i need some help on this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2006
i need some help on this...
2
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 11:02pm
ok so i know it's really bad, but im single and i tend to have sex with guys that have girlfriends. I haven't dated in a while so i am just kind of nervous i guess that when i start dating again, if im not going to trust the guy becuase i think he will cheat on me. since that is what like every guy i meet is like. would it like effect my future?
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 5:21am

Hmmm. You're getting involved (or just having sex) with men who already have girlfriends, so by definition they are cheaters to begin with. Every time you do this, you reinforce your belief that all men are cheaters.

This sounds like a self-esteem issue to me, taurusgirl. I don't know how old you are, but you sound like you may be young, like in your 20s. In answer to your question "will this affect me?" I say most definitely YES. My hope for you is that you spend some time figuring out why you feel you don't deserve a healthy, committed relationship with a man who doesn't cheat. I hate to think about what years of low self-esteem and bad relationships will do to you.

And hey, it's OK to not date for a while.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 1:23am

Hi TaurusGirl,

First off, you are not a bad person or evil based on the things you have been doing- though you won't get much respect from the masses. Obviously, you instinctually realize what you are doing is wrong, and even more so was a short-lived, fake substitute for the real thing. Taken men go back to their girlfriends. The feeling these men give you of being desired, of you being in full control, no risk of getting hurt, etc is all gone once they are out of the door. It doesn't work, you have to experience something real to get the real feelings. You can't avoid being scared by using something trivial.

Also, with new singles you meet you should know not every man is like the ones you were drawing yourself to. Don't worry about that, by working on self esteem and self worth does wonders for selecting the right man for you. Once you value yourself, your significant other will have this kind of respect and admiration for how you carry yourself- you will be the apple in his eye.

You've had an experience that wasn't representative of who and what great experiences are out there. I would say to discover why you were drawn to put yourself in situations such as you did with the men that you did will help you on the road to a new outlook. You will have to open up, be vunerable, not in control, and all of those things you may have avoided before in order to reach the good stuff. As you found out, there is no easy shortcut to the best things in life- you have to work for them and face things that are uncomfortable to get there.

Work on this and yourself, and you will find a whole new confidence on dating, who you are with, and what you are capable of- with or without a man. If you can do this, you will truly have control over your own life, your fears of being vunerable, and who you let into your life- knowing no matter what, you will get the best out of life by finally being confident in yourself and attracting those worthy of experiencing wonderful new chances with you. Then you will see what true satisfaction is with someone real and having the confidence to put yourself out there no matter what- and knowing yourself and that you will be ok.
Enjoy your newfound experiences!