualities such as honesty (and hopefully some are!), then you have NO IDEA at this point if he has those qualities or not. He may SAY he does, he may SEEM like he does, but you need to get to know him before you will have any basis for evaluating whether he truly possesses those qualities.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 5:17pm

Hi CJ, my advice would be to live in the moment and enjoy the ride. Forget about what tomorrow will bring, and never dwell on the past. Try to make your self aware of the present only. Ask yourself often, what am I feeling right now. It works everytime to bring yourself back to reality and what's happening for you right in that moment. Everytime you catch yourself fantasizing and making up a future for yourself with this guy, you need to snap back into reality and find out what's going on in your life at the present moment to make you want to dream up a new life.


I hope it helps. He sounds like a great guy for you -- keep us posted :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 6:19pm

What's going on in my life is that I don't have a boyfriend! LOL

Seriously, everything else in my life is great...I just haven't had a real boyfriend in 2 years, and I get lonely! And when I say "planning the wedding", I don't really mean planning a wedding, that was a metaphor, I just tend to fantazise that we're in a committed relationship, and going out regularly, not seeing anybody else, and things are happy and fun and great and we're progressing towards marriage. Because that's what I want in my life, and haven't been able to find it. So of course, when a great guy is in front of me, all I want is to know that he's not going to leave, and that he cares for me, and is committed to me and trying to further our relationship.

Because I don't just date to *have fun in the moment*...I have plenty of male friends that I can do that with...I date to find the guy I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, and if one guy isn't it, then I'm not going to waste my time with him, I'm going to move on and look around more.

Make sense?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 6:31pm

I get that it was a metaphor and that you weren't already shopping for the proverbial white dress. What I'm saying is take the pressure off the future. Maybe you need to "date for fun in the moment" and stop trying so hard to find Mr. Right. If you enjoy Mr. Right Now for a while, maybe he'll turn into Mr. Right in the near future and you'll be pleasantly surprised. If not, maybe it won't be so terrible when it doesn't work out because all of your Fantasyland hopes aren't so built up that they come tumbling down around you.


I know, it's easier said than done. Our insecurities always get the best of us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2006
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 7:39pm

I hear what you're saying and it's *hard* to let go of picturing a future together. The danger, obviously, is that you fantasize into too much detail and then when you get to the point in real life where you've already dreamed it out, this guy is going to most likely act differently. He might do something equally great, but there's potential for being disappointed because it doesn't follow the movie in your head.

Maybe instead focus on the most recent date and try to remember all the details he discussed so you can remember them and toss them into a future conversation. He'll be impressed with your memory and you'll have spent the time better being in real-time than projecting something that may or may not happen.

If you still want to fantasize, find some celebrity and go that route. George Clooney comes to mind for me. :) But there are a ton of others. Just *think* of the places you could go in your head then! Fantasizing like that leaves it strictly in fantasyland, you know it's not going to happen so you're not disappointed. (Well, technically, you could be disappointed. You could win a contest to be on the red carpet for the Oscars, George could see you, fall madly in love with you and then you'd just be disappointed. Heh.) The point is, you could picture some celebrity in your mind, and it could be parallel to your guy now, but it keeps it just one step away and it might help.