I finally got a date
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I finally got a date
| Wed, 01-17-2007 - 2:33pm |
I finally worked up the courage to go up and start a conversation with this girl who frequently serves me coffee at a coffee stand close to work. We've seen eachother around so she knows who I am. I asked for her number and asked her out for Saturday evening she said yes. I'm thinking about taking her to dinner and then to a pool hall afterwards. I'm really excited (I've only been on 2 dates my whole life and the last one was in July) but I'm really nervous at the same time. I don't know what mistakes I made with the last 2 girls I went on dates with, but none of them were interested in seeing me a second time. I really want this girl to stick around. What can I do or say to make her stick?

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In response to emdeesea
>>>Hon, if you somehow feel like you're the ONLY person that this crappola has happened to, think again.<<<
I clearly stated at the end of my post that “I don’t claim to be special. There are millions of other men like me.” All I want to know is how can I overcome all the negative emotions left behind from all my bad experiences with girls and my non-existent social life?
In response to elarisa
>>>You've gotten a lot of good advice here. Listen to it.<<<
I’ve gotten SOME good advice, but I’ve also received a lot of contradictory advice and advice that I’ve done repeatedly but hasn’t worked. Isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result? I want something new and original.
>>>(1) Don't be over anxious. Pursue friendship rather than dates. Let the dates come when they will.<<<
I have no desire to be just friends with girls. Male-female friendships usually mean 1) the girl using the guy only for validation and emotional support and 2) the guy not getting any. Besides, can a guy ever truly be a friend to a girl? Guys scratch, fart, belch, curse and do all sorts of other things around their male friends that we can’t do around women. Whenever I’m around a girl, I feel like I constantly have to censor myself. Is it really a friendship if I have to censor myself around someone?
>>>(2) Be nice just to feel good about being nice (or don't be nice at all). When you are nice, don't expect a reward. Really effective relationships come when you don't expect a reward.<<<
Maybe that’s how effect relationships form, but what does it take just to casually hookup? Why should I have to put in all this time and energy building a relationship when every Thursday night, girls are having sex with guy they just met 2 hours before down the street?
>>>(3) If a girl turns you down, take it like an adult. Shrug your shoulders, go out with your buddies, have a good time in spite of her. (That is what a sensible girl would do when the guy stands her up or doesn't call.)<<<
When a girl turns me down, it’s really hard not to take it personally. When she turns me down or cancel’s a date, I can’t help but interpret it as basically her telling me, “you aren’t worth the time or effort to go out on just 1 measly date on.”
>>>(5) Try to see each girl you meet as a person, not just an object of desire, a potential source of satisfaction for your loneliness and lust.<<<
When I’m talking to a girl, I AM genuinely interested in her. I pour my entire attention into what she’s saying and doing, and ask her things about herself and so on.
As for the other part, and I supposed to just completely ignore my male desires? How can I possibly do that?
Hi Red,
No one is asking you to give up your "male desires." But the simple reality is that when all we can focus on is our "desires" we don't do as good a job at satisfying those desires as when we relax and let "satisfying our desires" be secondary to other things. That's why I suggest just being nice, just being friends, etc.
Yes, some of the advice you are getting is contradictory. That's because the biggest irony about male-female relationships is that the best way to succeed is not to look as if you are trying. So you are going to be getting advice that says "try harder" and advice that says, "don't try at all." It all comes to the same thing--make an effort at not seeming to make an effort. :)
RE: "I have no desire to be just friends with girls. Male-female friendships usually mean 1) the girl using the guy only for validation and emotional support and 2) the guy not getting any. Besides, can a guy ever truly be a friend to a girl? Guys scratch, fart, belch, curse and do all sorts of other things around their male friends that we can’t do around women. Whenever I’m around a girl, I feel like I constantly have to censor myself. Is it really a friendship if I have to censor myself around someone?"
Yeah, well, I think various people have pointed out to you that your perception of girls is one of your biggest problems. I am not going to go over what has already been said, but consider the possibility that getting to know girls as people might be good for you. It is not necessary to censor yourself around a girl, and it is also possible that a good friend who is a girl is going to know girls that you can date and maybe sleep with.
But the bottom line here is that you have to change how you look at male-female relationships. There is no magic formula to attract women except self-confidence and genuine friendliness.
Good luck.
Elsa
>I clearly stated at the end of my post that “I don’t claim to be special. There are millions of other men like me.” All I want to know is how can I overcome all the negative emotions left behind from all my bad experiences with girls and my non-existent social life?<
If you realize that you're "one of the many" then why whine about it??
I give up. You'll figure it all out eventually. With age comes wisdom.
Redonculous,
You seem to be under the impression that you're a nice guy but all you're trying to do is manipulate women into sleeping with you. If you find that women aren't jumping at the chance to go out with you, it's probably because women see through that nice guy act you try to put on and realise all you want to do is get into their pants. We're not as stupid or gullible as you seem to think we all are.
Feisty
>>>Redonculous,
You seem to be under the impression that you're a nice guy but all you're trying to do is manipulate women into sleeping with you. If you find that women aren't jumping at the chance to go out with you, it's probably because women see through that nice guy act you try to put on and realise all you want to do is get into their pants. We're not as stupid or gullible as you seem to think we all are.
Feisty<<<
OF COURSE I want girls to sleep with me! OF COURSE I want to get in their pants. Why wouldn't I? I'm a guy! I don't get pleasure from sharing my feelings with someone close for 3 hours on the phone.
Tell me this. Why is it manipulative to want to get girls to sleep with me? This isn't a rhetorical question, I'm seriously expecting an answer. What's manipulative about wanting to have sex with women?
Edited 2/7/2007 10:45 pm ET by redonculous
Redonculous,
Don't judge men by your standards. There is nothing wrong with wanting to sleep with women as long as you're upfront and honest about it. I think you're very sly in that you try and befriend girls and pretend you want to be in a relationship just to sleep with them. Men who see women as people and not just as sexual objects, have a lot of pleasure from speaking to women on the phone and engaging in other activities other than sex. You're quite aware that most girls your age won't have a purely sexual relationship with you which is why you employ underhand methods and yet, you complain when they see right through you. Take a good look at yourself ... you're far from being a nice guy.
Feisty
>>OF COURSE I want girls to sleep with me! OF COURSE I want to get in their pants. Why wouldn't I? I'm a guy! I don't get pleasure from sharing my feelings with someone close for 3 hours on the phone.
Tell me this. Why is it manipulative to want to get girls to sleep with me? This isn't a rhetorical question, I'm seriously expecting an answer. What's manipulative about wanting to have sex with women?<<
---
The simple truth is MOST (no, not all, but most) women view sex as a deeply personal, intimate encounter. Having sex with someone creates a deeper emotional attachment for us. It's a matter of trust -- and many women are going to *expect* those three-hour conversations and a feeling that you know her pretty well before she will sleep with you. She's going to want to feel like you are genuine, honestly care about her and her feelings, and have a sense of who she really is before sharing something so personal and that makes her feel vulnerable (again, most of us, not all).
Yes, it's perfectly natural for you (especially at 20) to have hormones and a strong sex drive. That's totally healthy and good. Yet, I agree with the other posters that you would be very wise to learn how to befriend women and truly get to know them as people if you want satisfying relationships (and those satisfying relationships include sex).
To give you some background on the posters here for context: many of us are 30 and older. We have had several relationships, several partners, sometimes husbands. We have all been hurt, and a lot of us have slept with a man we thought we could trust who later treated us like dirt. The responses you are getting are very personal reactions to what many perceive as not caring about the feelings of the opposite sex. We're not trying to attack you, but help you learn a very valuable lesson about women. The sooner you learn it, the better off you will be in your relationships.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
Tallgirlcolo,
"To give you some background on the posters here for context: many of us are 30 and older. We have had several relationships, several partners, sometimes husbands. We have all been hurt, and a lot of us have slept with a man we thought we could trust who later treated us like dirt."
Just to be clear, I'm not one of the women that you are talking about in your post. Regardless of when I was 17 or 32, I was always smart enough to assess whether a person was genuine or not and not all of us have had unsuccessful relationships. I'm single because I haven't found someone I want to be with not because people didn't want to commit to me. I don't think that you should speak on behalf of the board. Merely state your own opinion.
Feisty
I don't think
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