I just need to vent..feeling alone..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
I just need to vent..feeling alone..
13
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 4:28pm

Hi there..I just need ot vent a little and if anyone has insights or advice to share.. please feel free! I am in my late 20's and single. I can handle being single and am quite independent even in relationships. I value my friendships with people a lot and I am always there for my friends.

So there's the thing.. I have a friend whose seeing this guy who is leaving the country for an unknown amount of time in the next few weeks. We had plans to hang out this week but when I asked her about it again today she said she didn't know yet and will let me know by the end of the day but for me to make my own plans. I was irritated by her answer because I don't flake on ppl and I don't appreciate being flaked on as well. Maybe she is holding out her schedule to see what the guy she is seeing wants to do but I hate being in that positon or on that side of friendship.. does anyone know or understand what I am feeling? Am I over-reacting?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 4:42pm

simple days...

It's nothing personal against you, but "your friend" is waiting for the MALE OFFER before making any plans with you! Of course the waiting drives you nuts, but what can you do?

One thing for certain....when the man leaves the country for places unknown....YOU'LL SUDDENLY BECOME MISS POPULARITY WITH YOUR FRIEND!

Cheer up! We all have those kind of days! Please settle for a pair of hugs...okay?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 4:53pm

Coming from someone who understands the other side of things (my boyfriend just moved to another country for a two year assignment, last week), I can tell you that I did the exact same thing. Are my friends second place? Hell, no! But when you know you have limited time with the person you love, and you don't know what will happen after they leave, you want to spend as much time as possible on those very last days, so you'll have no regrets when they leave. I told that to all my friends, that I wanted to spend as much time as I could with him before he left, then afterwards I'd be free, and that I will NEED their support and understanding.

It was very tough, and it still is not having him around. Yes, I'm independent as well, but it is very different when the other person is leaving... Don't be mad at your friend, don't take it personally and be there for her. She'll need you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 4:53pm

Thanks Pianoguy but it just drives me crazy sometimes. Most of my girl-friends seem to plan their time around the guy in their life.. I am just wishing that I had more girl-friends who aren't that way..

I don't want to be the seasonal ms popularity.. just friendships that I can count on..

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 4:55pm

Yep, I absolutely understand.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 4:57pm

The difference is that you told your friends you'd be unavailable for awhile.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 5:06pm
Yes, we had plans made. What happened was I asked her if she was interested in going to this social function an she said yes..that sounds like fun. I asked today to confirm and thats when she said i'll let you know at the end of the day but go ahead and make your own plans. She did a similar thing to me yesterday. We talked about hanging out yesterday last Friday except when I called her yesterday and asked if she wanted to head out..she said that she and her out of town friend was going to hang out instead. I understand that her friend and the guy she is seeing may be here for a limited amount of time and that I am here always but to me, plans are plans..
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 5:08pm
I did tell all my friends. But I also had friends calling me asking me out and I had to say no many times, or say "let me see what he has planned first". Don't get me wrong though, my boyfriend didn't just leave me, but his friends as well, so I ended up hanging out a lot with them, and unless it was a small gathering at someone else's house, I always invited my friends out to join us (though to be honest they didn't come once).
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2005
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 5:28pm

You're so right, it's very, very annoying!

I always think to myself, "you wait till you break up with him, then I'll be too busy to hang out" but, of course, when it happens, I head straight round with the box of tissues and tub of ice cream!

Satisfy yourself with feeling smug that you're just a better friend than them! (cold comfort I know)

x

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-11-2005 - 6:08pm

simple days...

It's probably tough to believe at times....but YOU are actually in control of the people you wish to hang out with. Sometimes waiting for them to make the move towards you ISN'T ALWAYS THE BEST PLAN!

Maybe you need to connect with a few people who don't have a lot of 'primary alternatives' and are free to enjoy your company instead?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Tue, 07-12-2005 - 1:25pm
I feel ya Simple_days...I had a friend who did the EXACT same thing. There were three of us, and one met a man that eventually became her boyfriend/fiance/husband. We were upset at first that she went immediately from hanging with us every weekend, to NEVER hanging out anymore. We got over it and agreed that we didnt have an issue with her spending the majority of her time with him, it's just when she made feeble attempts to hang ont every blue moon, it would only be becuase he was doing something else that didn't include her. I agree with you, if you want to hang out with a friend, make plans and stick to them. Don't just use me as a back-up or alternate!
Leeya

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