i really resent this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
i really resent this...
27
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 11:30pm

I was out to lunch with a few married friends today and as always, whenever they meet with me they ask me if I'm seeing anyone. it's like I owe them a monthly report or something. then we get into a discussion about whether or not they'd date anyone with kids and I said no. then one of them keeps telling me i'm judgemental, and that i have to just let myself fall in love with anyone, and that women aren't supposed to be so judgemental, we're supposed to be more emotional... so i asked her, well, don't you have some basic standards that you like to meet? and she replied in front of everyone, well, maybe the reason why you're still single is because you just really don't want to get married.

i don't understand why she said that. it's not like i found it insulting, it's more that i feel like she's blaming me for my being single, as if i chose this life and if i didn't want to be single i'd go out with anyone who asked me out regardless of my basic standards.

experiences like this just make me not want to hang out with my married friends anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 1:54am

Rubyshoes03,

I think this is the response of someone who is in a relationship who has forgotten what it is like to be single. I think it's quite obvious that if someone was in a relationship, that they would want to share that with their friends. Thus, asking whether your friends whether they have a boyfriend, for some is like rubbing salt into the wound. I have a successful career but for some people, the only measure of success is whether they are in a relationship. I really feel sorry for people like that who define their life by a man. Most people who do make a habit of asking these questions have nothing else to offer. There is a marked difference between asking a question out of curiosity or asking a question out of malice.

Feisty

Avatar for kelr10
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 10:59am

I agree with Feisty regarding asking the question out of curiosity or malice.

I think most of the times when relatives or married friends ask if you're seeing someone, they really don't know what else to say, it's just small talk.....but when the added sentences of "I wish you could find someone nice" or "blahblahblah is why you're not married yet" are added is when it pisses me off too lol.

It's irritating when it is implied that they somehow think/know you're not happy at all because you're single. Especially me, being 32 and never married - I don't -WANT- to be married or have kids >.>, yet people don't even believe me when I say that lol. "Oh you just haven't found that someone yet!" I don't understand at all :/ One of my best examples being an ex-boyfriend I was with for 3 years wanted to buy me a ring and wanted to constantly go look at them - I asked for a Playstation 2 instead. :x lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 1:11pm
Ok thats fine, but when Im out with my friends and the subject of relationships come up...they ask about mine and I ask about them. Talk talk...for like 5 minutes. Then its on to other subjects like career, school, television, celebrity gossip, trips, goals, hobbies, whatever. I feel sorry for people that do focus their entire life on their relationships or men and expect others to do the same. All I'm pointing out is that not all females who have single friends are doing it maliciously or because they've forgotten what its like. I know what its like to be single, I had a hard time dating as well. I was also pretty happy with my single status because I was focusing on school and work as well. I think that you have an underlying assumption about people in relationships and thats all they think about all the time. I can tell you from my own experience and the experiences of my own friends (single or attached) that assumption is not really true. Obviously we are not the majority, but I'm sure we are not the only ones who have healthy relationships and a healthy outlook on life.

Photobucket


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2006
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 2:15pm
hey, I'm going to reply without reading the other posts. First, you poor thing....talk about being judgemental! Your married friend is imposing her judgements on you because you are not married! Disgusting! It may be difficult to let go of such a friendship, but you will be happier avoiding this person in the future. It's not fair - these married friends, supposed friends that they still are, are actually secretly jealous of the freedom and independence that you have in your life as a single person who doesn't have to report to anyone. Either eat lunch with friends who have other interesting things to talk about than your love life, or... steer the conversation to another subject, or don't eat with them, don't listen to them and don't settle for less!
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 2:46pm
I agree. Sometimes one must stop and ask themselves why these so called friends are constantly shooting daggers in their direction. I personally look at it like this, if someone puts you in uncomfortable positions over and over again (assuming that you have communicated well with these friends) then they are not friends worth having.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 5:34pm
that's really the crux of the situation, that they make me feel uncomfortable and put on the spot all the time with a lot of my married friends. the conversations i have with them always turn to my single status. it isn't even as if i bring it up all the time anymore either. it's like, just when i'm starting to feel more comfortable as a single woman they have to open their mouths and start demanding answers from my for why i'm still single. it's not even like these particular women can relate. they were married before thirty, they don't know what it's like to be over 30 and never married and unless they get divorced, they will never know the feeling. i'm just tired of feeling like i'm being talked down to by them. i realize that most people ask about relationships as part of normal conversation, but a lot of these people speak to me once every one or two weeks and every time we talk they're asking for updates as if i owe it to them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 7:00pm

Thats really lame on their part. I do feel bad for you, maybe its better to look for new friends. Either that or just tell them you dont want to talk about it, and its none of their business. If they ask for a reason why, just say its because of how you make me feel about it.

Real friends shouldnt make you feel bad about yourself, whether its about relationships, work, careers, etc. You dont owe them anything.

Photobucket


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2006
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 9:28pm

feisty01,

I just want to say, you are one of the few posters on these boards I truly enjoy reading because your response is almost always dead on and insightful.

<>

Honestly, I have never thought of it this way. You gave me a totally new perspective. I do think it’s hard sometimes for us attached people to remember the challenges of being single. I have one friend who is both single and jobless. She is currently working for a temp agency and is not very happy about life. I find it hard to talk to her sometimes because I don’t know what to say. I tread lightly because I don’t want to offend her or make her feel worse than she already does, but that leaves us very little to talk about. When she asks me about my relationship, I give her a short synopsis and tell her things that will tend to make her laugh instead of feeling sad. When she asks me about my job, I too give her a short synopsis and don’t go into too much detail. I feel sorry for the predicament that she is in, and I wish I can help but don’t know how. I try not to ask her about job prospects and men, so then what’s left is boring family stuff which does not interest either of us. So I guess what I am trying to say that sometimes, it can be challenging for us too because we don’t always know the right thing to say and still keep a conversation flowing.

To all you girls who are strong enough to stay single instead of settle and cave to the society’s pressure, I applaud you. Too many women base their entire self-worth and life on whether they have a man, and to me, that’s sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 7:25am

I'm in total agreement with Mark.

Time to speak up as uncomfortable as it may make you this dynamic between your married friends and you isn't good. You sat through lunch feeling like a child being reprimanded and you took it like a child being reprimanded. Where was your voice saying, "stop treating me like this?"

You gotta speak up. Even if it's privately to the worst offender afterwards so as to not embarass them.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 11:55am

I have never felt that because I have a boyfriend, that my opinion carries more weight on this board. But if thats what you want to believe, thats fine. I'd rather you just ignore me and my posts because when I post something that you disagree with. I did just that yesterday when you posted about the CL's and their integrity or lack thereof as you seem to believe.

I think you need to look at the last line of your first paragraph and turn it around on yourself.

As for everybody else that may be reading this thread, I'm out of here. I liked this board because I liked the women on here. But if I'm not welcome by a select few, then fine. I'll go somewhere else. Its better for me anyway because I'll get myself in trouble around here if I continue to stay and read some of the stuff.

Photobucket