I didn't ask, but I found out anyway

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
I didn't ask, but I found out anyway
76
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 11:46am

so you guys remember, I'm sure, how I wanted ask the guy who last broke up with me why he did it. Well we still often chat over IM and were doing so last night, when he told me of his own fruition, in the middle of a normal conversation. He felt like I was too big/he was too small. He felt I needed a "bigger, taller, more manly man" to "move you around."

wow, I really can't believe it was something like that. I realize he is extremely insecure and has a napolean complex. He is not that small- I have dated much smaller guys- but it was clear from the conversation that he likes his woman tiny because he is insecure about his own size. I'd honestly say that we are about the same weight and he was about average height for a guy and I am about average height for a girl. I did not feel awkwardly big around him at all. I know he definitely has a problem, but it was still a pretty painful thing to have happen. Now I am afraid it will happen again. I'm not huge but I am a very big boned, heavy girl, about a size 12. Not fat, but i'm just not someone a guy would look at and feel like he could theoretically control or anything...I thought I was old enough that this wouldn't really be an issue anymore, but I guess I was wrong. It made me feel very unfeminine. sucks how someone else's insecurities can make YOU insecure.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 12:16pm

buggie,

>I thought I was old enough that this wouldn't
>really be an issue anymore

Can you elaborate on "this" please?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 12:23pm
well in college a lot of my guy friends would say that they only wanted tiny girls because it made them feel better about themselves, and I have never been a tiny girl, so that made me feel pretty crappy. But I assumed that 29 year old guys were more confident than that and had a better perspective on things...guess not...
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 12:43pm

I am not surprised in the least.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 12:46pm
He's NOT that small...but he seems to think he is.
But know I can't help thinking that maybe every guy I've dated has thought that, or that all the guys I meet in the future will think that, and that I won't be ABLE to move on to the next...it's so shallow and superficial. even though he's an idiot for it, it is making me feel so crappy about myself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 12:52pm
I'm sorry to hear that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 12:58pm

You know stacey, whenever I have felt insecure about that, people have always told me that I was just being self concious and silly. they said that no one would be that shallow, and I'm not very big to begin with.

And now I know if is so true and real, and you don't have to be an enormously obese cow for a guy to think you're "too much woman." I think this incident is going to set me way back in my confidence with guys, because I used to fear this, stopped fearing it, and then it happened- blatently.

and I just thought he was cool, and smart, and mature, and had perspective. I feel like if he couldn't handle my body, maybe no one can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 1:00pm

"...and I just thought he was cool, and smart, and mature, and had perspective..."

He was none of these things if he said that to you.

"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated." ~Gandhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 1:05pm

>>He was none of these things if he said that to you.<<

seems like none of them are.
at what point do I stop blaming them for being immature and start just accepting that I don't have the body type I need? I mean if sooo many guys are this immature, maybe it's not them, it's me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 1:05pm

Buggie,

I am a firm believer in the maxim "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder". I would never say a person is shallow and superficial based on what they find attractive. I have my preferences and would hate to be criticised for them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 1:10pm
true that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. but he wasn't holding to that maxim. He was being unwavable. He "prefers" small people and he was not about to budge from that, no matter how much other beauty I had and no matter how much we got along. I'm sorry, but in my book, that IS shallow. I find all types of men beautiful and I don't have some arbitrary cut off for what is no longer acceptable. Every person is different. It seems that so many men have these cut offs, and they don't find the uniqueness of human beings beautiful. This guy just confirmed every bad stereo type about men, I'm sorry. And I have to say, he's not any candidate for the people top 100 most "beautiful" either. What is total crap is that he had sex with me even though he felt he couldn't "move me around." Was he disgusted the whole time? Did he feel like he was fornicating with a whale? I mean did he want to cover my body? Was he just that desperate and bored?

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