I hate this feeling!

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
I hate this feeling!
7
Sun, 02-24-2013 - 2:43am

I was all excited about going out tonight. I was feeling attractive, in a great mood, ready to dance, and so on. Then my girlfriend told me her husband was coming along. 

Her husband looks up to Al Bundy. He prides himself on his insults. He will loudly burp at dinner and refers to his wife's breasts often.  At one point in the night, he called an overweight friend of hers a "water buffalo".  She knows I can't stand him. Yet she gets upset when I call him on his crap. I was nice at first, but after knowing her and him a couple of years, I couldn't keep my mouth shut any longer. 

After that, I felt completely ignored most of the night. Not just by her. She usually ignores me. By everyone. Another "friend" made me feel guilty for just suggesting she go out when she has kids.  

So I came home feeling crappy about myself. Like no one cares and I'm an awful person for <gasp> speaking up for myself.  I'm not PMSing or it would make sense.

Autocorrect and the fact that ivillage is pretty much dysfunctional is ticking me off royally right now too!!! 

Okay...vent over. 

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Wed, 02-27-2013 - 12:41pm
It wasn't a girl's night. Our mutual guy friend was there, too. Although she has invited him along when I've really needed a girl's night or when it was supposed to be just girls. Not often, though, and she's not the only one who does it. I used to have a friend like you describe and I just can't hang out with her anymore. I can't stand the controlling behavior (from both of them) and fights. He's forbidden her from hanging out with me if he's not there because I'm single, so that was pretty much the end of that friendship. The thing with this guy I don't get- he's rude, crude, insensitive, etc. yet not two minutes later he offered to help finish my basement for beer. He tells me I look nice and never directs any insults towards me specifically. He insults pretty much all other women, though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Wed, 02-27-2013 - 11:06am

Ok...so let me understand this...so your gf stated that her husband was going to go along for the 'GIRL'S NIGHT?!! Ok does your friend have a strong bone in her body oor is she just a useless jellyfish who don't speak up for herself?WHY would ANYONE sya they're going to bring their boyfriend or husband to a GIRL'S night??!!! That doesn't make any sense!!Is this something that always happen with her...she takes her husband to these girl's nights?!! I feel that he's a controling person and wants to be in the mix with her friends. hey I bet if he told her that he was going to have a guy's night out...Im sure his wife would not be there because he would say NO...like SHE should have said NO to him going with you guys. A girls night is just what that means...ONLY girls..going out having fun..getting away from stresses in your lifes...YOU shouldn't feel bad about saying what was on your minds.Obviously everyone else just didn't want to upset the apple cart which is the controlling obnoxious husband.I rcently was in a similiar situation with a friend.She has been with her ex bf/exhusband now for I believe 3 or 4 years.He's possessive..controlling.It eventually caused me to write her an e-mail last year stating that I basically would ONLY want to hang out with her and it would have to be somewhere else besides her own home because he would always want to be in the mix with her friends.He always wants to know who she it talking to on the phone..ALWAYS...anyways she aware of all of this and knows that ALL her friends don't like him so we don't go visit her at HER house because of HIM.I think it's a very sad state to be in in a relationship BUT this is what they have chosen for themselves....so we as friends don't have to put up with it....Don't put up with it anymore.Have you ever sat her down and stated to her what a girls night is???Have you asked her why she feels that she should invite her husband to one??I am curious to know her answers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 02-24-2013 - 4:10pm

OK then I'll stop suggesting it.  lol  It seemed like although you have your karaoke nights & such, that you aren't that happy with the people who you go with, so it would be a way to meet new people.  And by extension, if you widen your social circle, there is more opportunity for meeting new men.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 02-24-2013 - 4:01pm

Sometimes they become even more obnoxious so I'm glad speaking up worked in this instance ;)

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sun, 02-24-2013 - 2:27pm
Saying something does actually change his behavior for the night. Apparently he's even worse around her other female friends. There's one he intentionally tries to offend because he doesn't like her and thinks it's funny. He won't change as a person, but he does tone it down for me. I was actually in a great mood most of the night. It was just when I came home that it all hit me. I suppose I should be blunt about the whole meetup thing. It doesn't matter how many times someone suggests it, I'm not interested in them at all. I like the things I do socially. I enjoy myself. I just don't always enjoy the people who happen to come along.
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 02-24-2013 - 12:54pm

My brother is a bit of a misogynist.  I am finally learning this after 40 years.  He allegedly told his 14 year old, who's wanting to join the military after graduating, that all she will be able to do in the military is sweep floors.  He's also somewhat racist and my best friend is black.  Just by being himself, he's offensive.  I think there is actually something wrong with him.  I don't think there was much growth or maturity beyond the age of fifteen although, he went on to graduate from college and has had a semi-successful career in the medical field.  

Letting you know all of that because there is no changing people like this . . . Sometimes it's just not worth the breath.  It's very sad and I have no idea where he gets his personality because it's certainly not from either of my parents.  The handful of times that I've tried to redirect his thinking, he either turns it into a joke or he gets angry.  The truth is, I think he's a miserable person and I think that people like your friend's husband, who live in these tiny square boxes and cannot see past themselves or try to grow as human beings are miserable as well.  They are missing out on so much with their naivete.  I know why you spoke up and I get it.  However, I've learned that with some people, there is just no point.  They don't get it nor do they care.  I feel sorry for them that they live in such a boring, skewed, one dimensional state of reality.  

As far as someone trying to make you feel badly because you wanted your GF to get out and have some fun, in lieu of the fact that she's a mother well, poo-poo on them.  I have a friend who has two small kids.  She and her hubby still make time to socialize and have regular date nights.  I think it's a healthy practice, not something they should be ashamed of . . . Whoever made that comment to you needs to grow up.

If your friends husband poisoned your mood, you may have been giving off an aura you were unaware of . . . Or maybe people weren't actually ignoring you, but you were too far deep into your own thoughts and it was causing some paranoia.  

You didn't do anything wrong and I hope you meet some new people with better vibes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 02-24-2013 - 12:50pm

It's difficult when you have a married friend and you don't like the spouse.  Luckily I've never really been in that situation.  I think you have to make plans to go out w/ the married friends that are obviously "girls only" and if that means that you don't go to a club at night w/ the woman w/ the awful DH, then that's better than being stuck with the jerk for the night.  Try to make an effort to find more single friends.

I know I asked you this before, but I don't remember if you answered--are there any meetup groups or singles groups for activities near where you live?  I find that kind of thing a life saver.  I'd say 4 yrs ago when I got divorced, I had 2 single friends--now I have a big group, mostly from joining dancing lessons but also from some meetup groups.