I have been called selfish for...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2001
I have been called selfish for...
20
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 12:32pm

Perhaps Im weird specie or I don’t know, because I think Im the only person on this universe that is like me.

Here is my status
Personal data: 34 yrs old

Civil Status: Single, no kids, never married before.
Romance: Never had a boyfriend before or dated in my life, therefore Im a virgin.
The reason? I don’t know and good question

Work stability: I have run with bad luck. For the last 9 yrs I have had bad luck finding a steady and/or stable job since I graduated as a bilingual secretary. My job experience has been focuses on permits, maternity leaves, and temporary jobs. That is why my resume has several jobs in different places, because I have never stayed in a job for more than 6 months. Im always hoping from one place to another one, because that is the way workplaces have hired me and want to hire me, they only want temporary jobs at first perhaps with a permanent position in the future, but since they haven’t given me the chance to build an experience so how can I possibly be a permanent employee if they don’t hire me for much time.

For most companies they do that because of social employee charges (extra expenses) so they prefer hire someone and pay only for the job done thru a Staff agency and in less time, not pay extra expenses such as employee insurance, benefits, etc. Also I have luckily found jobs thru networking, thru friends; otherwise I would not have found jobs. Currently for example Im working in a tiny tiny office and I have been here for almost 8 months now (the longest I have stayed so far in a job) and even though I gain some money I don’t have enough money for example to plan to get married or much less have kids now. I’m not financially stable, when now everything is more expensive than other years and life today is harder than other years. I don’t even have a car, never had one.

Companies haven’t really given me a chance to build an experience, so I have been to different jobs in different places.

I think Im likeable to people, people have told (in the workplaces I have been so far) me im easy going, attractive, nice person, funny, but it seems guys don’t get interested in me even if I gain my own money, I don’t have enough money to get married much less be ready for kids when now everything is more expensive than other years, for example.

I was chatting with an online male friend from another country. He is 24 yrs old, he is an engineer, he works and still studying and he is not a virgin, he has dated before, he had some experience. He is so so surprised that at my age Im still a virgin knowing that times change and at this time a woman is no longer a virgin anymore because at these times girls loose their virginity very young unlike past years.

This male friend asked me that Im running out of my biological time to have babies, because the older a women get it is more dangerous to get pregnant. That I do agree with him. He asked me that why I don’t have a baby at my age, that at my age I should be married with kids already, knowing that kids are a God blessing and most women want babies and how come I don’t want babies, if Im a woman.

I told him that it is not that I don’t like babies, babies are so cute, but knowing my financial stability status, my romantic life (noone at this moment), it is not just that I will go and pick a guy from the street and have a kid with him and period, because Im running out of time.

A kid is a big responsibility; kids require needs in every aspect, education, etc. So far I cannot give a kid a good stability because I don’t have permanent jobs, I don’t gain a lot of money in order to support a baby and it is unfair for a baby that he or she lacks of essential needs and most important I have to find the right guy first, I man, a partner, a person who I will be married to, my boyfriend first and then if the relationship goes ok I get marry to him and start a family not just some guy out there who can get me pregnant and that is it. Also I don’t like to be a single mom, I want a partner who is there with me, who supports me, I mean a husband, be married, etc.

With all of this Im not saying that I don’t like babies, I mean at this moment Im not ready to be a mom, Im not rushing to be a mom soon. To have a baby is something that needs to be planned carefully and thoroughly with your partner. But hey, since im still single and no boyfriend not even married why should I have to rush to become a mother? Just because society dictates that?

Kids are wonderful and so does babies, but if a woman cannot give that baby what he or she needs is better not to have them, it will be unfair for them. I consider myself responsible in this case; I don’t want a baby to suffer because I could not give him what he or she needs in terms of education, health, well being, and loving parents (need to be married first) and besides I dont own house. Another thing is that my parents are not in the age anymore of taking care or watch out for grand children.

So this friend tells me that he is sad to hear what I think. That if by any chance I have heard in vitro fertilization, adoption or being a single mom, those are good ways to become a mother he says, because im running out of time and if I don’t have a partner in the future those are the only options I can get to become a mother. That is why I told him I don’t like to be a single mom; I know there are single moms out there who do a brilliant job raising their kids by themselves, but I bet it is difficult for them not to have the support and aid, either from the baby’s father or the guy they currently have as a partner.

This friend tells me Im being selfish because I only think of myself and I don’t think that it is a blessing to create a new life from me only because Im not ready to become a mom yet or because Im afraid to be a mother.

Am I being selfish or not? Now Im really confused. Is it bad not be a mother at all in this hectic life?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 1:04pm

No it is not wrong at all to not feel the desire/need to have children, what is wrong is knowing you don't want/can't handle children but would have them anyways because of what others think you should and then not being able to care for them properly. I applaud single moms but I can't think of any that I know who started out with those intentions, the ones I know love their children dearly but they do struggle financially and are stressed because the ex boyfriend/husband does not support his share. It's not to say that they would have chosen differently had they known what would happen but I think it is foolish to have a child just for the sake of having one when you know you cannot support one properly, aside from finances as you said, they require a lot of work and time and God forbid you have a child with any sort of birth defect or illness which would require even more financial stability and time.

I am 28 and personally unsure I want children at all, I am someone who loves their life as it is although I would like to find someone to spend it with at some point, children do not enter the picture when I envision my future. I do not feel a strong maternal bond towards having children and have little desire to have any of my own. I don't want the responsibility frankly (at least not now) and I would be fulfilled with friends/family having their own children that I could bond with and love. I realize I'm the exception amongst many women but that is just how I feel. There are plenty of people in this world having children so I'm hard pressed to think the world would stop if I didn't decide to have one as well ;)

Your male friends needs to worry about himself, if all he has to offer is archaeic opinions about women (is he from a traditional culture?) and trying to dictate your life for you then you may want to stop talking to him and tell him it's none of his business.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 3:36pm
I don't think you are being selfish at all. You're being responsible by acknowledging the fact that you can't afford a baby and it is sad when women intentionally bring a baby into this world when they can't afford to give him/her a decent life. Although I don't think it is a bad thing not to ever have children I think it is sad situation because having a child and becoming a mother is the most beautiful experience that a woman can go through.
BABY #3!!
 
Pregnancy ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 4:41pm

You state this as though it is a "fact". Its simply an opinion.
For you, maybe it would be the most beautiful experience. But not for *all* women. In fact, some women regret having had kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 4:52pm

>You state this as though it is a "fact". Its simply an opinion.
For you, maybe it would be the most beautiful experience. But not for *all* women. In fact, some women regret having had kids.

Where in my post do I claim that it is a fact that "all" women find it a beautiful experience to be a mother? Furthermore, I didn't even use the word all so your interpretation of my post was incorrect. I'm giving my own personal opinion and I stand by it and your comment that some women regret having children is quite disturbing especially if these mothers have young children under their care.

BABY #3!!
 
Pregnancy ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 4:57pm

You're friend is quite the lecturer, isn't he!

Maru, you are very smart and mature and self-LESS and very grounded in your views.

Ignore your friend and always do what is best for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 5:12pm

As long as you realize that its just an opinion, and nothing more. It is certainly not a fact. A lot of women have very fulfilling, happy lives without ever having kids. Also, many married couples have wonderful marriages - even if they never have kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Sat, 07-02-2005 - 12:34pm

>This friend tells me Im being selfish because I only think of myself

Is he so altruistic why isn't he helping sick and starving people in third world countries? Your friend is giving you nothing more than his (ridiculous) opinion. What gives him the right to judge you? Although he doesn't come across as mature I expect he reached puberty around 8-10 years ago, so if he isn't a father that makes him selfish too.

Also, you say he isn't a virgin and I assume he isn't a father either. This makes him worse because he is having sex for pleasure rather than to save the human race from extinction. How selfish of him! Tell him to stop working and start procreating immediately!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Sun, 07-03-2005 - 7:07am

Maru1962,

Okay, well I guess I must be selfish as well because I'm 31 and I don't have children so you're in good company :-)

First of all, I don't think that it's healthy to be chatting to people who who are negative and put you down. This 24 year old child has no right to dicate to you how you should live your life. Second of all, I think being a virgin at 34 is a very admirable thing and you should be proud of this.

I know it's really hard when total strangers feel they have the right to put you down about the choices that you have made. There are so many women like you on these boards. I thought I would be married at 27 and it just didn't happen. Men have proposed to me and I could be married but I have never found anyone that I wanted to marry and like you, I'm not going to marry anyone so I can conform to societal expectations.

I don't think you are being selfish at all. In fact, I think you have brought up a lot of valid points about not being financially stable to bring up a child. A baby is a very expensive commodity and it's not something that you do on a whim or because all your friends are having babies or you feel that you are getting too old. These are not reasons to have a child.

Feisty

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 8:54am

"This male friend asked me that Im running out of my biological time to have babies, friend asked me that Im running out of my biological time to have babies. That I do agree with him. He asked me that why I don’t have a baby at my age, that at my age I should be married with kids already, knowing that kids are a God blessing and most women want babies and how come I don’t want babies, if Im a woman." --


Wow!!! Now that is friendship!


"friend asked me that Im running out of my biological time to have babies"-- Obvious and innapropriate statement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 9:17am

Alex,

It's times like this that I'm glad you're a contributer to the board ... let's not talk about the other times. Group hug anyone? :-p

Feisty

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