I really need advice...
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| Tue, 02-20-2007 - 3:57am |
I broke up with my long term boyfriend over a year ago and hadn't really met anyone who held my attention. Last month, I met a guy in my facutly and we started seeing each other for about 2 weeks before it was obvious that we were seeing each other exclusively.
We had been together for a month when Valentines day showed up. He wanted to take me out for dinner and bought chocolates but did everything on the day before Valentines day.
I was curious as to why.... turns out he broke up with his first love (a 5 year relationship) a month before we met and had promised to spend the day with her. He had never mentioned anything about an ex until i questioned him.
He has since apologized and said that he really is interested in continuing our relationship.
Should I forgive him for hiding his past from me and see where it goes. OR Should I break it off because he couldn't possibly be over her and I would always be compared to her?

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>...and I would always be compared to her?"<
I don't think *this* is what you should be worried about.
What *I* think you should be worried about is that you're dating a guy who was with a woman for five years. He's been severed from that relationship for two months (if I read that correctly). AND he made a PROMISE to spend Valentine's Day with HER - even though they were broken up.
Hmmm...
Now... why do you think he would do this?
I think you know the answer to this one. You just don't want to admit it. (*cough* - he's not over her/still in love with her - *cough*)
If I were you I would just stop seeing this guy. No matter how much you like him, you're the rebound. I'd get out now before you get hurt.
Why were they spending Valentines Day together? Did you ask him that because I think that's a little odd?
I would tread lightly with this guy. If it were me, I might take two steps back. Tell him that you can still date, but not exclusively. He needs to know that he has profoundly altered your ability to trust him. Besides, he doesn't sound like he needs to be jumping into another serious relationship this soon, especially, if he couldn't say no to this girl and spend Valentines with well, his Valentine.
Yep, that was my first impression, too.
What in the heck are you talking about?
Edited 2/20/2007 7:04 pm ET by redonculous
I see.
My take on your situation is a little different than most of the replies you've received, mainly because of how you posted your dilemma. You wrote, "Last month, I met a guy in my facutly and we started seeing each other for about 2 weeks before it was obvious that we were seeing each other exclusively."
Are you exclusive with him because you both agreed to it, or because you assumed you were based on the amount of time you are spending together, e.g.?
You wrote, "he broke up with his first love (a 5 year relationship) a month before we met and had promised to spend the day with her. He had never mentioned anything about an ex until i questioned him."
Okay, but maybe he wasn't ready to share the fact that he recently broke up with her. Many people don't tell all within the first month of dating. You've only been dating for a month. He didn't lie when you questioned him. Did you ask him why he promised to spend the day with her? Could it be because he cares about her and she was depressed? Could it be that he dumped her and felt bad for her? It really could be that he was being kind to her. Would that be so bad? It seems to me that you are jumping to conclusions when you should be asking more questions. If, in fact, he still has a spark with her, then you need to know that, but it could be that she is hurtting and he is trying to be nice, however misguided that might be of him.
You wrote, "Should I forgive him for hiding his past from me and see where it goes. OR Should I break it off because he couldn't possibly be over her and I would always be compared to her?"
He was with her for 5 years and you've known him a month. I don't see how you can say he was "hiding" his past from you. Maybe he just wasn't ready to talk about it. He definitely could be "over her" if he broke it off and he had been wanting out for some time. How do you know that until you discuss it? And you're just assuming that you would always be compared to her. Do you compare every subsequent man you date to your exes? I never have, and even if he does how do you know he wouldn't compare you favorably to his ex? Why do you assume you would come up short in comparison?
You two need to talk it out, and then make a decision if you want to proceed. I think that you don't really know each other, and that you have too many expectations, and that you make too many assumptions (at least based on what you posted).
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