I am mean again to my x-bf

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
I am mean again to my x-bf
11
Sun, 02-16-2014 - 11:38pm

we've been hanging out again. The last woman he dated didn't work out.

anyhoo, I've come the realization that I was mean to him. Always putting him down for his past mistakes, critical of his financial skills.

Today I told him I was sorry for my behavior. He said it wasn't so much that but it was my coldness. The coldness was the result of my disappointment in him. He felt I was rejecting him and five years was long enough to keep trying.

Today we hung out in the morning. We had breakfast, went furniture shopping. I snooped again and found out he had asked out a woman who works at another major furniture store. They go on their second date tonight actually. I got mean again and tell him not to buy things from there b/c of strict return policy and beware of those sale people. they're like shark b/c they work on comission at that place. I know where to get nice things for less and I'm not trying to sell him anything. Better to date professional woman, etc...

I know I'm hurt more than anything. I even told him it's unfair for me to hold him back but I can't help it. He's rejecting me.

But then I thought how cold he was to me when he was dating that other woman. He's nice to me now b/c he doesn't have anybody. Hard to understand people's emotion.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 02-19-2014 - 1:41pm

okay it sounds like you two are just comfortable with each other because of the long relationship you both had.. It makes sense to me and just like when people are married and want to get a divorce so bad but they are afraid to be alone so they stay together for that purpose but they are miserable in the process.

This will either fizzle out or will continue on this way and the first thing I am thinking is someone has to be the bigger person. Either he will tell you he is done or you tell him you are done....or this will just lag on indefinitely and just remain status quo... If both of you are willing to deal with that then okay... If not I def. would suggest some counseling or searcing your soul and getting to a point where you love yourself more than any man or any type of relationship........ It does appear and sorry that you have issue.. heck we are all lonely and want someone and yes we are aging but like the other said it is really not good to compromise your soul and heart and psyche for one man whom you say has so many flaws..and whom you cant accept for who he is..

But then if he is dating he  might just find someone else and move on..........................I dont think men stick around too long with someone who is  not feeding their heart, soul and ego and psyche...

JMHO

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 02-18-2014 - 10:47pm

 From the last post it seems that you are like a lot of people they like aspects of living single but feel conflicted with what they as supposed to feel and want.     Here is an article that may be of interest.

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/mar/30/the-rise-of-solo-living

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Tue, 02-18-2014 - 8:25pm

You all have very good thoughts on the subject. I have the exact thoughts. Yes, I'm sitting on the fence. While I have the same thought, it's extremely hard to overcome the fear, depression, and anxiety. I think those are the main emotions I'm going through right now.

My depression has crept in again. It started last friday when I woke up and I wasn't sure why it reared its ugly head for no particular reason. I realize many times, things are hidden from my consciousness and bam, one morning I would wake up with depression and anxiety. Then last saturday, I called him over. We went for a 8 mile bike ride, had lunch, after that wandered about the area for a while. Then he went home afterward. I went to work saturday night. On Sunday morning after getting out of work, I came to his house, we went out for breakfast, furniture shopping. That night he went on the second date with the furniture saleswoman. Monday I came over again in the afternoon, we hung out, had dinner, watched a movie.

After he got cold with me b/c he was dating the last woman (an attorney). I stayed away for over a month I think. One friday night, I came  to his house drop off some things of his, he asked me out for dinner. That was about one month ago. Since then I've been the one who always initiate the get-togethers. Only this past week I found out that the week before, he asked out this furniture saleswoman (that was their first date).

I have all the thougths you raised. 1) Get back  with him b/c at least he's a good man. I know many women would be happy that he's a good man b/c I may not get anyone better. 2) break clean and try to find someone more compatible. That's a risk I must take. I may not find anyone. I know what it's been like for me all these years. It was never easy for me to attract men. Once in a while I meet someone wonderful and I didn't know it until he's out of the picture. I realize I'm messed up emotionally and it makes me second-guess my decision.

Have more thoughts but will post more later.

 

 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 02-18-2014 - 11:55am

  This is about your fears.  You are sitting on the fence and doing so are causing yourself pain.  let's look at your options 1. change to keep hime as a FWB/Booty call.  2. make a full commitment.  3. go it alone and find counseling for your seperation anexiety and fear of being alone. 

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 02-18-2014 - 10:46am

Well he accept you as you are but can you accept him as he is or will you always be complaining that he doesn't have enough money?  If not, it's not really fair to him to feel that he's not really what you want, but you'll keep him around because you're settling and afraid to be alone--he should be with a woman who really loves him and can accept him for who he is and you should have the right man for you.  There are women who would be happy with a nice man and wouldn't care if he didn't have money.  My friend who is an RN has a BF now who's from another country and he's here illegally--if they get married, then she could apply for legal status for him, but they haven't been dating that long--they are "kind of" engaged.  She's 52 and has never been married but she has 2 kids from 2 different guys (10 yrs apart) who she basically has raised on her own.  She hasn't had it that easy--right after her younger child was born, she got breast cancer, but luckily it is in remission.  So the BF works in construction but since he isn't legal, he doesn't make much money, he can't get a driver's license so he doesn't have a car.  He rents an apt. while she owns a nice house.  She  said that she doesn't care that he doesn't have money because he is really nice to her and they get along well and he's good to her young son.  She's had a history of bad BFs so she appreciates that this guy is nice.  From what I see of him, he is very easy going (she's more dominant), he treats her very nicely and it's obvious that he is crazy about her.  

But I'm not saying that's how you should be--it's your right to want a guy who is financialy more secure and you wouldn't have to worry about supporting him (although nothing is set in stone--people can always get sick or lose their jobs).  So the fact that you are worried that you won't find anyone else better is just BS--you will definitely cut off your chances of finding someone else if you are dating someone.  You might not find someone else--that's just the chances we take.  I can tell you that I'm much happier being alone than I was when I was in a bad marriage.  Sure I'd like to find someone but my life is pretty good w/o a man so I can hold out for someone I really want to be with than just figuring I'm old (56) and stuck w/ someone I don't want to be with.  I think it's just better to be alone.  You just have to suck it up.  No, it's not easy sometimes to be alone but I am very rarely lonely.  I took the attitude that it might just be that I will never find someone else, so if that's the case, what am I going to do to make my life fulfilling as it is, rather than be waiting around for the guy to come along to improve things.  Not to mention that you make yourself much more attractive when you have things going on instead of not having interests and things to do.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Mon, 02-17-2014 - 11:45pm

Five years is a long time to spend with someone. If it didn't work then, it's not likely to work in the future. It also takes two people for a relationship to succeed. While you might change yourself  a bit, he doesn't sound ready and willing for his part.

Friendship with an ex ordinarily works when both of you have moved on. You haven't here, so naturally your encounters with your ex will be awkward. Wish him well and minimize contact.  An occasional email is okay, since people are curious about what happens with their former loves, but not much more.

As to being 47, yes, dating gets harder as you get older, but not impossible. I personally know one woman who got married for the first time at age 59 and another woman who wed for the first time at age 53. A male acquaintance who is a 52 year old virgin(I think) just got engaged. Hang in there and look forward, not back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Mon, 02-17-2014 - 7:44pm

I am with Floridagirl x 100 here.  The thought of settling, to me, is far more depressing than being alone at 80, or any other age for that matter.  Do you really want to spend what time you have left on this earth being miserable?

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 02-17-2014 - 6:06pm

Think for a minute. If your roles were reversed, how would you feel? I don't think it's fair to keep someone around because they are "better than nothing." Honestly, being alone is much better than settling. And from what you've already written about this relationship, you're just going to get frustrated at his financial situation again.

I don't care if you are 47 or 87, it's still just better to be alone. Every day you spend with him you are keeping yourself from possibly finding someone more suitable. Don't both of you deserve that?

It's true, breaking away isn't easy. But you just have to have a little faith. Sometimes we have to just step out into the darkness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Mon, 02-17-2014 - 2:39pm

Musiclover,

I don’t like being alone and I’ve been thinking maybe he’s the best I can get. He’s kind and generous and accepts me as I am. I’m already 47.

I got to thinking his money situation isn’t the best and I don’t want to support him. He makes enough to support himself and has a house. Unless something catastrophic happens, he would do OK. He’s trying his best.

I don’t know how other can break free so easily it’s not that easy for me. Maybe my jealousy is based on selfishness. I just want him around to meet my need to be with someone

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 02-17-2014 - 12:04pm

Why are you continuing with this relationship?  I would say that it would be fine to hang out as friends if you could both keep it to a friendship level, but you obviously have some feelings for him since you are jealous that he is dating someone else.  Of course I think some people just don't like being alone so if he's not dating someone and you are willing to be with him, then why not?  But why do you put yourself in this position?

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