I am so weird I think...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2006
I am so weird I think...
8
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 10:29am

hey all there!

I am new to this message board, I hope you guys can help me out!
I am a girl in my mid twenties, I am still single..

Now the problem with me is that I have stopped dating casual or serious about a year ago after I broke up with a boyfriend of 3 years. I just seem to have lost interest in relationships and am now living with this consistent feeling that they never culminate into anything good. In other words I just want to stay away from any commitment..
I am enjoying my single status and just show total lack of interest in dating which my friends find quite weird. I like to go out and party with friends but no more dates for me! Another problem is that I now like this one married man at work who is in his late thirties, he likes me too, and we get along well. I feel very comfortable and nice with him as he is more mature and comes with the minimal emotional baggage as opposed to most single guys I have dated..
Whatever time we spend together is very good, he satisfies me emotionally and also sexually, with no strings attached. I prefer being single this way, and also all my needs are getting fulfilled too.
But sometimes I feel maybe its really insane to be in a situation like this..
At one end I am happy not getting to the relationship as this used to cause me a lot of stress when I was not able to cope up with the demands.. and on the other hand I feel that even if this man is there whenever I want that kindof company n solace, my life is going nowhere..
most of my close friends say I am getting into the wrong situation which will hurt only me in the end..and that I should date young guys again.
but the kindof satisfaction I get with this man, I never got from my 3 boyfriends..

Please help me out with your suggestions, I am in a fix

lena

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 1:57pm

Let me start off with the married man thing - it can't go anywhere good. Not only are you participating in his deception of his wife, the chances that he will leave her for you are next to none. And even if he did - how could you ever trust him? There are some other message boards on iVil that deal with this - I would suggest All Sides of An Affair debate board. Reading and participating in that board would be good for you. The people there have been in your situation. There are current and former "other women" on that board with a lot of sage advice.

In some ways, I am sure that being with a married man is easy. It allows you to have a sense of intimacy and companionship without dealing with the stresses of a relationship that involves two available people. But you are not doing yourself any favors by hiding out in a relationship that cannot disappoint really because there can be no expectations. Not to mention that what you are doing is beyond disrespectful of his wife.

You need to have a healthy relationship with someone single. You asked about men your age but I don't think that age is the issue here. There are plenty of single men in their 30s and 40s to date. The issue is emotional and physical availability. There may be reasons that you are in this relationship that should be addressed. Perhaps you are gun shy because of being hurt before. Deal with those issues and be on your own for awhile and THEN consider dating single men. Of any age.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 6:41pm

>>he is more mature and comes with the minimal emotional baggage as opposed to most single guys I have dated..<<

If he is married and considering a relationship or fling with you or anyone else, that counts as emotional baggage. Stay far, far away.

I sympathize with the rest. I am 31, and it occurred to me that when I was in my 20s, I really didn't have much desire to date. Now, I am ready for a long, lasting relationship -- so more of my energy is focused on dating.

In your 20s, you're still figuring out who you are and what you want (in a lot of cases), so I think it's normal to not be ready to settle down. Just because your friends think it's weird, doesn't mean it is weird. Everyone has their own timetable for these things - and the best thing to do is follow your gut.

Again, though, stay far away from the married guy. That is one big heartache waiting to happen if you go there.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 10:41am

I am all for no strings attached relationship however, but both parties can't have any strings attached such as BEING MARRIED. Please find someone who is Not MARRIED or ENGAGGED. I agree w/ your friends your getting in the wrong situation and you will get hurt sooner or later. It's time to mature and reallly figure out why you want a relationship such as the one your in?

What goes around comes around


BABY GIRL DUE ON JUNE 25TH
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 5:27pm
Dear Lena,
I feel nothing unusual in the way you are thinking. You did not write anything what kind of relation you had with your boyfriend, 3 years old and under what cirumustances you broke. Coz 3 years is not a short time. There is nothing wrong in continuing a relationship with a married guy until you get what you want. There is nothing to feel wierd about this. Since you say that you are getting satisfied both emotionally and sexually, what else do you want in life ? Since you say he comes up with ample emotions to you, who knows he may even give up even his wife in case he finds you more emotionally and sexually attractive. There is never a rule or an axiom that you always endup in pain if you are in affair with a married guy. There are cases in which a married guy leaves his wife for his lover and live with satisfaction. Also remember one thing, friends are only to share your experiences but they will never feel your emotions. I am telling you out of experience, I broke up with a guy in my 20s and of my same age coz he was never sensitive and never tried to understand my emotional and sexual feelings. After some years I met a married one and now we are of course happy.
But remember one thing Lena, there should be no reason for a married guy to have sex coz its the drive. But if he is emotional, then u should think whatz making him to be emotional even he is married.
Good luck and write to me for more advice.
Katja
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 5:46pm
How can someone ignore the fact that when you are sleeping with someone who is married that they are CHEATING...you want to be with a cheater? This strike a nerve because my family has gone through problems with these sorts of problems so I dont want to hear about how it is ok to cheat and leave or anything...thats just about as selfish as you can get.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 5:51pm

I agree with you. And since I tend to think of others before myself, my first thought was: What about his wife? Does he have children? What about the rest of his family?

There's always someone else in the bed if an affair is going on.

Photobucket


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2006
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 10:48am

hey friends, thanks very much for your advice.
This married man is happily married, he had lovely kids and projects an image of a really 'happy family' to everyone. Frankly speaking I dont expect him to leave his wife or kids and get married to me.

I have been heartbroken and hurt after my past relationship of 3 years ended.. we both loved each other but you know the relationship was too demanding, specially emotionally. It used to cause me a lot of stress when something didnt happen the way he expected it. Though he always used to shower me with love and we patched up after events like those but till how long can one cope up you know... those moments used to be very stressful and disturbing. I used to feel guilty, suffer from low-esteem and the likes.

After this experiance I decided never to get into a relationship, meanwhile I met this man, with him I am happy just the way it is.. the time spent together is very nice, he is in his late thirties and I am in my mid-twenties, he treats me like a real doll, we have good time in bed too whenever its possible (as he is married).

At this moment I seem to be enjoying this bliss and I really dont expect him to leave his family for me, as I cant trust him for a long-term relationship. I seem to be just completely comprehending with this 'no strings attached' relation, without thinking about what might or would happen later.. I feel that my this way of thinking sounds weird to my close friends.

I am living by the moment, enjoying the good parts of this relation, I am fully aware that my life just seem to be passing, but this relation is bringing momentary happiness to me..and doesnt invade my private space..

or is it more appropriate to be back on the singles-dating scene.. I am so confused really :(

Lena

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 12:46pm

After reading your posts, I don't think that you are weird but I do think that you are behaving extremely selfishly. This man has a wife and "lovely kids" and all you can talk about is yourself and how your relationship with him effects you. What about what his wife and kids would want? Certainly not you having a "good time" in bed with him.

You talk about how you don't expect him to leave his family and you talk about how that would effect YOU. What about his family? Don't you care that what you are doing, if discovered, has the ability to completely turn their world upside down?