I need advice ASAP...Please!!!!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I need advice ASAP...Please!!!!
14
Wed, 11-05-2003 - 1:09pm
Hey Everyone!

I really some advice ASAP. I'm interested in this guy and I think (am really not sure ) he's interested in me. But there's a couple of factors here that I'm not so sure about. First of all he is a friend of mine. We aren't really, really close friends...but we have the same group of friends and we all hang out all the time. Also, I'm 23 and he's 20...but I don't really think that the age thing is too much of a factor because it matters what i think and on the individual. And I also know 30 years olds who are less mature than this guy. What I am most concerned about is that one of my best friends use to be interested in this guy and I am not completely sure that she is over him. I don't want to talk to her about it before knowing if he's interested....but I don't want to start anything with him before talking to her! I am in such a tight spot right now because I really like this guy and I value my friendship with her.

-- And on a different note, how can I find out if he's interested without coming right out and asking? He's given little hints here and there...like asking me if I've ever gone out with a younger guy and constantly telling me how good I look (I've lost a lot of weight in the past few months due to a break up).

So he's coming over tonight with his DVD player so we can watch a movie at my place and I just want everyones honest opinion on this...but I know I've been rambling so I might not have even asked an actual question! lol Sorry for the novel everyone.

Help!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-05-2003 - 1:18pm
You will know if he asks you out in advance on a date that he plans - not just watching a movie at your place - which I think is a little risky/potentially confusing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Wed, 11-05-2003 - 1:42pm
Two issues come to mind:

"...one of my best friends use to be interested in this guy and I am not completely sure that she is over him. I don't want to talk to her about it before knowing if he's interested....but I don't want to start anything with him before talking to her! I am in such a tight spot right now because I really like this guy and I value my friendship with her."

Well, which means more to you: the date, or your friendship? All I know is, if a "friend" of mine knew I was interested in a guy, and that I may not yet be "over him," I'd think twice about starting anything w/the guy. And if you do start, don't count on your GF much longer--and I really wouldn't blame her for it, since she would KNOW you didn't value your friendship w/her that much.

The second issue is, is this a "cheap date?" I agree w/the last poster. There's a big difference between a "cheap date" w/a guy you're already involved w/; in a sense, that's just the "ebb and flow" of the romantic tides between you two b/c you're already an "established" couple.

W/a "cheap first date," that's usually all it is--and I'd think the guy was interested in only 1 thing--especially w/a 20 yo male whose hormones are probably still raging.

One more time: if a man is interested in you, he'll actively let you know w/out doubt; part of "letting you know" is caring enough about you to have a worthwhile date. A DVD at your place doesn't fall into this category--and certainly not on a first date; that would be tricky, IMO.

Ash

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 11-05-2003 - 3:58pm
Yeah..I totally hear what you are all saying but thats the whole reason I am a little unsure right now. Since we are friends, we hang out all the time. Watching a movie at my place or someone elses place isn't the most uncommon thing. He probably is a little nervous to ask me out because he isn't sure if I would say yes...its not like I've really let him know that I am interested. We are all friends so its kind of an icky situation. Him and my friend are best friends. She let him know in the summer that she was interested in him but it was too late...he didn't want to change the friendship that they had. I think that she is over it but I want to make sure that he is interested before I have a talk with her about it.

The thing is that she's friends with both of us and if she sees the potential of us getting together and actually being happy...I think that giving us the go ahead would be the right thing to do. I know that if I was in that position...as hard as it would be I would do the same. But she doesn't talk about it so I am just not really sure!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Wed, 11-05-2003 - 4:28pm
I understand, but you have to understand the nuances of what could happen before anything even starts.

If this clown is that interested in you, he'd make damn sure to go "out of his way" to "impress" you, so to speak. IOW, when you go to a job interview, you don't go in a pair of old jeans; you wear your best suit and "bone up" on the company that you want to work for (I would, anyway).

The same thing applies here. If he thinks he can date you "on a shoestring," then that's the kind of treatment you can expect henceforth; you allowed HIM to set the tenor of the r'ship. If the tenor is "cheap date" from the onset, that's what you can expect as long as you're w/him.

I still feel, however, that, if GF was interested in him, and she knew YOU knew how she felt, she'd still feel betrayed. If it was me, I'd look elsewhere, if only b/c you already know he's the "movie at your place" kind of guy, so what have you really lost? I'm not saying that you should demand limo service; it's just that, if you want a little more "top drawer" treatment, you have to establish that AT THE ONSET.

However, if you really want to date this guy--don't be surprised if GF backs away from you. I know I would; it would feel too much like betrayal, and I'm not sure I'd want to tell you about the next guy I'm interested in b/c you might "move in" on him.

And don't get ahead of yourself. "The potential of us getting together and actually being happy" is only in YOUR head right now, not his.

Ash

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 11-07-2003 - 3:51pm
OK. I think that there is a bit of a misunderstanding here...and I'm pretty sure that its my fault. He isn't being a cheap date by any means. We are friends and this is the sort of thing we do all the time...and he does take me out for drinks all the time too. The only reason why we watch movies at my place is because his roommates are a little loud and annoying and I have my own place anyways so its a lot more convenient to have people over obviously.

But I guess none of this really matters too much because I spoke to my friend last night and she is not over him yet. She basically "forbade" me to date him. Its kind of sad though because he already made it clear to her months ago that nothing will ever happen between them because he doesn't want to ruin their friendship. So basically he likes me, I like him and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it because I am good person and will not pursue without my friends blessing. I wouldn't be so upset if this was just some guy but it isn't. I am friends with him because of the kind of guy he is and it really hurts that there probably won't ever be anything between us because my friend is so juvenile that she just can't let go of something she never had in the first place. No one needs to get defensive about that remark. It is simply my bitterness towards my girlfriend. This guy and I have such a good time together and get along sooo well. I just don't think that its fair that because she can't have him...no one can. Maybe thats me being selfish or a "bitch" but I really can't help it.

All in all I am going to talk with him about it. We will never get together but I think that he needs to talk to her and help her get over him. Since they are best friends its the only way to do things. Not me or any of my other friends can help her because they all think that we should get together so none of them really want to have anything to do with her right now. So basically she is losing all of her friends because of a stupid crush....whereas I am never going to be able to act on my stupid crush because of 1 friend. At least I can look at myself in the mirror though and know that I did the right thing....I hope :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Fri, 11-07-2003 - 4:19pm
Not to be "defensive"...but just b/c your friend "is so juvenile that she just can't let go of something she never had in the first place" doesn't mean YOU have it w/this guy, or ever will.

Don't forget, this is YOUR perception, not the guy's. HE'S probably getting off over these 2 girls who think he's sooo hot, so to him it's more of an ego trip than it is a genuine interest in either girl.

Myself, I wouldn't want to "get lost in traffic," so whoever wants him can have him and probably deserves him.

Ash

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 11-11-2003 - 12:42pm
Well....this whole thing has taken a bit of a turn.

My guy is hardly enthused about the entire situation. As it turns out, he took me out to dinner the other night and I discussed the fact that my girl friend is still very much hung up on him. He was extremely surprised and wasn't pleased at all. As it turns out, at the time of our little discussion, he had no idea that I had a thing for him...but he was going to talk about us going out. But my girl friend knew that he had a thing for me which she completely kept to herself...for obvious reasons. And one thing that I never realized is that her calling me so much lately has nothing to do with her wanting to hang out with me....it was just by pure coincidence that each time she called me, me and my guy were out together.

So this is basically what it comes down to. We really like eachother and want to "officially" start seeing eachother. He is going to have a talk with her because he wants to make her understand that by her behaviour, she is really pushing their friendship to the limit. This is kind of against my wishes...but he needs to do this for them. And he needs her to understand that if she really cares for him and wants him to be happy, then she is going to have to let it go and move on...because he wants to...or is going to....start seeing me regardless. At this point I feel really caught in the middle of things. I thought that it was my fault at first..but then I realized that he was going to ask me out anyways so this was going to happen regardless.

I don't know what is going to happen...and I really wish that things weren't so complicated but I guess thats the way that its going to be. You don't find someone that you are so compatible with everyday...and he's been under my nose for a while. We only recently started hanging out together on more of a solo basis and I guess we both realized that we are really good together.

To be continued....



Avatar for schnappsers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-11-2003 - 12:53pm
I'm a little confused. Didn't you say you weren't going to pursue a relationship with him because your friend still likes him? Have you changed your mind about that? Also, why do you call him "my guy" when you're not even "officially" dating?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-11-2003 - 2:40pm

So...it sounds like the bottom line is, you are willing to sacrifice your friendship for this guy.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 11-11-2003 - 3:09pm
I just figured it sounded better than saying "the guy"..."my guy" friend??

I didn't think that I was going to primarily because of the fact that I wasn't sure if he had a thing for me. But now I find out that he had a thing for me for a while but was a little shy about the whole thing and he wasn't sure how I felt.

I really like him and I really want to go out with him...have practically been seeing him anyways. Its just that I've never been in a situation like this one and I don't really think that i would be completely in the wrong to go out with him. My gf never went out with him and she's just being possessive over something that she never had.

Ugh...I don't know. This whole thing is really confusing and aggrivating. We like eachother so why do things have to seem so darn complicated???

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