How to say 'no'
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| Wed, 01-31-2007 - 4:28pm |
I have been recently admonished by a coworker for accepting dates from all the wrong men - it's her theory that I am just way too nice and end up dating guys who are not right for me because I don't know how to say no.
I think she's right. At a networking thing a couple of weeks ago, a man much older than me asked me if I would ever like to have lunch with him. I was not interested in him at all, but said, "yeah, sure" anyway. In these situations, I always end up weasling out after the fact.
So, in the moment, how do you say "no" politely?
Some of this stems from my old-fashioned mother who told me to accept a date from any guy who offered when I was growing up, because "you just never know." At the time, though, all the guys asking were at least in my remote age range and I was nowhere near wanting to find a mate for life. Now, I'd rather go out with people who have that potential. Attraction is also a good start. So, help me learn how to say 'no' and stick to it. :)

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I agree. I was talking to a guy friend who has had two women bail on him after giving him their phone number. He was upset on why someone would bother to do that after giving him their number. I tell him that women don't like to say "no" directly, in the moment, to his face.
I agree on "Thanks for asking but I'm not interested" or some variation, upfront, direct.
Mark
I probably shouldn't talk, because I have the same problem as you. The most recent one was a guy in my class asking if I'd like to go for coffee sometime, and I didn't say yes, but I sort of beat around the bush, not giving him a definete YES.
I think the girls gave lots of good advice, and I'm going to try and use it in my situations, LOL! But I know my biggest excuse to get out of something is going to be - "I'm swamped with school work". It's totally true, but I mean, if I wanted to hang out with somebody I'd certainly put the books aside for a few hours :)
I guess the best thing you can do is just say you have prior commitments, or you are just going to be really busy with things for the next few weeks or so. Personally, I know that if I was a girl asking a guy to go for lunch, and he said that to me, I'd take it as a HUGE red flag. But I guess males and females think differently.
HTH!
Autumngirly
I assume you've never been rejected by a man, Mark.
No I have never been rejected by a man but have been rejected by many a woman. I thought the discussion is about how to reject a man?
I am puzzled. You say that a lot of men automatically ask "why" to "no thank you." So what is wrong to the question of "why" is a (honest) variation of "because I am not attracted to you?" I don't understand the complication of telling the truth.
I bring up my friend and myself as examples as men wanting a straight answer. When you say women can tell if a man would like a straight answer or not, I have not experienced it nor did he.
Anyway, I realize it IS hard to be direct and honest to propositions. I always putting in my two cents in advocating for that for me. I recognize that is ME not for ALL men (or women).
Mark
A week or so ago, someone posted about being rejected by a woman.
"So what is wrong to the question of "why" is a (honest) variation of "because I am not attracted to you?""
Mark,
I totally understand where you're coming from, and what you suggest is, indeed, probably the best "etiquette" way of handling such a "why" question from a guy.
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