I Can't Take Dating Anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
I Can't Take Dating Anymore
22
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 11:14am

I'm too f'ed up right now to get into all the details but I'm soooo f'ked up right now I can't keep another thought in my head.

Basically, I found out through a mutual friend that a guy that I've been involved with on and off for over a year, the only guy I've been intimate with and of whom I've had strong feelings for all this time, has had a serious girlfriend for at least the past 4 months, had been newly dumped and is on the rebound and oh yeah, is madly in love with her and would do anything to get her back.

The very same guy that I've been seeing more of and who I've been having a great time with. Things were going go so well, we began talking about dating regularly again and he had been soo sweet and loving toward me. I'd been helping out at his new house, he invited me to his softball game and out with his friends and trying to get me to spend more time with him. I thought, we were getting closer and that he was feeling more like I do.

All my sad little perception. He is in love with HER!

I confronted him. It's all true and I ended out 18-month fling. Over and done.

But right now I am a wreck (been crying all morning). I honestly feel like I can't date anymore. So there is still ZK, who has been sweet and nice and we have a ball together but I know he doesn't want a relationship (ok, Im assuming by his actions), so I'm thinking of ending things. Why delay the heartache later.

I just feel like I CANNOT do this anymore. This is seriously the 5th time a guy I was seeing fell for another while involved with me.

Just Tuesday night, this guy was trying to convince me to pack a bag and stay with him that night (which he NEVER did before) and fall asleep together, was going on and on about how we met and what great memories we have together and has been asking me serious long-term questions like where I see myself 10 years down the line, if I see myself getting married, marrying outside my race, taking an interest in my writing and personal interests (for the first time) joked about how I'd love his mom and should meet her someday and talked about what cool chemistry we have together. All rebound bull.

AUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

My friends are teling me to not stop dating and allow these guys to affect me fromnew ones. I will make an effort to not cut off the entire male gender based on the 3500 unworthys that have whooed me, swooned me, then dropped me when they got a so-called better offer. But it's gonna so hard. I'm ready to quit.

I can't do this.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 11:23am

Oh, I'm sorry. That really sucks. Even though it doesn't sound like you had an exclusive commitment with him it sounds like he was leading you on in ways that he should not have, if he were truly a good guy.

As for the other guy, how long have you been seeing him? If it's been more than a couple months, then I would have a conversation with him about what he's looking for before you break it off (since you're planning to anyway, what's the harm?).

I think a break is in order...you won't really be open to meeting someone who is good for you if you're feeling like this, anyway.

Sheri

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 12:08pm

I am so sorry you're feeling so

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 1:30pm

God I feel you pain--sounds like this guy, and many others have been a class A jerk to you. You know, the best thing for you might not be to date for a while and get a break.

When you are ready to start dating again, remind yourself that 99% of the people out there are selfish people only looking to fill their own needs--they'll use you and abuse you as much as you let them. That's just how people are--its nothing personal to you and doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. I know this sounds like a bitter attitude, but unfortunately its simply REALITY. The problem is not you as a person but rather that you let this guy be intimate for over a year with no commitment. Why would you allow this? Clearly you wanted more from him and were not just looking for a FWB relationship. Deep down are you afraid that you couldn't get him to commit unless you gave him that? (Clearly he was ready to give this other girl a commitment). Once you stop letting guys abuse you, and take intimacies from you without similarily offering emotional intimcay/commmitment in return, I truly believe you will no longer find yourself in a position like this. If you're looking for a RELATIONSHIP (which clearly you are), DON'T date/hang out with anyone for extended periods who isn't "ready for a relationship", DON'T sleep with/make out with anyone who isn't ready for a relationship, and DON'T make excuses for ANYONE who offers you less than stellar behavior. Enforce your boundaries and no one will be ABLE to abuse you.

I know this is tough love, and please understand I'm not trying to make you feel bad, only help you. I see this situation happen to a lot of women. I think as women, we often try to be "understanding" and put up with things b/c we are trained by society to be accommodating and sweet--and you know what that gets us? Abuse. Unfortunately the "sexual revolution" has given us more choices, but its also hurt us women, since men are now able to get sex way too easily and don't have to commit to anything--and they take full advantage of it if you let them. We may have "come a long way baby" but some things between the genders are exactly the same as they were 50 years ago. As much as it seems like an old fashioned attitude, most men today will not see someone they sleep with or who allows them to have "physical access" without any commitment as a woman they want to commit too. They think if its so easy for them to get, you're giving "it" to eveyone. Not saying this is true, just saying what most men think. (Many of my guy friends and husbands of buddies have confirmed this to me, so I've gotten it straight from the horses mouth--of course these same guys have sworn they'd never actually admit this to a woman they're dating since they know that means she'd stop sleeping with him). We women keep putting up with these excuses b/c we think "well, I don't want to a bitch, I don't want to demand a commitment from him before he's READY" without realizing that these actions are causing us to lose respect in that guy's eyes. We are giving up our boundaries in order to be sweet and accommodating. I've seen the same things over and over again my friends in the same predicament you are--yet once they realized they were LETTING themselves get treated like crap by guys (that they were being too accommodating and making excuses for too many guys who were not "ready" for a relationsihp but who WERE of course always ready to have a lot more physically)--well, they stopped letting such behavior continue and are now dating good guys who treat them right. Demanding respectful behavior isn't being bitchy, its just loving yourself and protecting yourself. (don't get me wrong--if YOU decide you want to sleep with a guy without a commitment b/c you have no interest in a commitment FROM him, that's fine--just don't do it with a guy you expect or want to commit to you).

Unfortunately many guys tend to automatically put women in categories--women worthy of commitment or those who aren't. And anyone who sleeps with them or make out with them without a commtiment, goes in the latter category regardless of anyting else. Even many "good guys" will treat a woman who lets them that way. A guy will only give you what you deserve when you stop letting disrespectful behavior slide and demand that a guy treat you like the fabulous person you are!! Read "Why Men Marry Bitches" by Shari Argov--its honestly a great book. And don't feel bad that you let this happen, just look forward and convince yourself you're not going to LET it happen again! You sound like a great person and I have no doubt you will eventually find someone who treats you right once you start demanding that kind of treatment for those who interact with you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 1:39pm

THANK YOU!!!

Now I just need to address the other guy I've been dating for the past almost 4 months, who I'm convinced can't commit at this time and decide if I should let him go as well. He just emailed asking to see me later if I'm free. I've been near tears all day and afraid to face him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 1:41pm
I agree with you.
To CL, I'm sorry and my heart aches for you.
I think it's best you do take a break from dating for a while to give yourself a clear perspective of things.
Again, I'm sorry and I am sending you cyber hugs.
{{HUGS}}
You'll feel better again. Just give it time.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 1:58pm

I disagree that 99% of the population is selfish.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 3:26pm

Maybe "selfish" wasn't the right word, I guess I should have used "self-interested." People tend to hear the word selfish and automatically jump to conclusions. I do think 99% of people will act in a way that's in their best interest. I.E. you write:

"If 99% of people are selfish, why would those women you speak of give up sex just to be nice?"

I don't think these women are just giving up sex to be nice, they're giving up sex hoping it will bring them the commitment they want. That's why they are pissed when it turns out the guy doesn't want a commitment. Or they don't push a guy for a commitment, because as I said, women are trained to think they should be sweet, accommodating and understanding--and so they try to do so b/c otherwise they would feel they weren't acting as a girl should--hence its really all about their own self image & their "selfish" need to look like a good person/good woman.

When it boils down to it, even love is in most respects a selfish act--who we love romantically is determined by who benefits us the most, who treats us the best and whose company we enjoy the most. Otherwise people wouldn't break up with the good guy who's unfortunately "boring" or refuse to date the unattractive guy even though he may treat them well. I think you're seeing "selfish" to equal something that is automatically negative, I'm not putting a negative connotation on the word selfish--sometimes people do "selfish" things that may be good for others too--ie I may give $ to charity b/c deep down I believe its the right thing to do and doing things I'm right make ME feel good--thus its selfish because my motivation behind doing it is selfish, but it also helps others.

Anyways my point is, I just think its a fact of life everyone acts in their own best self-interest (but sometimes that self-interest can be something that benefits others). I think its reality, that most people, even good ones, will especially act in a way that is self-interested in a dating situation, and a person needs to be clear to enforce her boundaries to make sure she doesn't get taken advantage. It sounds like what happened here is that this guy may have been spending more time with her b/c he was lonely. He also was asking her questions that led HER to believe there was more there (who knows what he believed they meant). But CL also probably read into it (not unreasonably) b/c he never did officially ask for a commitment. Its a common mistake that everyone has probably made--its like an implied social contract--he did this, therefore I assume it means this. Unfortunately, I've learned the hard way, that in dating, making assumptions like that can often lead to heartbreak--b/c people do act in their best self-intersest & often the "common" assumption is the wrong one. I'm not justifying his actions AT ALL, I'm just saying unfortunately i know a lot of guys (or even girls who have just been dumped) who will do that to ensure the benefits keep coming. Doesn't make him (or anyone who does this) the GREATEST person in the world, but unfortunately, again, I think its something a LOT of people do--even the so-called "GOOD" ones...because for many people its pretty hard to resist a no-strings attached fling when you're lonely and going through a break up. But precisely b/c its so tempting and b/c its so easy to do when someone's in a bad spot, I think that's precisely why it happens so often. That's why in a dating situation the other person has to be so careful about enforcing her/his own boundaries to make sure she's not getting used. I was only trying to give her advice that would prevent this from happening to her again, not justify his behavior. I just think in dating, until you're giving a verbal, agreed upon commitment, its safest to assume NOTHING and ASSUME he's NOT interested in more. That way a person won't be hurt when their assumptions turn out to be false.

In closing, I agree with you many women on this board don't let themselves be absued and I think you're RIGHT--that's why so many of us are single. I also HAVe talked to many men who have in fact told me "my" theory on commitment is the one they suscribe too--I can't take credit for developing it on my own unfortunately. Obviously, you're free to disagree with my theories--just like any theory, it isn't always universally applicable, I just think you see this kind of hurt and heartache happening most often when there is sex or physical intimacy w/o a commitment. I just thought I would offer my advice as i see it, just as you're equally free to offer yours! ;)




Edited 7/14/2006 3:32 pm ET by riskitgirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 5:07pm

I am sorry for all you have endured with these men. Big hugs.

Sometimes a break from dating to concentrate on taking care of you is just what's needed. It's ok to nurse those wounds a bit before going back out there.

Time truly does wonders - so take all the time you need. Hang in there.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 11:16am

Just wanted you guys to know that I'm not only feeling much better but instead of crying about my situation, I'm going to focus on doing something. My rants are over.

My close friend kinda had an intervention with me and really feels that it is my actions that are putting guys off. She feels that I am too nice, too giving, not enough of a challenge and too emotionally available to guys. She believes that I need to "play the game' if I wanna get ahead in dating. I've never wanted to play games and always thought that if I were myself, people would appreciate that and the real me. But it hasn't been so. Not one guy I've dated has been very into me and the ones that were, lost interest early on. My personality has made no lasting impression on anyone and I refuse to be a bitch to land a man.

She feels that I need to hold back with guys and make them earn my trust more. In response to that and the deep scar tissue I'm now building, I'm going to hold off from dating at all. I hate the idea that I can't be myself and that I need to play a game to win a guy over so I don't want to get involved at all.

Right now, the ZK is still hanging tough and I will continue seeing him because we do have a blast together and he makes me feel good around him. But I'm not open to dating anyone new and when this ends, I will not be open to dating afterwards. Every guy will have to be a friend until I feel comfortable enough to allow a guy anywhere near me. No BSing, no messing around. Nothing.

I am finally a closed-off person. I know it may not sound cool, but everybody keeps telling me I'm too nice to guys and too willing to embrace them with open arms and that puts them off. I can't keep allowing myself to get hurt because I care so much. And I haven't figured out how to stop caring about people.

So friends only for a long while and I'll go from there.

Thanks for reading. No more dating rants.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 11:23am

I don't really agree with the playing games part (in fact, I just posted about an article that endorses it and it makes me irritated), but I do think that having other things to do and be involved with will make you seem less "needy" and more attractive.

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