i need help accepting the truth

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2003
i need help accepting the truth
6
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 2:11am

My ex and I broke up over a year ago but since then we've been friends with benefits. I started to date someone but it fell through and as far as I know he hasn't dated anyone since we broke up.
Anyway, the other day we got into a really small tiff. It was stupid and I thought we would just let it pass but since then he hasn't contacted me or responded to my emails or anything. He usually calls me a lot (I know, it's so dumb) but I think I should just take it as a sign that he really just doesn't care, period. We broke up because I want to get married and he doesn't and we dated for a few years and I just got really tired of waiting for something to happen.

I think it's high time that I stop seeing him, stop text messaging him, take Greg Behrendt's advice and let him go for good but it's so hard because I will always feel a connection to him. I think I honestly just need to move away across the country to get him out of my life but I can't do that right now. I wish this could be easier and i blame myself for allowing him back into my life as a weekly hookup. but it has to stop. I just wish I could get out of our city for good, do SOMETHING to make this easier. It hurts to know that he really doesn't want to talk to me, could care less and is probably using our little fight as a way to separate for good. How can I get stronger? I should enjoy being single and date more but it's just been too hard.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 12:46pm

Well, it's hard to date when you're not over your ex. And even though you've been officially broken up for a year, you've been hooking up regularly so you haven't really had a chance to get over him.

So you know what you need to do...no contact. How do you do it? One day at a time...you make the decision and you stick to it. Make a list of the reasons why you need to do this to read every day, if necessary. It's not so much a matter of being strong as knowing why contacting him isn't a good idea and recognizing what the consequences will be if you continue to contact him. Do you really want to find yourself in this position a year from now? If you have the Greg Behrendt book, I'd suggest that your first order of business is to line up a breakup buddy to support you through this as he suggests.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 1:17pm

Sheri is right. The longer you hold onto your ex, the harder it will be to meet anyone new. People can "sense" when you're really single rather than hung up on an ex. The perfect guy could be right under your nose right now and you wouldn't even know it because you're preoccupied with someone who doesn't share your life goals.

You deserve happiness and for all your dreams to come true, so it's time to face your fears about being alone and use this time to find out how strong you really are. Use this time to find out about who you are, join some new activities, take courses, make new friends. Work out to feel good and look fabulous. Make yourself the number one priority and enjoy this freedom because it is a unique and temporary part of your life that you might even miss once it's over.

Sending you strnght and all the very best - from one single gal to another. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 1:54pm

For me, the only way to really get someone out of my system is to cut of all contact.
ALL of it - no e-mail, no calls, and definitely no FWB.

It is so easy to want to maintain that little tie (or a big one) to someone who knows you well and is a 'known entity.' You shared a lot with him, and it can be scary to say goodbye forever to someone who might be somewhat of a security blanket. However, I don't think you can truly open yourself up to someone new until you let go of the past. Letting go of him, and communication with him, is the first step.

Good luck. I do know how hard it is, and I've been there myself. It's like a band-aid - rip it off all at once.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2003
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 6:06pm
I guess deep down I just hate the idea of finding out that he has a new girlfriend and or get married because I'd feel so used, betrayed, duped, just rejected to the upteenth degree. It's almost as if I'd like to sabotage any chance of him finding anyone else and being happy because he hurt me so much but I know that's wrong. I almost want him to be miserable and it's not a good way of looking at it but if I do find out he's with anyone else all I would think is why not me? After three years he decides I'm just not good enough?
A while ago I was talking to a straight male friend about the situation and he said to me that he knew from the moment I told him about the situation that the relationship wasn't going anywhere and that there's no way it should take a guy that long to decide if he wants to be with me permanently.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 6:39pm

The thing is, in the process of making him miserable,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 7:59pm

I kind of know someone in a very similar situation, and it doesn't appear good for either the girl or the guy. Not sure if they are FWB actually, but just hanging around each other seems to be enough. It looks like she likes the hold she has on him still, and he gets pouty after he talks to her and is apparently having a bit of trouble moving on (according to her) even though he's the one who broke up with her, for the same marriage reasons as in your case (according to him).

The little I've gleaned is because I tried to date the guy. I know you would not like me since I would have been the 'new girl', but mainly I'm an outsider who took enough of an interest in the situation to see it clearly! I tried to believe him about how they "get along great now", but nothing I've seen backs that up. I have no idea if the ex-girlfriend had anything to do with us not working out, but what I saw of their interaction screamed "unhealthy!!!!!" to both me and my friends, and regardless of me, I really wished for his sake he'd break the ties with her, because it's so easy to stay in a safe place even if it's not a good place, but from the little I saw it made him noticeably unhappy. Plus, I can't imagine the girl reallly feels great about thwarting his attempts to move on, consciously or actively or not (because apparently by just being there he's still a bit attached), but I don't blame her because it's totally human nature. Basically, she's said he's having a hard time fully getting over her, and I feel like if that's true and if she really cared for him, the mature thing to do would be to let him go so he can truly move on.

This is what your ex has done it looks like - thank him (to yourself) regardless of his reasons for doing so. It's a blessing.

I can not recommend enough to start the clean break from him TODAY. That's what I did with my 4yr ex (who also had marriage issues, welcome to the club) earlier this year and I cannot recommend it enough. It still took a while to get over the breakup, but I never would have gotten this far if I had had ANY contact with him. F*ck maturity, being 'adults' and 'I can handle it' -whatever, grieve privately and make a new life for yourself. You said you wish you could move, but I've managed to carve a new life for myself in a mostly-college town when before, I barely had my own friends left and all of ours were mutual, personally and professionally. You can do it. I'm way happier now, with my new life, than I was before and I know you can be, too.

Also, my example above illustrates that he and YOU could be missing out on good new relationships because you're still tethered to each other. I feel like I lost a good guy for some reason, and can't help but think his ties with his ex contributed just a little. There might be some great guy out there thinking the same thing about you right now.