How to wish an ex-bf happy b-day?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
How to wish an ex-bf happy b-day?!
8
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 1:57am

well, my ex-bf/co-worker (that brokeup our 2-3 month relationship due to religious beliefs about 6-7 months ago and sits in a different bldg as me --- for those who don't know) came out from a meeting down the hall and stopped by to say "hi" and noticed all the decorations in my cube because it was my b-day (i don't think he really remembered because he questioned the decorations).

so after we chit-chatted for a bit, he said he would be back but didn't say why. well, he came back about an hour later and brought/bought me a b-day cake and gathered half of the people on my floor to sing to me, which all of this took me by surprise. the cake wasn't even from a local grocery store. he drove back and forth to another city about 15 miles away each way to get that cake. after we ate all the cake and everyone left the area, he gave me a hug. i thought that was really sweet of him to do all that.

ok, my dilemma is that HIS b-day is next week so i'm not too sure what to do for him. i know for a fact that he's taking off the entire week (not sure to where though) so i can't just "decorate" his cube, bring a cake, or whatever because he wouldn't be there. so i'm thinking like an e-card/texting him to wish him a happy b-day?! you see, since we brokeup, we've NEVER spoken on the phone nor done anything outside of work, but he would visit me in my cube once in a while. so i don't know how awkward our conversation would be if i were to call him, especially, if he is with all his friends or possibly a new gf and his "ex-gf" calls him to wish him happy b-day.

so how should i approach this?

thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 10:16am

I say do absolutely nothing. He didn't realize it was your birthday till he saw it. Reciprocation is not needed, or even wanted. He'll be gone that week... and I don't think he'll be spending his birthday alone. BTW my boyfriend lives 6000 miles away from me and though is birthday is next month I intend to *forget* and not wish him a happy birthday at all. He'll know I didn't forget b/c I emailed his sister a happy birthday and I don't forget anything.

I did call up my ex (that I broke up with) once and wish him a happy birthday. His fiance was going over that day. He called back to tell me he was getting married (to a girl he met online) and not to call anymore. Ooops.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2005
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 10:31am

Wait...I'm confused? You're going to purposely not acknowledge your current bf's birthday next month? Did I read that right? The bf that lives 6,000 mi. away?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 11:14am

Yep, I'm making it a point to 'forget'. This is the 1st year we've been together- I met him last August and he moved back home to Russia in December. My birthday was Christmas Eve, and though he wished me a Merry Christmas, he forgot my birthday, apologizing saying he only remembered his own and his mother's. So it would be thoughtful of me to not do birthdays, so he doesn't feel pressured. And if he doesn't like that, he will remember next time. Besides, I went to Russia and saw some notes from his ex-girlfriends, and they always remember his birthday and so it's not really a special thing to remember.

He knows I like him cause I write him sappy stuff all the time.

I thought my story about calling my ex is more pertinent... he was afraid I would call one day and have his now-wife answer, an embarrassment for everyone. I guess I did sort of want him back, I realized the mistakes I made. I think maybe you sort of miss the guy? It sounds like he is still in playing-around mode, if he broke up with you but still wants to see you. I don't know, I'm no expert, I've never been married.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 12:15pm

Honestly, I think him going through all that effort was a little inappropriate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 12:50pm
His over-the-top reaction to your birthday can be easily explained. He feels guilty he broke up with you and doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy by others at your company. Solution? Big public display of your birthday w/15 co-workers so everyone can see and comment upon how thoughtful and caring he is even though you two are broken up. In reality, his celebration of YOUR birthday was nothing more than a selfish act to assuage his own guilt and do a little public PR/damage control. He probably doesn't even realize that's why he did it--its a subconscious human reaction in those circumstances. Someone who ends a relationship often feels guilty and does gestures like that to assuage their guilt. Take the high road and don't acknowledge his birthday. Let his new gf or his friends celebrate with them as he chose when he broke up with you. If anything, just say "btw, belated happy birthday" next time you actually see him in person.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 7:14pm

ALL: well, apparently he WILL be in at work next week, but probably not on his b-day. anyhow, i do feel that he did it because of 1) guilt for breaking up with me and/or 2) to look good to his team/boss. however, these people have NO CLUE we went out together. the most i'll do is send a "free" (belated) e-card, not texting him (doubt he has a gf though, but definitely with close friends). my first instinct when he did all that is "there's no way i'm gonna get him a cake or do ANYTHING that crazy!!"

it's definitely a "guilt-trip"...he even mentioned/questioned "oh, is that new jewelry, you're wearing?...oh, so who's taking you out for lunch on friday (after seeing a note on my wall from someone)?" so definitely guilt-trip...i told him when HE brokeup with me that i'm cool being friends because i thought it was more important to be with someone that shares the same values as him (and he's alluded to the religious thing early-on when we were together, but just couldn't take it anymore - me not believing the same thing as him - so it wasn't a surprise to me).

well, i'll keep everyone posted!!! thanks everyone!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 8:06pm
I say it wouldn't hurt to send an e-greeting or something, once it wasn't over the top.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 12:49am

UPDATE:

after everyone's advice, i ended up wishing him a happy b-day via e-mail. i made a joke about it and he replied back thanking me. didn't want to burn bridges, especially since we're co-workers and he seems to be the "sensitive" type. whew! glad that's all over! thanks all!