I am feeling so full of personal shame..
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|Wed, 07-02-2003 - 10:10am|
Anyway, I flew across the country to meet him for the weekend, we had exchanged pictures and all that. I never expected to feel the way I did when I got there.
I felt totally obligated to sleep with this guy after we'd had so many intimate conversations on the phone and over e-mail, even though I truly found him physically repulsive. Seriously. Now I don't have to have someone hot, but this wasn't a matter of opinion, just take my word for it.
I felt trapped, and I didn't realize at all how much of a stranger he really was until I was there alone with him in a strange city so far away from home and too scared to say anything about my dissapointment and how I felt.
I sort of removed myself from the situation and just tried to make it until Sunday when I could come home. I've had a few one night stands before, and I've had a few sexual encounters that have left me feeling less than special, but I never expected this. I thought I could just get through the horribly dissapointing weekend, and make it home and forget about everything.
As I got on the plane to come back home, I started to experience crippling back pain that lasted through the whole flight. When we started to land, I began to get nautious. I was eyeing the barf bag as we were landing (and I never get sick on planes!).
As soon as I was picked up from the airport, I just lost it. All I could think about was his face above me, having sex with me, and how dead it made me feel inside. And how I felt like a hooker because I thought I had to do it or something b/c he had paid for the plane ticket and all that. I started crying and couldn't stop as soon as I saw my sister waiting for me.
This is my third day home and I cannot think of it without feeling sick. I can hardly look myself in the eye with self-disgust. I guess this is just venting because I feel traumatized by this. It brings tears to my eyes to think about how this all happened, and how I could've stopped this whole feeling from happening if I'd just said something, but I didn't and I feel so gross now.
I know I should have said NO, but I just got so scared, and I was all alone. I just got scared, but I feel so shameful now. I've never felt so dirty and disrespectful in all my life.
I make myself sick right now.
I don't know if it helps me to talk about it or makes me feel even sicker.