I Can't Take Dating Anymore
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| Fri, 07-14-2006 - 11:14am |
I'm too f'ed up right now to get into all the details but I'm soooo f'ked up right now I can't keep another thought in my head.
Basically, I found out through a mutual friend that a guy that I've been involved with on and off for over a year, the only guy I've been intimate with and of whom I've had strong feelings for all this time, has had a serious girlfriend for at least the past 4 months, had been newly dumped and is on the rebound and oh yeah, is madly in love with her and would do anything to get her back.
The very same guy that I've been seeing more of and who I've been having a great time with. Things were going go so well, we began talking about dating regularly again and he had been soo sweet and loving toward me. I'd been helping out at his new house, he invited me to his softball game and out with his friends and trying to get me to spend more time with him. I thought, we were getting closer and that he was feeling more like I do.
All my sad little perception. He is in love with HER!
I confronted him. It's all true and I ended out 18-month fling. Over and done.
But right now I am a wreck (been crying all morning). I honestly feel like I can't date anymore. So there is still ZK, who has been sweet and nice and we have a ball together but I know he doesn't want a relationship (ok, Im assuming by his actions), so I'm thinking of ending things. Why delay the heartache later.
I just feel like I CANNOT do this anymore. This is seriously the 5th time a guy I was seeing fell for another while involved with me.
Just Tuesday night, this guy was trying to convince me to pack a bag and stay with him that night (which he NEVER did before) and fall asleep together, was going on and on about how we met and what great memories we have together and has been asking me serious long-term questions like where I see myself 10 years down the line, if I see myself getting married, marrying outside my race, taking an interest in my writing and personal interests (for the first time) joked about how I'd love his mom and should meet her someday and talked about what cool chemistry we have together. All rebound bull.
AUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
My friends are teling me to not stop dating and allow these guys to affect me fromnew ones. I will make an effort to not cut off the entire male gender based on the 3500 unworthys that have whooed me, swooned me, then dropped me when they got a so-called better offer. But it's gonna so hard. I'm ready to quit.
I can't do this.

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Sounds good to me, then!
I think a break from dating is a good idea, but I don't think twisting yourself into a pretzel to be someone you're not is a good idea at all. So when you are ready to get back into it, I wouldn't make a lot of big changes...but you might consider letting the guy show interest (per my previous post), so that you don't waste time with guys who aren't all that interested.
Sheri
I would totally agree with Sheri--let THEM initiate at least the first 3-4 dates and although you can thank them at the end of the night & say you had a fun time--DON'T follow up with email. Although you may not realize it, being the initiator and going so far out of your way to thank them via email is somewhat desperate--it shows that deep down you don't have confidence they'll keep coming back on their own...as you admitted, "you're afraid to miss an opportunity." That fear can often reflect a deep insecurity/self-esteem issue that no one will be interested enough in you to come to you/initiate if you don't do the work yourself.
Next time, keep reminding yourself that the right guy won't want to miss an opportunity with YOU and will do the initiating HIMSELF. You can be nice to guys that take the initiative, but don't give it away all at once (either your emotions or physical stuff). Instead keep reminding yourself they have to prove that they are good enough for YOU and a compatible match for YOU--before you grant them the privilege of your emotions and your body. Remember you're not just looking for ANY relationship but rather for a great one. If you don't initiate and let guys prove they are interestd in you, you'll only be spending time with guys who are really interested in you & won't be wasting time on guys who simply say "yes" to your initiative but don't have enough interest to be initiated themselves. I think that'll save you a lot of heartache in the future.
P.S. YOu also might want to pick up "Mars and Venus ON a Date" by John Grey...it does a really good job of explaining why men need to be the initiators in a relationship (bascially if they don't have to chase something they don't value it) & I found it very insightful.
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