I Can't Take Dating Anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
I Can't Take Dating Anymore
22
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 11:14am

I'm too f'ed up right now to get into all the details but I'm soooo f'ked up right now I can't keep another thought in my head.

Basically, I found out through a mutual friend that a guy that I've been involved with on and off for over a year, the only guy I've been intimate with and of whom I've had strong feelings for all this time, has had a serious girlfriend for at least the past 4 months, had been newly dumped and is on the rebound and oh yeah, is madly in love with her and would do anything to get her back.

The very same guy that I've been seeing more of and who I've been having a great time with. Things were going go so well, we began talking about dating regularly again and he had been soo sweet and loving toward me. I'd been helping out at his new house, he invited me to his softball game and out with his friends and trying to get me to spend more time with him. I thought, we were getting closer and that he was feeling more like I do.

All my sad little perception. He is in love with HER!

I confronted him. It's all true and I ended out 18-month fling. Over and done.

But right now I am a wreck (been crying all morning). I honestly feel like I can't date anymore. So there is still ZK, who has been sweet and nice and we have a ball together but I know he doesn't want a relationship (ok, Im assuming by his actions), so I'm thinking of ending things. Why delay the heartache later.

I just feel like I CANNOT do this anymore. This is seriously the 5th time a guy I was seeing fell for another while involved with me.

Just Tuesday night, this guy was trying to convince me to pack a bag and stay with him that night (which he NEVER did before) and fall asleep together, was going on and on about how we met and what great memories we have together and has been asking me serious long-term questions like where I see myself 10 years down the line, if I see myself getting married, marrying outside my race, taking an interest in my writing and personal interests (for the first time) joked about how I'd love his mom and should meet her someday and talked about what cool chemistry we have together. All rebound bull.

AUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

My friends are teling me to not stop dating and allow these guys to affect me fromnew ones. I will make an effort to not cut off the entire male gender based on the 3500 unworthys that have whooed me, swooned me, then dropped me when they got a so-called better offer. But it's gonna so hard. I'm ready to quit.

I can't do this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 1:26pm

I think it was actually very nice of your friend to be upfront and honest (even though it must have been hard to hear)--clearly she has your best interests at heart.

I know its difficult to draw the line between being warm and open versus doing what many see as "game playing". I used to struggle with that myself and finally resolved it by realizing that by "playing it close to the vest" at first, I wasn't "playing games" but rather simply being cautious. In reality, you shouldn't let anyone into your life "automatically" (be it a friend or boyfriend) but they should earn your trust in varying degrees--just as you would most likely not spend every day for 2 weeks straight (or tell your darkest secrets) with a potential girl friend you have just met, it should be the same with a guy. (Not saying YOU did this, just using it as an example). You can be friendly, warm, etc., but don't spend too much time with them right away or be too emotionally available right away. Make them earn your trust just as you need to earn theirs. Unfortunately I think too often people are so interested in getting a relationship (because being in love is a natural human need) that they tend to throw away the boundaries they would use in other aspects of their life and give their new romantic interest unfettered access to their lives and premature intimacy. And people naturally become "suspicious" of anyone who seems to ready to let someone into their lives--it automatically makes them wonder if the other person is "desparate."

It sounds like you are definitely ready for a relationship and are also a very nice person, but unfortunately the combo of the two makes men seem like you are "needy" or "desperate". In your mind, you are just giving men the benefit of the doubt and being the warm person you are, unfortunately most men I know tend to equal that as "needy" (not sure why). For some reason, men especially tend to value thing they have to work at--including getting you to eventually open up! I think you should look at each new romantic encounter as you would at each new friendship--ie something that needs to grow slowly, with new intimacies (both emotional and physical) occuring slowly only as trust bulids up over time. That way you are not being "bitchy" or playing a game--you are just being realistic that it (i) takes time to get to know someone and see their true self and (ii) not coming across as desperate for a relationship before you truly know who the person is. Not only will you find yourself getting hurt less, this attitude will also help you "keep the brakes" on at the beginning and prevent even the appearance of being needy. Best of luck, you sound like a very nice person and I'm sure you will find the RIGHT guy eventually!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 1:59pm
I hate to hear that cl214. I would hate to see you be something your not, just to get a guy. I want to see you find a guy that loves the real you, the very core of who you are. If you try that, your going to make yourself even more miserable. So they say your too nice, is that even possible? You are beautiful, sweet, caring, and have a good head on your shoulders, any guy who wants a serious relationship should be all over you. I don't get it, I just don't get people today.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 2:12pm

Well, be rest assured that I'm not ready to change who I am to trick a guy into falling for me. It goes against everything that I am. See,my last serious relationships was so simple. He pursued me, I gave in, we fell in love, within 3 months. It went on to last 8 years and he loved me and accepted me with all my faults. So when I entered dating after that, it never occurred to me that I had to do act a certain way to 'play the game'. I thought if I were myself (which is naturally open, inviting, warm and sincere) I'd be appreciated for that and things would take off from there. But everyone keeps telling me those are the qualities that turn men off, at least initially. It must work, because my one friend has men dripping off her. But it isn't really.

"You are beautiful, sweet, caring, and have a good head on your shoulders, any guy who wants a serious relationship should be all over you. I don't get it, I just don't get people today."

I'd think so too but again the info I keep hearing is that many men don't want serious relationships which is why the gaming playing comes into play.

I don't know, man. I just know dating is much harder than it was when I was in high school and I'm losing all interest in the process. This just isn't for me. Either fate will step in or I'll have to settle for perpetual singledom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 2:31pm
This girl that has men dripping all over her, is she the one giving you advice?
Is she happy with men wanting her and not a relationship? She amy not want the same things as you, therefore her advice may not be for you. I hope you don't give up and I hope that you don't think all guys are like that. I also think your lucky because you had a good father who set the example on how a gentleman should treat a lady, so you know what to look for.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 2:41pm

You are right in that she does NOT want a relationship. She turns most guys down immediately for dates as she doesn't want to get involved at all and in response they begin to chase her endlessly. SOme even professing to have real feelings for her. She will hang out with them as friends only but she keeps them at bay.

That is really hard for me. If a guy I really like asks me out and makes a move to kiss me, I am more than glad, especially if I am attracted to him and if I like him, I want to let him know to see if he feels the same. I'm afraid to miss out on an opportunity.

But oh well. Yes, I am very discouraged and am giving up for now. Maybe down the road but if I have to jump through hoops and play games then its not worth it anymore.

I throw my hands up.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 5:16pm

But everyone keeps telling me those are the qualities that turn men off, at least initially.


That means those men get thrown back in the kiddie pond because they aren't grown up enough for you.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 7:42pm

Can you give an example or two of what you do when you first start dating someone that your friend thinks is "too open" or whatever?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 7:56pm

Hmmm.

Well, I usually accept their date invites right away, oftentimes making that move myself. After the date, I'll followup with an email or something to let them know I had a great time and would like to get together again. I talk openly about many things, including myself (I try not to discuss my past relationship, but if they ask, I try not to get into too many details). With this one guy in particular, things got physical after only 3-4 weeks.

I guess I just don't come off as a mystery. I'm an open, talkative person and when I like someone, I like to share and give and I don't hold back much. I flirt openly and make time for them and am very accomodating. Basically, I'm not enough of a chase is what I hear.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 8:26pm

Ok, thanks for clarifying. The only thing I would change is, I would NOT initiate dates or send those "thank you" emails any more (why not just say thank you at the END of the date instead? That's the polite thing to do anyway, IMO). That way, you'll have a better idea of whether the guy's *really* interested in you, if HE initiates contact and/or asks you out (as opposed to just going out with you because he doesn't have anything else going on or because he couldn't figure out a polite way to say no, or because he kinda sorta likes you but not enough to pick up the phone).

Actually, I haved another question...when you say you "make time for them and are very accommodating" do you mean you cancel plans in order to go out with them, stuff like that?

But as far as being open and talkative, so long as you're not telling your deep dark family secrets on the first date or stuff like that, I don't see that as a problem.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 8:36pm

"Actually, I haved another question...when you say you "make time for them and are very accommodating" do you mean you cancel plans in order to go out with them, stuff like that?"

No, I never cancel plans with someone. I have a very strict rule about that. Basically, i will work around the guys' schedule. Since they usually claim to be much busier than I am (although I stay busy too), I usually give them my available dates and let them choose.