Like I shot his dog

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Like I shot his dog
10
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 11:14am

In the interest of space, I'll give you the soundbite version:

About a week ago, I had a great first date with a guy I met online (Match). Great conversation that lasted 4 hours, lots in common, great first kiss... He called the next day to say how great it was and to tell me thank you.

Then, a few days later, he found my profile on MySpace and called me, upset, thinking I was out to date a bunch of men. (I had taken my Match profile down b/c I canceled the account - so I think he thought I wasn't online at all anymore). We had an awkward phone conversation where I told him I only become exclusive after I know someone a little better and I think it has a future, but I liked him and wanted to see where it went.

Later in the week, we had a second date, and I realized that there were too many red flags with this guy. (Short list of red flags: possessive after a first date, complaints about ex-girlfiends and other girls he met online, way too into me too fast...) So, I called him yesterday to end it, and it's like I shot his dog. He was really upset, and now I'm feeling guilty.

The rational part of me says it was only two dates and he'll get over it in a day or two. The guilty complex part of me says I am so tired of hurting others' feelings, and I'm tired of having my feelings hurt when the roles are reversed.

Is this how people start to feel when they say they might give up on dating? I'm losing my optimism a little.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2005
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 11:27am

I envy you! I tend to not see the red flags, and trudge headlong into a long term relationship with a guy like that (hence why I'm going through SO MUCH self-examination and therapy right now). You should be proud of yourself for being able to spot warning signs and bail out early... one day you'll be on a date or two and no red flags are going up (and you'll know you can trust your instincts by that point) and you'll KNOW! I fear I'll never KNOW because I can't spot the red flags yet.

Anyway... I really don't think you should feel discouraged by that guy... he sounds to have a few unhealthy relational habits of his own and it's going to take REAL people like you being honest with him for him to see them and want to fix himself!

P.S. Please never shoot someone's dog! :p

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 11:33am
Do not give up!! It's hard having somebody break up with you and twice as hard breaking up with somebody. But I agree that there were some red flags with this guy. I can understand the first part, because misunderstandings happen all the time, but don't feel guilty. Or, try not to feel too guilty about itl.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 12:18pm

>>You should be proud of yourself for being able to spot warning signs and bail out early... <<

Thank you for saying that. I do think I have learned a lot in the past two years or so, and I'm hoping that it is a matter of spotting red flags and saving myself bigger headaches down the road.

I guess I just have moments of doubt, but your comment helped me feel more confident that I did the right thing.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 12:21pm

Ugh, you're right that breaking up with someone is harder. You never want to tell someone that they're not "it" for you.

I think I do have a difficult time feeling responsible for other people's feelings. In the end, though, it would be worse on him if I continued dating him when I knew it wasn't right.

Historically, I hadn't really been the one to do the "heartbreaking" - that's happened a lot more in the past year, so it's still a bit of a new feeling for me. I guess it's good that I now have the confidence and courage to say, "this isn't what I want."

Thanks for your reply!

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 1:03pm

Wow.

Ok, first I think he was being irrational by freaking out cause he found your Myspace page. I don't get exclusive until we've discussed it and it sure won't happen after 1 date.

And to answer your question, yeah I started giving up on dating when it became more frustrating than fun.

He'll get over it and maybe learn to not jump the gun so quickly. Sheesh!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 2:43pm

You have no reason to feel guilty for doing the right thing. I know this feeling, that's for sure. Still, either way, it's not fair to him but as we all know, dating rarely seems fair. And you know you can't pretend not to notice all the things you noticed about him. His reaction to you should only reinforce that gut feeling you had in the first place.

It is discouraging. And exhausting. It does really get tough to continue to believe someone may be right for you when all you're meeting is the wrong ones. My optimism ebbs and flows around being discouraged. I think it's ok to feel it when it happens and then do your best not to get stuck.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 8:06pm

I think that anytime a guy has expectations about my behavior while I'm away from him during the very early stages (before we've discussed anything), it's doomed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 1:29pm
I think that he overreacted and that your initial response was correct - anyone who gets that upset after one or two dates has some issues. I can understand being disappointed but it does not seem healthy to me to be so emotionally invested in someone in such a short period of time that you are devastated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Tue, 01-31-2006 - 10:06pm

Out of curiosity, what would be regarded as an appropriate amount of time to pass before one becomes emotionally invested in someone?

I know that I, myself, have had 1 or 2 date "things" that have left me slightly heartbroken. They weren't as out of the blue or anything (you know, one of those dates that you've been hoping for for months and months and the opportunity finally arises...) but I definately felt a big connection and was perhaps "devastated" that it wasn't returned. Didn't ruin my life or anything, but took a while to get over. Does this mean I have issues? Just wondering who really sets the guidlines about that sort of thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 9:49am

You have honestly felt devastated after a date or two? Why? How well did you really know that person? Not very well - without knowing them that well, you can't know what you are missing. So your devastation is more from the missed possibilities or something of that nature. While I think that it is perfectly reasonable to be disappointed when something you had hopes for did not work out, I think that there is something not right with a person who becomes devastated because someone that they know very little about does not want to be with them. It's hard to imagine that the devastation is about the person that left them and easier to imagine that the devastation results from some other kind of loss. Personally, I think that this is a signal of an unhealthy view of romantic relationships because there is too much invested in the idea of a person and love and not enough in the actual person. And I am using the general "you" here aside from the initial question.

But that's my opinion - everything that I say on here is and I do not feel the need to make that caveat every time I post. I didn't say that I was setting the guidelines - but that does not mean that I don't have an opinion.