"... but I still want to be friends"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2003
"... but I still want to be friends"
Sat, 05-10-2003 - 11:56pm
It's a time honored tradition to go the route of "let's still be friends" after a break up. My ex (bf) and I are sort of trying to do that, but it is, of course, a little bit odd. I find myself wondering if it's worth the effort, and wondering if he genuinely wants to maintain a friendship. I suspect that he's near being in the same boat as I am, and my thoughts are along the lines of: he's been such a good friend, and I still think he's a good person, and it would probably be a shame (and possibly a future regret) to lose contact completely.

Has anyone got a useful experience to share on maintaining a friendship with an ex-bf who you used to think was the one? The issue isn't exactly rending my soul or anything, but it confuses me a bit.

Thanks for reading,


Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 05-11-2003 - 10:45am
Theoretically, it's best to sever all contact after a break up, and then if you want a friendship, re-establish that later, after you've both gotten over it. However, I know how hard that is to do. There's a guy in my past that was absolutely wonderful to me. He seemed to know exactly what to say and when to say it, and not in a player sort of way. He knew when to comfort me, when to call me on my bs, and he always made it clear that he cared about me. Letting go of him was very hard, and we tried to keep in touch. He started dating someone else, though, and she found out that he was talking to me one night while she was at his apartment. He told me about her, and it upset me, but I decided not to call again. He didn't call me either, and I moved and I have no idea where he is now. I do regret at least not calling him and keeping him updated on where I was and what I was doing, but there's nothing I can do about that now. As a friend, he was a wonderful guy, we just didn't quite have the physical chemistry thing down right. He'd be a wonderful friend, but I don't see that happening ever again.

I've told other guys that I wanted to be friends, and I usually mean it, but it's hard, especially when the breakup isn't mutual. With your guy, if you're feeling like it's too much effort or you don't want to do it, just back away a little. You could also talk to him about it and find out how he's feeling. You'll never know if you don't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 9:41am
staying friends is all fine and dandy...

until one of you starts dating again.