I suck at this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2007
I suck at this...
19
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 12:01pm

A breif background, I'm currently 21 and just about to graduate college.

In high school until the end of my freshman year of college I was with the same girl (3 years in total) and I think she messed me up relationship wise... I mean, she was controlling and a psycho, but I really did love her. Anyway, we broke up because she cheated on me a few times. I took a break from dating for a bit, and had to deal with commitment issues, I fell for a girl during this transition period, but never really acted on it because I just wasnt ready to be in another relationship. Anyway, fast forward to a year and a half ago, I got into a relationship with another girl for 4 months, but that ended because I was too clingy. I then found a great girl about 4 months after that ended, but after a short 2 months that ended because I was too distant.

The most recent thing that has brought on this realization is that this past weekend, I slept with the girl I fell for a few years ago. I hadnt thought about her for a while, she had studied abroad, and we had both always been in relationships when we saw eachother. She came to a party I was throwing, and seemed just really interested that night. Then I saw one of my friends going for her, and could tell she wasnt really into it, so I rescued her and we just flirted on the couch until everyone left. Then we had alot of fun ;-). The next morning I gave her a huge hug goodbye, and everything seemed fine...

This drunken hook-up didnt mean much at the time, but I brought up all of the feelings I had forgotten.

Now it appears that she's pretty much ignoring me. I do have a history of over analyzing things, and just caring too much... But I'm positive things have just gotten weird. I just wish this hadn't happened, things were fine between us until all of these feelings came back. Instead of being excited about graduation, and focusing on finding a job, I cant stop thinking about this situation...

Just for some reason I am always constantly looking for a relationship, I always feel like I need someone, and sex isnt good enough on its own.

Not really sure want anyone can say back to this, just the ramblings of a guy who needs to not care so much about crap like this, but I really needed to type this out to some strangers, so I could here it from someone else.

Edited 5/17/2007 12:03 pm ET by kerplunk237




Edited 5/17/2007 1:45 pm ET by kerplunk237

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 12:09pm

I'm not sure I have any words of wisdom here, but I wanted to let you know that many of us probably "care too much." You're human, and it is completely normal to want to connect with someone in a relationship - we're relational creatures, pack animals. It's also totally normal to have those emotions come to the surface when you sleep with someone you used to date. Maybe you care more for her than you thought at the time.

I say don't beat yourself up for having feelings. It does totally suck to have things up in the air and be so confusing, but I think it's great that you are in touch with your emotions and that you care enough about the situation to talk about it and seek advice from others. You're not running from it - and that's a good thing, in my mind.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2007
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 12:57pm

I'll attach a bit of a question to this...

Well I called her yesterday to see if she wanted to pre-game at my place before heading to a senior night event at a local bar tonight. We have a bunch of beer left over from the party, and I also wanted to see her, and maybe figure all fo this out.

Anyway, she didnt pick-up/call me back, this solidified the fact that she's avoiding talking to me.

Anyway, it has only been a few days so I may be overracting, but I'll most likely be seeing her tonight at the bar. How should I act? would it be wrong to bring up the situation? I would bring it up more along the lines of... "Hey, I really hope things arent too awkward between us"...and then gauge were to go from there based on her. Or would I be better off just acting normal? and see if she responds normally. If not, should I say something? or just hope it blows over and try to ignore all of this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 1:19pm

I would just be myself. You put the ball in her court by calling now give her time to respond. If you see her at the bar then let her come to you, it's her turn to make contact so let her do that. If she doesn't and she ignores you at the bar, then I would just move on and chalk it up to experience.

Good luck,
YG

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 2:26pm

Trust me, there are plenty of girls out there who feel the same way you do about casual sex. You're young and are on your way to a bright future. I think your chances of finding someone who you are compatible with are quite good.

About the girl you hooked up with, could it be that she is embarrassed or is being distant in an attempt to protect her heart? You'll never know unless you ask. School is almost out so, why not find out? Maybe it will give you some valuable insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2007
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 2:40pm

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I should just bring it up... because if she is just scared about the situation I'd hate to miss the chance. I mean, I know exactly why I liked her a few years ago, she's my type in all ways. Cute, smart, a total dork, and just a great person. Her mom also loves me too, I've only met her a few times, and havent seen her in about a year and a half, and still if I'm around and she calls, she asks to talk to me to say hi and check up.

I think we'd be great together... but I just dont know how she feels. I dont know if this was just a drunken hook-up, or more? I think the only way I can find out for sure is to talk with her... But trying to avoid making things odder then they are

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 2:46pm
Making things more odd is the tricky part but I think you'll find that sincerity goes a long way, especially with people that matter. If she blows you off as if you're some sort of weirdo, you probably don't need her in your life anyway. Good luck.


Edited 5/17/2007 3:29 pm ET by cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 6:04pm

I don't know this girl, so can't guess her thoughts or reactions. For me, though, the best approach from the guy in these situations has always been to lay it on the table. Just say something like "Hey, I really like you. I feel like things are a little awkward because of the other night, but I'd love to maybe spend more time with you and see where things might go."

I think it is possible to have that conversation without having it turn into too much drama.

I think you might always wonder if you don't at least try. Asking doesn't hurt a thing.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2007
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 9:20am

ok, it official... I DO suck at this.

She didnt show up last night, and I drunk dialed her. I have no clue what was said (I dont remember leaving the bar...)

But whater it was, she imed me with

her (1:36:07 AM): tom. this makes no sense whatsoever
her (1:36:17 AM): stop.
her (1:36:20 AM): go to bed
her (1:36:25 AM): you're making it worse

I imed her back this morning saying

if I IMed you last night or called you last night I'm really sorry.... I have no clue what I said at alll, I dont have an aim that logs is, and I closed out the aim message.

I was really drunk....

Pretty much all I want to say is you are one of my good friends... and I really dont want that to become weird... You are one of the few people I enjoy hanging out with 1 on 1.... and I am really f*cking sorry for whatever I said.

The last thing I remember is I was talking to some girl from my english class freshman year who I was into... I hate nights where I dont remember things




Edited 5/18/2007 9:27 am ET by kerplunk237
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 10:54am
Ick, I hate those kind of nights, too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2007
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 8:38pm
yeah, I've decided to leave it alone and see if she says anything... I mean, other then graduation, I wont be seeing her for a few weeks(a grad friends party) so I'll just see if she calls... if not, that would have hopefully been enough time for all of this to atleast blow over

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