How should I respond (or not) to this one?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
How should I respond (or not) to this one?
13
Thu, 11-14-2013 - 4:53am

I've sunk to a new low to even ask tihs question here. In the past I would just ignore the cheapskate.

I had my first meet with an OKcupid guy this evening at starbucks. He got there early and asked if I wanted anything I said get me a de-caf iced cappuccino.

Well, it wasn't so now, it's almost 2 AM, and I'm wide awake.

He is tall, nice build, bald and the face is just eh...OK.

We were ther an hour or so, then he said he had to get going, it was 7:30 or so. I said I wanted to get something to eat, he stammered he can't. We just walked to our car. I was turned off already.

I got home, got this EM, what do you think? He said another time. Well, if the guy is truly interested should ask for a date already, maybe he's dating someone else. Should I even bother?

 "Glad we could meet if only briefly. I wish I had time for dinner but just didn't tonight.  Another time.
These are some pictures of the "jelly bean" in Chicago's millennial park. Maybe it was built after you came back home.
Hope the rest of the week goes well"

 

 

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Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Thu, 11-14-2013 - 7:45am

I say why not . . . what do you have to lose?  Why were you turned off, because he couldn't go to dinner?  He may have had a legitimate reason for passing.  Again, I would take him up on the offer if it ever presents itself. 

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Thu, 11-14-2013 - 8:43am

OK, I want to say this as gently as I can. Perhaps he didn't want to go to dinner because he didn't feel an attraction/connection with you. From the description of your evening and his follow up email, my interpretation is that he is just not interested. Sorry.

I think it's best on a first meet to have low expectations: dinner is not a given, and in fact, I'd rather just meet for coffee or drinks. If things are going really well, then sure, you can extend the evening to dinner. But call me old fashioned: I let the guy do the inviting in a case like that. Even if he is attracted, I don't think him not inviting you to dinner makes him a cheapskate. Perhaps he really did have a prior obligation.

Forgive me for saying this, but you do seem very focused on money. And compared with your income, most men (and women) are going to earn far less than you. You seem to be quite angry with these men you have been corresponding with. Perhaps you aren't ready to try online dating right now--perhaps you need to heal a little bit from your recently ended relationship.

I'm only saying these things from a place of compassion. I know it's really, really hard to meet someone when you're older, so trust me, I get it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Thu, 11-14-2013 - 8:47am
If I were you, I would meet him again. He probably have a genuine reason for not having dinner with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 11-14-2013 - 8:56am

I would have to agree with Florida a bit on this one... Not that its not wrong to date at this time but hey look at it as just meeting someone with no expectations at all.. You cannot think that every guy is going to be a potential relationship.. I would bet you are upset about your ex finding someone so fast and that you are alone.. That is very understandable but you know you cant just go out there and find love and magic so quickly...Life just doesnt work like that most of the time.. Yes there are exceptions but if you are coming from a place of lower vibrations as Esther Hicks says then you will attract lower vibration people..... If you are studying laws of attraction you know what I am talking about.. Keep watching more of the Esther and Abraham Hicks videos ..

You do have healing to do and things to work on even if its just for a bit....Not saying to be a hermit and not date or go out but just take a few steps back.... Talk to people and get to know them and meet up with them and date and above all have some fun.. Life is supposed to be fun and not always having the guy.............Heck. You might not even meet anyone but you will find that there is so much to do out there....and a man is icing on the cake.. Yes it sucks not having anyone and not having love but do you want to wind up again feeling sad, depressed and back down the lonely road.. I dont think so .. So take this time to find you and what makes you happy ... A man doesnt even have to come into the equation... Let go of old beliefs and let go of resistance as Esther says and things will change..

Just saying it like it is

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 11-14-2013 - 2:26pm

From the tone of the email I'd think that he doesn't sound that interested.  Although if he asks you on a date, then I think you should go.  I wouldn't label him as cheap for not wanting to go out to dinner--he could have had previous plans.  Most people don't really expect to go to dinner on the 1st meeting, if their original plan was to meet for coffee or drinks--sometimes it happens, but I think it's rare.  Also I never consider the first meet an official date so I usually would offer to pay for myself.  After that if the guy asks me on a date, then I would really hope that he pays for the 1st one.

I think you have to change your expectations a little.  It seems like financial success is pretty important to you.  I don't know where you live but in big cities there are actual professional matchmaking agencies that charge a pretty hefty fee to introduce you to someone--all those guys would guarantee a certain income/education level.  Now that doesn't necessarily guarantee success but at least you would know the guy is educated & financially well off because he would also be paying for that service.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Thu, 11-14-2013 - 4:18pm

Financial success is important to me but I don't know how it came up in this thread that this is the problem with this guy.  It's reasonablet to meet for coffee I suppose but if you meet someone at 6:30 then it's not considerate to not order something to eat. That's why I think he was cheap. Didn't he have to eat as well? The point is the guy should be selective about who he meets. If the guy is so indiscriminate and meets every woman then I can see how this could be a hardship but if he's selective and only meets once in a while, a dinner is in order. YOu could find some inexpensive restaurant, you need to eat anyway so why not have a little company with it? That's how I see it.

I wasn't that into the guy. He was kinda sedated - don't know how to describe it better, very reserved, not good looking. And he didn't like me! Strange!  But I have been trying to keep an open mind, even then I'm selective too about who I answer and meet.  I don't expect instant sparks either. Actually instant sparks may be a bad sign. If I can have a decent conversation with someone and he's not horribly ugly then I would go out a few times. Taht's what dating is for.

I'm used to guys that meet for a meal. I think I mentioned a while back I met this guy. At his suggestion, we met at a restaurant. He even encouraged me to order nice dishes. Very tall and good looking too. We talked for three hours, even flirtatiously. Hugged me at the end of the night. Never called me again. Now that was so puzzling but I know men will jump through all kinds of hoops if they're into you so I let it go.

Generious guys may not work, cheap guys for sure dont work. REcently, I was working on a weekend getting out around 1 PM. There was a very inexpensive but nice and quiet Thai restaurant near my work. So I told him to meet me there. The guy then insisted we met a a coffee shop. I told him he could order nice drinks at the restaurant but he still insisted on coffee. So I told him forget it.

I dunno but I think my intuition is pretty good. When I met guys for dinner it was more likely to lead to more dates.

Really, if the guy can't pay $10 for a cheap lunch (costs about $7) then he's not worth it. I don't expect fancy restaurant but if you meet around dinner time and the person comes from a long day of work, it's only considerate even if the meet doesn't work out. The thing is you have to be selective first and only go out with women that are good potential.  

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Thu, 11-14-2013 - 6:26pm

White Satin-

Hi. When I was single,  I would normally specifically tell a woman I met online, "I am just meeting you for a beverage the first time we meet. If things go well, I'll take you for a nicer second date." I wanted things this way because so many online encounters led nowhere--and there weren't really short cuts with online dating to determine if someone was really a good prospect. The only real way was to have lengthy pre-date phone and IM conversations with the woman, but not everyone is amenable to that.

Also, be careful. If you come off as a spoiled princess, guys will run away as fast as they can.

I meanwhile have to disagree with Florida Girl about him not liking you. By the fact that he contacted you shortly after your meeting, he showed he remains interested. Guys who aren't interested you generally don't hear from.

So, if you otherwise like the guy, I'd go out with him again. If on the second date, he seems unreasonably cheap, then cut him loose.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Thu, 11-14-2013 - 6:51pm

believe me, I'm no spoiled princess. I am a little more blunt to you gals and guys b/c I don't worry about telling you my true feelings. When I was with the guy. I was nothing but. I was peppy, talked, smiled, a little humor, eye-contact. The guy is not mr. amazing and yet disinterested, surely I would feel a bit indignant.

Believe me, I'm nice, have my life together, attractive enough, and the men I meet with are not exactly prime catch but I keep an open mind and meet them and yet they reject me so understandably upsetting.

Anyway, I wrote back to him. This is what I wrote "likewise, let me know when you want to get together for dinner."

  

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 11-14-2013 - 8:07pm

Have you done much OLD in the past?  I did 2 stints of it--between the 2 marriages, which was late 90's, it was pretty customary for the first meet to be dinner.  I met quite a few guys and generally they paid for dinner.  After the 2nd divorce a few years ago, I tried OLD again and then it seemed like no one wanted to have dinner.  I mean, I only met a few guys but also from talking to other women, now it's like you're lucky if you get more than coffee.  I guess I was lucky because I think the guys that I met did buy me lunch.  So what did the guy say when he made arrangements to meet at 6:30?  Did he say let's have a drink, let's have coffee, etc?  I agree that it does seem odd to arrange to meet at dinner time and not make plans to eat--that would be a normal assumption that people are hungry & might want to eat at that time.

But the thing I notice is that you say you are "indignant" that a guy is disinterested or that you get upset if they reject you.  If you are going to do any kind of dating, believe me, you need to get a much thicker skin.  I met a few guys through OLD and there was only one that I went on more than one date with (I'm talking about recently, not years ago).  Yes of course it would be disappointing if you like the guy & he doesn't like you--I felt like that even with men I was only so-so about, because it's an ego thing--how could he not like me?  But you can't get upset about it.  It's like a job interview--you go in there, put forth your best self, but you don't know what they are looking for.  Or I'd say more about auditioning for a play--if they are looking for a tall blond woman for the play and the actress is short & brunette, should she be upset & take it personally?  Someone might not want to date you for some crazy reason or something that you have no control over or might even get the wrong impression.  I think it would be nice if people would give each other more than a single chance to get to know one another, which is why I'm not thrilled w/ OLD, but I think you just have to have the "c'est la vie" attitude and not expect too much.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Fri, 11-15-2013 - 12:06am

Music, I think you nailed this one on the head.  I haven't gone back to OLD since the early 2000's.  Back then, guys mostly did take me out to dinner - and they paid.  I would imagine that things have changed right along with the economy.  Let's be honest, even if you are making bank, you are still not going to want to dole out money for no return.  I would think that a guy would only (a smart guy) want to invest in a woman where he sees potential.  I think it's rather smart to meet for drinks for the first "date".  It isn't old school like many of us here were accustomed to, but if you don't change with the times, you'll get left behind.  These first "meets" are very much like an interview.  I think it unwise to really even consider it a date.  I view a date as more of a romantic thing that two people do, who have some chemistry in the making.  It's tough not to put more stock into it because hello, we're human and we do have ego's.  However, I think you have to set your ego aside when it comes to certain situations.   

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