i really resent this...
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| Fri, 02-09-2007 - 11:30pm |
I was out to lunch with a few married friends today and as always, whenever they meet with me they ask me if I'm seeing anyone. it's like I owe them a monthly report or something. then we get into a discussion about whether or not they'd date anyone with kids and I said no. then one of them keeps telling me i'm judgemental, and that i have to just let myself fall in love with anyone, and that women aren't supposed to be so judgemental, we're supposed to be more emotional... so i asked her, well, don't you have some basic standards that you like to meet? and she replied in front of everyone, well, maybe the reason why you're still single is because you just really don't want to get married.
i don't understand why she said that. it's not like i found it insulting, it's more that i feel like she's blaming me for my being single, as if i chose this life and if i didn't want to be single i'd go out with anyone who asked me out regardless of my basic standards.
experiences like this just make me not want to hang out with my married friends anymore.

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Girl, who are these friends of yours? I have several married friends and they never talk to me this way. Why don't you suggest, the next time the topic comes up, NOT discussing this topic ; )
I hate the "who are you dating now" questions too. Ugh. Sometimes, I just want to reply with: "Rita".
I'm with cfk_3. Who are these friends and why do they speak to you like that?! Of course, being the snarky one that I am, I have answers for their questions... guaranteed that they will never ask you the question again... of course, they may never speak to you again, either!
"Friend": Are you seeing anyone?
Me: Yes I am. Your husband.
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"Friend": Well, your standards are too high. That's why you're still single.
Me: And yours were "walks upright and breathes". That's why you're married.
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A comedienne once said:
I especially like the "Are you seeing anyone?" "Yes, your husband" one. There are two friends I have to use that one with. I'm sick of having to deal with that question from them. It's rude of them to keep on asking me this every other week. Yesterday I was starting to get a little agitated with them and it was showing. It got to the point where I just wanted to go home. It really is disrespectful when you get down to the crux of it all. I almost feel like they treat me like a child when they talk to me that way, like I'm some incompetent little kid who just can't make her life work the way it should and they have to chide me for it every time they see me. I really feel like if they keep it up the friendships are going to end because I'm going to make some snarky comment that hurts one of them.
I think they are the ones being judgemental.
I see communication as a two way process where if someone says/does something that I do not like then I am responsible in communicating that to that person. I find judging them (without them knowing it) does not serve me or the relationship very well. Now if that person continues to not respect how I feel and my request to "quit it" then I can decide on how I want to continue to interact with him/her from that.
Too often I have been with someone that I seemed to have bothered but he/she never communicated that to me. I did not have the opportunity to modify my behavior-words or to discuss that with the person because they never told me how it affected them.
Mark
Iv_nancy1000,
I forgot to mention that I don't date men who are divorced and/or have children and I don't particular care whether people think that is judgemental or not. I don't understand why people think that if someone is married before it shows they can make a commitment, I believe that it shows they can break one. For me, divorce isn't an option. It is disrespectful and patronising for your friends to speak down to you that way. I bet they are miserable as hell in their marriages. My best friend who is married with children is a very quietly confident and secure person and she would never speak to me in that way. Even though we have totally different lifestyles, she can understand how I feel and is always there to listen. I think every time they make a comment about your love life, you should direct the questions to their career or something they are not very happy about it and I think they will get it after a while. I had a relative who always asked me why I wasn't married. Her daughter had been married three times with three children to different fathers. I said I would rather be single at 30 than divorced at 35. She got it because she started talking about her child and she never asked me questions like that again. I really do think that people who make you feel that way are just projecting that they are unhappy in their own lives. Some people feel they need to get married at a certain age and settle. They seem to be happy but deep inside, they are not. They look at someone like you and me and they are jealous because we have are strong enough to be single and not conform to societal expectations and we are true to ourselves.
Feisty
I remember one of my ex's telling me a story about how he figured by this time in his life (this was about three years ago, he would have been 27) he would have been married and had kids. He said he dated a girl back when he was in his early 20's, and really couldn't stand her, but figured it was time to get married, and he liked the fact she had a big family to interact with his big family at holidays. I thought, how sad is that, he is getting so much pressure from outside sources to get married, or live up to some standard, that he actually considered marrying someone he did not get along with.
I've heard too many stories about people who just get married because it's the thing to do. I'm 28, and I've been around a few people that have got married just because everyone else is doing it.
GREAT suggestions on how to respond to those comments!
I agree with this topic. For me, most of the "Are you dating someone?" comes from relatives but my friends, on the other hand, are always trying to set me up - but with people who might meet their standards (which I am unable to determine any...). I have a hard time explaining why I'm not interested without offending them because they are married to and involved with the types of guys I would never consider dating. Maybe I'm particular but I don't date guys who haven't at least gone to college for a bachelor's degree (I just like having that in common), I won't date a smoker (might be different if I smoked too), and I also do not want to date a guy with kids already.
Another difficulty is conveying to my married and tied-down friends that I'm not that worried about being in a relationship at this early point in my life. My career comes first and most of my friends see marriage and settling down as the highlight of their lives.
I ask if my friends are dating or seeing anyone special out of pure curiosity and interest in their lives, not because I'm insecure, jealous or trying to put them down. I value my friendships just as much as I do my intimate relationship.
Its one of those damned if you do, damned if you dont things really...people want their married friends to take interest in their lives and when they do, its deemed as coming from ulterior motives or feelings. So which is it?? Some people are snarky and rude (as it obvious from the OP's experiences) but they are not all that way.
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