I Think I Messed Up Again!
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| Fri, 06-15-2007 - 10:14am |
Hello! Well, I meet a great guy on eharmony. I couldn't believe how much chemistry we had and how sweet and kind he was. I am 31 and have been divorced a year and a half. During this time I have found I move too fast with men I date but have not had sex with any of them. I was determined with this new guy "Jack" not to have sex too soon even though I liked him a lot.
So, we talked on the phone for almost two hours before meeting, and Jack told me I was the best person he'd talked to from eharmony and that we should meet for lunch in a day or two and he would call me. Well, three days passed and still no word from Jack. So I called him and left him a message and he called me back two hours later and said yes, we still should meet for lunch. We met for lunch, hit it off and then went out two more times, and then one night he came to my place, but same thing. He said he'd call me when he got off work and then we'd grill steaks at my place. Well, two hours passed from when he got off work, I was hungry, so I called him and he said, yes, he was still coming over.
First of all, he's told me he's a procrastinator, but I find it odd that he takes his dear sweet time calling me or I finally call him b/c I feel like I'm in limbo.
Then when he came over to grill we finally had a real kiss and that is where I wanted to keep it and should have. He began to move quickly but I didn't stop him and we had sex. So, I think, here I go again! Moving way too fast! But Jack told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend and that I was the first girl he'd had sex with in a long time.
Then the next day right when Jack got off work he called me, which is unusual for him since he's not big on calling me. He told me he wanted to slow down on the physical end and I told him I agreed. He told me was really worried about how quick we moved and lost sleep over it but then said he wanted to take me out again and even asked me if I could have kids for future reference and said he thinks it's better to be in love with someone before having sex. I asked him if he was worried I was pregnant and he said no, he just wanted to see if I could have kids in the future.
So, I had to cut our conversation short since I was leaving the house, but told him I'd call him later. I called him, got his voicemail as usual, and didn't hear back from him. So, last night I called him when I got in, go his voicemail, and asked if we were still doing something Friday night b/c if not, I had another place to go. Not a word back from him. Now I know he's screening his calls. I gave it an hour, called him back, and he finally picked up. He was playing poker with his buddies but said he'd call me today, and I said fine.
I am SO confused. This guy is giving me such mixed signals and I know he's choosing when to pick up his cell phone and when not to.
I think today when and if he calls, I'm not picking up my phone and going to wait a while before calling him back.
I think I've been used, which I'm a big girl and can handle that. Or do any of you think there's more going on here? I can't figure this guy out. At times he seems really into me and to care about me and other times he doesn't seem to care at all. Any feedback will be appreciated.
Sorry this was so long!
Michelle

Sounds to me like he'll contact you when it's convenient for him and he's horny.
I'd next him, because it sounds like you're looking for more than FWB.
hi Michelle...well, for *me*, i have always followed my mothers (perhaps old-fashioned) advice and i NEVER call a man during the courtship phase (and rarely call a guy even after we're more serious)...and that has always fared well with me as a seemingly good habit...maybe due to men enjoying being the 'hunter'?....maybe because then i can guage their true interest?...for whatever reason, in the long run i've never regretted that i don't call men....and even when more serious with a man, if a call from me went to voicemail, i'd leave it at that and not call him an hour later and/or the next day.
i also find it very endearing when men are courteous about calling me...i don't like the "phone game" at all!...i was so very touched that my DSO called me after every date to make sure i got home alright...it helped me to realize his intentions towards me, to let me know he was truly interested...i wouldn't have had that sweet thrill if i was calling him too fast, you see?
another thing is, i would NOT have a man over to my home, even for a friendly one-on-one bar-b-que, if i was not ready for a sexual relationship with him...i mean, WHY?...at that early stage of dating, theres more then plenty of public dates to keep a couple busy, right?...i've never felt any need to invite a guy to my home too quickly, its not as if you two couldn't enjoy dinner in a restaurant or even grilling at a park, etc.
also, your question to him if he thinks you're pregnant, does that mean you had unprotected sex with this man, a virtual stranger to you??...yikes!
anyway, i realize my thoughts may sound old-fashioned, but they've worked well for me in that i've never had to worry if i "messed up" with a man, and thats afforded me peace of mind in dating.
good luck!
honey
*********another thing is, I would NOT have a man over to my home, even for a friendly one-on-one bar-b-que, if i was not ready for a sexual relationship with him...i mean, WHY?...at that early stage of dating, theres more then plenty of public dates to keep a couple busy, right?...i've never felt any need to invite a guy to my home too quickly, its not as if you two couldn't enjoy dinner in a restaurant or even grilling at a park, etc*************
Agreed, forget that it might send a bit of a message, at the very least it makes it just to hard on both of you if the temptation is there. Strictly an invitation for a time when you are ready.
This guy seems ether inconsiderate, or still shopping. Something. If I am in his place I would be making the calls. I have never felt guilty about having sex . ..that is a red flag from a mans mouth. (-: I might of said I hoped it was not to fast for you, but the total conversation would have been very positive, very enthusiastic and hope we can do it again soon . . .(-: . . . well how do you feel bad about a good encounter? Really, I think even the girls will agree with the qualifier of good and still very interested attached. That reaction is always a red flag from a man to me. I say it is now.
And the idea that he "could" be concerned about pregnancy worried me too . . .protection . . . lot of nasty things out there. Clean cut, good looking does not make him "safe".
I'm with the first response I think .. next.
Thanks for your replies! And, sorry, but I forgot to put in my first post that we DID have PROTECTED sex, so that's why I found the pregnancy question odd.
Yes, I have been so good about not calling guys lately, and even good with "Jack" about not doing this but once he started being so nice and acting like he really liked me, then I got bad about calling again. No matter how hard it is, I just have to stop calling. It doesn't do me any good anyway and just scares the guy off.
Michelle
For what it is worth, you just get a bit to comfortable and that makes those "comfortable" behaviors come out, like picking up a phone. It should not be a bad thing, I suffer the same affliction . .. but it is sometimes.
I don't think you messed up by having sex with this guy or anything, I think this guy has some issues! It would irritate me for someone to make plans with me, then me have to track him down to find out if we were still on. This guy definitely sounds like he's running hot and cold, and if it were me, I would back off and let him come to me. And if he didn't, oh well, another one for my book about idiots ;)
I'm sorry that you are getting this weird treatment from him, dating is already difficult enough without strange behavior like this.