I finally got a date

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
I finally got a date
46
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 2:33pm
I finally worked up the courage to go up and start a conversation with this girl who frequently serves me coffee at a coffee stand close to work. We've seen eachother around so she knows who I am. I asked for her number and asked her out for Saturday evening she said yes. I'm thinking about taking her to dinner and then to a pool hall afterwards. I'm really excited (I've only been on 2 dates my whole life and the last one was in July) but I'm really nervous at the same time. I don't know what mistakes I made with the last 2 girls I went on dates with, but none of them were interested in seeing me a second time. I really want this girl to stick around. What can I do or say to make her stick?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 4:07pm

Oh, that's a bummer. I'm sorry to hear that, but please don't let it deter you from asking out more women. Like other posters have said, get up and brush yourself off.

As for her motives, I'm with sephora (previous poster) - I have done this before, and it's usually when I am not in the right mental place to want to go out with anyone. Gearing up for a date can be stressful and can feel like work, and maybe she just freaked a little bit. I definitely wouldn't take it personally.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 8:08pm

>>>As for her motives, I'm with sephora (previous poster) - I have done this before, and it's usually when I am not in the right mental place to want to go out with anyone. Gearing up for a date can be stressful and can feel like work, and maybe she just freaked a little bit. I definitely wouldn't take it personally.<<<

I'm sorry you guys think it's stressful and feels like work, but do you know how stressful it is for us just to approach you and say "hi" and ask you out? Do you know how disappointing and crushing it is when you council? Do you know how humiliating it is to tell your friends that your date who you've been excited about all week cancelled?

I didn't ask her to marry me. I didn't ask her to be my girlfriend. I didn't even ask her to date me regularly. I just asked her for 1 or 2 games of pool and to sit across from me at a table for an hour. Why is that so much to ask?

If she won't even do that for me, how can I NOT take it personally?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 2:22pm

redonculous,

You keep rephrasing the same things over and over. WHat exactly do you want to hear? If you could imagine the ideal response, what would it be?

I already said a lot of what I had to say about your posts in message: 7308.13 and I won't repeat it all again.

You seem to think that women should go out with you out of the goodness of their hearts. You seem very angry at women in general because they are not dating you or sleeping with you. I would like to ask why you feel entitled to have sex with women? Sex and relationships are not like a cigarette, bus fare, or a pencil before the test. No one is just going to give it to you out of pity. A friendly girl will let you borrow a pen in class, but she is not any less of a good person if she does not want to go on a date with you. People get into relationships so that they can be fulfilled. Women want to date men who they think might be able to fullfill them in whatever ways matter to them (sexually, emotionally, for a family, etc). A relationship, especially a sexual one, is a huge risk. Women are perfectly right to reserve their bodies and their time and their emotional energy for relationships that THEY want. Every guy gets dissappointed in his love life sometimes, but it is illogical to blame women. After all, men want many things that are difficult to attain or that conflict with what a woman might want. Women and men want different things and have different priorities. That is a fact of life. All you are thinking about is what you want. What you need to think about is what the woman you are interested in wants. WHat can you do for her that she should want to be in a relationship with you? How can you fullfill her? Relationships are a two way street. You are not asking "how can I have a relationship" you are asking "how can I exploit someone". What kind of a person wants that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 2:45pm
How am I asking how to exploit a girl? I just want to know what I can do to get them to want me back. I try being nice to them, offering to take them out, paying for them, complimenting them, devoting my time and energy to them. I've even tried being friends with girls for YEARS, spending my time with them, giving them my emotional support when they needed. You call me selfish, but don't I have a right to desire something in return for all I've given and will offer to give?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 3:12pm

>>How am I asking how to exploit a girl? I just want to know what I can do to get them to want me back. I try being nice to them, offering to take them out, paying for them, complimenting them, devoting my time and energy to them. I've even tried being friends with girls for YEARS, spending my time with them, giving them my emotional support when they needed. You call me selfish, but don't I have a right to desire something in return for all I've given and will offer to give?<<

You have a right to desire it, but you don't have a right to get it. Once you let go of that idea you will be a lot better off. You are not entitled to it. My issue here is with the sense of entitlement that your posts convey. It seems like you feel as if you have been wronged because you were denied something that you felt you were entitled to.

>>I try being nice to them, offering to take them out, paying for them, complimenting them, devoting my time and energy to them.<<
Just because something costs you a lot, does not mean that it will be appreciated. It has to be what she wants, what she is looking for. I know that is hard, but that is life. Usually, women have to feel that you desire HER, not any woman. And forgive me if I made it sound like relationships and sex are like a transaction where you give A and get B. It is more like a business partnership with a lot of lovey dovey stuff instead of money. Most women would like to see the potential for an ongoing and productive give and take, not a one time purhcase. Also, you have to at least act like you are going to be faithful.

>>I've even tried being friends with girls for YEARS, spending my time with them, giving them my emotional support when they needed.<<
If you are friends with a girl, than you are supposed to like her and be nice to her and do things for her. That is what friendship is. If you think of it only as an investment towards sex then it is not really friendship is it? YEARS eh? What a burden.

I did not say you were selfish, what I meant was that you were not seeing things from their perspective. I think that is a lack of empathy. That is self centred, not selfish. I also am saying that you say a lot of things that suggests that you don't like women. If the women in your life pick up on that, it would be a huge turn off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 3:22pm

>How am I asking how to exploit a girl?<

Because you said you were looking for notches in your belt and sexual experience and you didn't care who it was with.

...>don't I have a right to desire something in return for all I've given and will offer to give?<

The right to desire - yes; the right to receive - no.

I desire to win a billion dollars. I desire to marry a rich man so I don't have to work anymore. Does that mean I deserve it and will get it just because I desire it? - LOL!! I wish!! Are you crazy??! It doesn't work like that!!

You're like one of those guys who takes a woman out to dinner, pays for dinner, and then gets mad because she doesn't want to sleep with him afterwards! One does not equal the other!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 3:34pm

>I also am saying that you say a lot of things that suggests that you don't like women. If the women in your life pick up on that, it would be a huge turn off.<

Bravo!

There is this wonderfully funny Web site called Heartless Bitches with several entries on "Nice Guys - BLECH!!" It can be found at
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/niceguys/ng.shtml.

I have found that, in general, this "Nice Guy" syndrome is masked misogyny. A kind guy is one thing - but the prototypical "nice guy" is entirely another. (shudder)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 3:47pm

>>I have found that, in general, this "Nice Guy" syndrome is masked misogyny. A kind guy is one thing - but the prototypical "nice guy" is entirely another. <<

I agree. I'm a guy and I have seen that situation about a dozen times. Did you read my post on 7308.13?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 3:54pm

I don't much care for "nice guys" who have the "nice guy chip on their shoulders," myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 4:03pm
PS. The articles I read in that site were both hilarious and true. Good find.