I had a startling realization today

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Registered: 06-26-2007
I had a startling realization today
7
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 11:17pm

and it put me in bed when I got home from work! When my BF arrived home he laid next to me quietly until I was ready to talk...

I realized today that atleast 50% of the reason I don't see myself ever having children is... my own mother! P was very disturbed by my saying this, he said I am allowing her way more control over my life than she deserves to have. And really it is my issue above all else. And I get that. But once I began to expound on it - I think he understood. We've obviously talked about my mother a great deal over the years and he can "deal" with her alot better than I can... but I don't think he REALLY understood until tonight.

Don't get me wrong - my mom has a good heart! She loves like no one I know! But she is also one of the most needy, insecure and "lack of boundaries" person I know!

Growing up I was told things a little girl should never be told - stories of sexual abuse, what can happen to little girls that stay the night at a friend's house whose daddy might be bad, stories of her mother's parents physical and sexual abuse - obviously she told these things to me hoping to make me aware of what could happen and what I should do if they ever did! My parents never acted inappropriately with me. But then as I grew older - adolescent years and teenage years - my mother confided in me as though I was her adult friend - telling me about her affairs (not in a "listen to what I did" way - but a "I hate that I did these things, I love your father" way), she would tell me that she felt lonely with my father and that he was emotionally absent. I held her hand LITERALLY through the separation and divorce years - even coming back from college to take care of her. I have had years of therapy working through alot of the issues I carried due to all the weight from her issues! Probably could spend the rest of my life in therapy and never get through it all.

But even beyond feeling like my child would be susceptible to stories or comments or just random thoughts my mother would feel the need to share - I worry that the day I'd give birth to my child(ren) THEY would become her reason for living. She wants grandkids so bad (never passes up an opportunity to make a comment in my presence) - but I fear her primary reason for wanting grandkids is not just to laugh and play with them... but so she again feels like HER life has meaning and purpose. I refuse to watch that happen to my children. I fear that while watching my mother holding my baby and kissing it and cuddling it... I'd be afraid... afraid she's sucking the life out of my child for her own!

I know this is all rather depressing and I'm sorry - but I feel like I need to get it out - I'll probably have to end up erasing all this in a day or so - not exactly something you want out there on the internet for a prolonged period of time!

Plus... I guess I'm hoping someone might have some words of wisdom or maybe as insane as this sounds to me... have lived something similar! :(

Obviously, there is still another 50% of reasoning behind not wanting kids - but it wasn't until today that it hit me... she is atleast 50%! :(

Understand this is a few paragraphs of a lifetime and a million and one "issues" - I just tried to sum up alittle. It hurts to come to this realization. It hurts to not feel safe and secure in that original relationship. It hurts to think there are women out there that have mothers they admire and think are wise and can look up to. I guess this post is about 2 things... a sad realization about a mother and a sad realization about her as a grandmother.

Don't get me wrong - I love my mom - she drives me batty with her neediness and act of helplessness. But she's what I got and truly she'd do anything in the world for me... except what she's just not capable of - acting appropriately and operating with appropriate boundaries. I know that seems like psycho-mumble jumble and a year ago I would have been like "what the heck does that mean"... but over the last year - my eyes have been opened! And sometimes I wish they were still closed!

Avatar for cl_shywon
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 11:43pm

I know you've had family issues for awhile.

Avatar for floridagirl52
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Registered: 10-16-2006
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 7:36am

I know what it's like to have a difficult relationship with one's mother. I have always been jealous of women who had "normal" mother-daughter relationships. My mother is different from yours in that her issues are control, criticism and competitiveness. And narcissism. I have to say, she's in her eighties and hasn't changed—and never will.

Like you, I have had years of therapy, and it has really helped me understand. But, it's still sad, and I think to a degree, I will always have that issue to deal with.

Speaking of boundaries. If you have children, it doesn't mean your mother has to be very involved in their lives. Given the way you feel, I see no reason to get her involved. This may seem harsh, but you haven't had a good relationship, and you're worried about her interaction with your children. I know that to women who have good relationships with their mothers that this would be unthinkable. Seriously, would you consider moving far away if you have children?

My sister made the mistake of letting my mother take care of her children during the day after my sister's divorce. My parents even bought a bigger house so that the two kids could have their own rooms. My mother relentlessly competed with my sister, buying more and bigger toys for them that they weren't allowed to take home. They could only play with them at HER house. Oh, it goes on. Finally this all just blew up and now their relationship is very tense and my mother will never forgive my sister. The point of telling you this is that I wish my sister had just paid for day care or moved away. It has created way too much tension and hard feelings and dysfunction.

Take care. --FG

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Registered: 06-26-2007
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 11:00am

I guess that's part of the problem (or so I'm told in therapy) - all these years of taking care of mom and worrying about her feelings and needs first... haven't allowed me to say "ya know what... I'm hurt by some of the stuff you did". I just can't seem to do it. Even though I KNOW it should be okay for me to talk to her and tell her my concerns a) since I've always kind of played the mother role - it's hard to let her be a mother now (fear of her failing me once again) and b) it's hard for me to hurt her feelings - which I KNOW will happen to my fragile mother when I admit to my feelings all these years. How do I deal with her pain is the first worry I have. And I shouldn't - it's her job to deal with HER emotions!

Anyway... I know my issues with my mom (and dad) go way beyond not wanting to have children - hence another reason I don't want to have children - how horrible to feel like *I* could damage my offspring the way I feel damaged by my parents (and they didn't mean to - and comparatively speaking they surely aren't as bad as some situations out there).

Thanks for the support! I guess that's why I posted! I know we all struggle with our own stuff - some just seem to deal better with it than I do! :-/

Maybe one day I'll get up the nerve to talk to her! HA! :p

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Registered: 07-21-2004
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 11:13am

I'm glad I'm not the only one who has similar issues with her mom.

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Fri, 07-27-2007 - 11:14am

It's funny you mention moving away because that's always been a thought for me - and not necessarily just to put distance between me and my mother - but I WANT to live somewhere else (preferably cooler climate - but still with seasons! Colorado... Montana :p )

Anyway... I actually said this to my boyfriend "and you know I've always thought, I need to just go ahead and move away like I've always wanted to do - that way if I truly decide I want kids, she won't be a deciding factor. But who am I kidding... imagine the day I find out I'm pregnant... surely she'll schedule right then a first time to come out when I'm oh, 8 months along to help with room finishing touches and such and then no doubt she'll insist the moment I feel labor pains to call her so she can jump a plane and then she'll be there for the entire first week of my new baby's life!" Funny thing is... some... most?... women would value that their mother would do those things - helping with last details before birth, how great to have a mother for that and being there the first week to help - what's so wrong with that!? But for me... like Shy said - even the thought of it creates triggers that, in this moment, I don't care to even figure them out - but they are there!

So... really... would moving away help? She's still my needy, manipulative mother who will visit when she wants and if you don't welcome it - she'll act hurt and abandoned! UGH!

It scares me that your mother is in her 80s and has never changed!!! God help me because my mom is on her way to living a LONG life and she just recently said to me (and I'm actually going to copy and paste from her email - LD is my dog and P is my BF) "Your love for LD flows in every word. Your and P's gentle, loving care of her warms me, to the bottom of my heart. I hope, when my time comes to be old and a pain to you because I'm really an old woman, how I hope and pray that you will love me and patiently care for me as you do your beloved pet. This email gave me hope for that."

Ofcourse I'll care for my mother when she's old... is there any option? But for heaven's sake... stop with the manipulation (not even sure that's what it's called but that's what it feels like).

See and even now I feel bad talking about her like this... as if I'm "hurting" her by doing so! Man, I really need a refund on all that therapy! :p

(TMI ahead... I probably wouldn't be so depressing and sharing all of this if it wasn't the perfect time of the month to be doing so! :p )

Avatar for cl_shywon
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 11:17am

I know exactly what you mean when you say you're worried about her feelings.

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Registered: 06-26-2007
Fri, 07-27-2007 - 11:23am

Holy cow - your whole first paragraph was something I felt like I was writing. Until the alcoholic part - sometimes I wish my mom had a very definable disease like that - atleast then I've have some leverage to approach her - scientific evidence or something crazy like that! :p Instead I really think, she thinks, she's fine! Even with her almost bipolar moods! Like you, I can tell the minute I answer the phone if she is up, down or lonely. And she KNOWS I know... and basically expects me to react in the ways I always have... so now, 9 times out of 10... I don't take her calls, I let it go to voicemail and then decide from the message or non message if I want to call back. My therapist understood why I did that but said I still wasn't taking control. What she said is to answer and if my mom mentioned that she was lonely and would I go get some dinner with her to say "awww thanks for thinking of me, mom but I'm busying doing ...." and not let her get the better of me! Yeah right!

thanks for sharing with me country girl - it's nice to know I'm not alone - I guess... I obviously don't wish this on anyone! :p